Weighed Down

Soooooo Close..

2012-02-20T17:11:00.001-08:00

So I sorta broke my stall...sorta. Now instead of bouncing back and forth between 183-180 I am bouncing between 179-180. I'll take it. I am now 7 lbs away from being 100 lbs down!

Craziness.....and I am not mad that I haven't hit 172 yet.... because here is the comparison.

Long before surgery and probably close to my biggest of 272...very unhappy.

Me last weekend at 179 lbs!

By the way I went out in public INCLUDING a restaurant and pumping gas like this and didn't even care! hehe

Also, I have some good news. The stressful work situation is now resolved. I moved to a different department at work so the great source of recent stress in my life is more or less gone. I feel even more energetic and like I can concentrate on more important things. Granted...I took a pay cut. But sometimes your sanity is much more important than money. It's fucking priceless thank you.

So if you can't tell roller derby is more or less an obsession of mine. I just love it. It has been helping keep me sane as things had escalated at work. Never underestimate how much better hitting someone can make you feel after a horrible day :)

Now that I have a bit more focus since my mind isn't preoccupied with work crap, I am starting a workout challenge. You can find it on FB and its the Roller Derby Workout Challenge 2012 . I started late but am doing the workouts and going more with the nutrition guidelines closer to when I was first pre op, except a bit more calories obviously.

I just finished day 1, and since my practice days are on different days (tomorrow and thu) I swapped the workout days. So today I did the Roller Derby Workout DVD. Ladies, I reccomend this. even if you don't skate or even own a pair, it is an awesome workout. I am feeling the burn. 50 minute workout and it kicked my ass :)

I am going to be sure to update on my progress through this challenge as I am very excited to see what sort of results I can get out of this, both healthwise as well as what I can bring to my game. This is going to be my first season and I want to be the best I can :)

See ya soon!

Jenn

And then life happened...

2012-02-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

Poopiest excuse... I know. I need to start myself on a schedule again. With everything. I think with all the changes surgery brought into my life I just got swept up by it all.

So for those you that might happen by after all this time of my blog being basically silent, how have you all been?

I am about 40 lbs off from where I want to be...but just cant seem to break out of the 180s. Seriously.

I am not gaining, which is good and I know I am still getting in shape...but nothing...

I'll be honest, I have not been eating perfectly, but I have a strong feeling a lot of this is stress related. I am at roller derby practice 4 hours a week alone and then normally skating over 12 miles in less than 2 hours once a weekend...and that's not the only working out I usually get in either.

I have a strong feeling the stall is stress related...but I think I am going to start tracking my intake again...just to see where I am at.

Work has been...challenging and all too consuming to say the least... I am working on a resolution for that...though I am not sure what it is yet.

I am still doing derby! And I absolutely love it. In fact its something I look forward to each practice night. That too...tends to eat up a lot of my time... A LOT.....

but it makes me extremely happy...unlike work lol.

I just finished doing my skills test and passed everything but doing 25 laps in 5 minutes. I was only off by 15 seconds though. After that I am seriously considering a week of doing full liquids... maybe it will help break the stall....Thoughts?

Finally I leave you with some fun pics. And a video of my derby team.

Slamaretto Sour, Pebbles Flinchstone, myself (DoubleTap), and T-wrecks. Skating down that bridge was scary and completely exhilarating!

PS. I'm saying "whats your roller derby?" name at about 48 seconds, and you can see me weaving through the other girls at 57 seconds... im in the light blue leggings..

Holy smokes, 7 months and 87 lbs!

2011-12-15T07:31:00.000-08:00

Doing a quick video update! I will be resuming posting though shortly :)

More on hair loss and other things...

2011-09-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have to admit the hair loss is freaking me out a lot more. Most notedly was during and after Saturday's shower. As most of you know I cut my hair short because I expected this to start happening. And as most of your post-ops know, hair generally comes out the most in the shower. Well quite a bit was coming out during that shower. I had to clean the drain, even with my short short hair.

Around my ear and on the sides of my head I think is most noticeable.

While getting ready to go out and doing my hair I noticed just how easily I can see my scalp on the sides of my head...that really depressed me. I expected and knew about this but it is really sucking and I feel like I am going to go bald...even though I shouldn't actually go bald.

Considering Saturday was the 8 year anniversary of the day my dad died, it wasn't a really good day starting off.

Well it wasn't all terrible. I am now at 206.4lbs. That is something to celebrate even if I still feel like I am not making a lot of headway.

I have been working on pushing up my physical activity too. If you watch my youtube channel you will know, but for those who don't or haven't recently, I started training and conditioning with a local roller derby team.

I am currently a newbie on the Thunder City Derby Sirens team out of Deland. I have to admit it is starting to take over my life and is somewhat of an obsession as of lately. (and a big reason I haven't been online very much at all.

I have practices Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half.

I also bought this skate package as well as a set of outdoor wheels and as soon as they arrive I plan on doing a lot more skating practice on my own.


Sure-Grip Rebels with Invader plates ...mmm delicious...

Even though since starting I have been making progress, just like with my weight loss, I still feel like I am behind the pack (literally since thats what it's called when you are skating in the group in derby haha).

But I am keeping my chin up and I want to see this through and get to a point where I will be able to actually play. I am still doing yoga as well since I think it is good to balance me out and also helps with balance and core muscles that I need for roller derby.

What are you up to? How are you moving?

Stepping up the game...

2011-08-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am not doing enough...

It is sooo easy to get caught up when things feel like they are dragging and then next thing you know you are not doing very well.

Foodwise I am mostly behaving, but I could do better. I need to cook up other stuff, make things more interesting. I have been so tired that I haven't really wanted to do much cooking.

Speaking of tired, I am pretty sure it had to do with my low levels of Vit D. Got blood test back and that was low. Everything else looked pretty good. Iron was a little low but my multi vitamin has it in it.

Some good news- my A1c came back in normal range... it is not at a diabetic level! so does that mean no more type 2? Who knows, supposedly it is for life, but at the very least I am keeping it in control and not having to take anything for it.

I went and got one of those 7 day pill reminder cases so I don't have the excuse of forgetting my pills when I leave for work. I filled it up for the whole week and leave it in my purse. It's working like a charm and I am getting all my vitamins in now. Hopefully I see an improvement with hair and energy...

Nutritionally- I am doing pretty good...

Physically- I am slacking... I need to start moving my ass...big time. I know I could be doing so much more better if I got in regular exercise. Part of it honestly was the low vit D, because all I wanted to do was sleep. It makes sense because its been so rainy here and I have been working long hours, so very little sun.

But part of it has just been me being lazy... so I am thinking, at least some yoga, as well as toning, and some aerobics. 3 nights a week, more if possible. maybe an hour to an hour and a half of my time on those days.

I am sticking the pin-up photo shoot I bought in front of me like a carrot. I want to look the best I can by end of January so I can do this shoot and feel sexy. I've said before, maybe I can't reach goal, but I can get myself close anyways. thats 6 months away...

Truthfully sometimes I really doubt myself, and I know I need to cut that out. I can get to goal, I can reach a much lower weight (one I have never even seen in my adult life). But sometimes it still feels like a really far off dream. You know how you look around sometimes and see others that have done it, and it's like, could that really be me? I so badly want this. Some days its easier to visualize it than others though. Today is rougher...but I think days like this are what make or break you, they matter most because you have to just push through them and keep going. Other days...like the week I lost a ton of weight are a cake walk (minus the cake lol). The hard days are what get you to the good days again.

I suppose that is true for life in general and not just the journey of losing weight.

So, how is your day going?

In my face :P

2011-08-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a picture can speak volumes more than any words. That is all I have to say today :)

In Seattle, 1 month before surgery and 265 lbs


Yesterday, 213.2 lbs

Baldy

2011-08-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well... not really... but oh man, as soon as I hit 3 months out, I feel like I am shedding almost as much as my dog. She shed a lot btw. We could reconstruct several dogs out of the shed fur we are always cleaning up.

But back to me... I can't SEE the difference in my hair's thickness, but I know it's comeing out because its on my shoulders, and when I wash my hair I have a decent amount that comes off in my hands. :(

I was prepping for this but it's still a little depressing. I'll get over it though. My weight is still dropping pretty well this past week and still going. I am now down to 213.2lbs! getting close to 200!

I have a dr's appt tomorrow and plan to go get my labs done following the appt. Hopefully things look good.

Anyways... short update for now... :)

A new low...

2011-08-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

My stall broke! Wahoo!

Im sitting pretty at 214.8 lbs today and dropping! So far about 6 lbs gone just this week. 3 months since surgery as of yesterday as well! Stalls are always a little scary, but just have to work through them and keep going. I've come to the realization that sometimes my body likes to do this.

Regardless of how well I am eating or exercising it still is reminding me that it is the head general... and it decides when...

Actual recreation of my weight loss process

Hold it....

Hold it.....

And GO! Charge!

So yea... I'll be keeping on doing what I am doing. Watch my intake, get my butt moving...keep on going.

Now I haven't yet made a list of things I want to do when I reach certain goals...but now I have to say I have good reason to keep myself focused.

Yesterday on groupon I happened across this. That's right... 20 bucks for a pin-up/boudoir photo session ($100 value). I bought that groupon yesterday and I have until Feb 12, 2012 to use it. Now... obviously I cannot force myself to be down to my goal weight by then...though anything IS possible. But I can work hard and get my body in the best shape I can before then and have a fabulously sexy photo session.

If you haven't guessed by my banner, I absolutely love vintage looking pin-ups. My kitchen is red white and black with b&w framed postcards of betty page everywhere. So when I started on this journey I had decided that one way I would celebrate goal is by getting pin-up photos of myself. But you know what. I am going to celebrate me even when I am not at goal yet because I deserve it.

I think if I stick to it, regardless of if I am at my magical goal weight yet, I am going to have some sexy ass photos of myself.

Yoga Bugs, Hippies, Zombies, and RumpShakers

2011-08-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Something stranged happened this week at work. It wasn't any more stressful than usual.But something in me

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOGA TOMORROW!

Seriously. Andrea and I are talking about doing 2 classes tomorrow instead of just the one. The second class is a bit more easy going. (It's called Big Beautiful Yoga and is aimed more towards plus-sized ladies and is a bit more gentle on you).

Also, I may have bought some new yoga gear. Like these tanks I found on clearance at target...

And a pretty purple yoga mat with a lotus flower on it :) As well as a carrying strappy thing for it :).

You have to have a mat for class and I have committed to going to these regularly now so I bought a premium one that was a bit thicker. I had a cheaper one from walmart but it ripped :(

Also I may be upgrading to a mat bag, because...it will be convenient to carry my things around in when we go to this event next month!

Rasa-Lila, which can be freely translated from Sanskrit into “the dance of love”, has all the makings of a nationally sought after yoga and wellness festival. Like some of its older and more seasoned festival counterparts, Rasa-Lila offers festival goers a complete one-day retreat package in a breathtaking and engaging natural setting.

Yoga - 11 different styles
Music & Entertainment - 9 musical acts
Meditation & Pranayama
Lectures & Worksops - 20
Kids Festival
Vendors - 60 local artist, restaurants and wellness specialists

I have been toying with getting into doing 5k's again. Really I only ever did one, but it was fun. I just am frugal and don't like to spend the money :( However, if this comes to Orlando... I am doing it...and training hardcore for it.

A zombie infested 5k obstacle course!!!!!!!

For those that don't know... I love everything zombie. My car is affectionately known as The Zombie Hunter and has a sticker on the back that reads "zombie outbreak response vehicle"

I'm sure I'd be amusing to watch trying to get through this 5k as I am so easily startled in everyday situations.

Seriously the hubby can scare me so bad I shriek just by staring at me while I do my makeup in the mirror (if I didn't realize he was standing there).

He enjoys doing this regularly too.

Me being chased by zombies that pop out of the woods at me would be hilarious for any spectator.

You know... I have noticed since I can't obsess over food anymore (seriously it's like a switch was shut off when my surgery was done) I find that I am throwing myself head long into other endeavors such as the yoga and writing and I love it. Most of them are healthy....maybe except my increased amount of time playing video games (but hey, that can be a good stress reliever too!)

One good video game I am doing is Dance Central on the Kinect. Some of the dances aren't toooo challenging or intense, but as you move down the song list and bump up the difficulty you can give yourself a decent aerobic workout!.Also you can put on workout mode and it estimates time dancing and calories burned.

Here are vids of people dancing to my 3 of my fave songs to dance to on it (and in my opinion they give GREAT workouts!

Also the video game guy is my favorite character to dance with hehehe. I <3 emo boys :)

LapDance-N.E.R.D.

RumpShaker

and also

Push it

You will NOT see ME filming myself doing these on my youtube channel though....sorry kids :)

Anyways.. I suppose that is all today. Feeling better now that I am getting in working out. Scale is sort of moving. Though I am not updating til it gets back below 219.8 since that was what I had last recorded (I think).

Have a great weekend! I'll try to do a video update at some point!

Paused

2011-08-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Things have been very busy at work, and just with me in general. All good things though.I meant to do a video update this weekend but didn't get around to it. Feeling a bit under the weather this week.

I really don't have too much to talk about. My weight isn't budging for the last couple weeks which makes me a little grumpy... but I am paying more attention to my protein, as well as trying to start doing exercise regularly.

I started a yoga class on Saturday mornings. Its basic Hatha yoga and I loved it. My muscles were a little sore after, but in a good way. One of my best friends, Andrea, had been asking me to go with her and I am glad I finally did. I'll be definitely going regularly with her.

They also are trying out a bollywood dance class and I may go to that to check it out. I love dance classes and loving watching bollywood type dancing. Ive previously taken belly dancing classes and loved that. While still in school I did ballet, hip hop and tap. Dance has always been a love of mine. In fact one of the things I am thinking of doing closer to goal is a burlesque dance class.

Also, if you saw my last video you know I have gotten back to pursuing a career as a writer. Well I finally finished my first draft of my debut novel AND am currently revising it before I hand it over to two beta readers (think like beta testers). If you are curious and dont mind my shameless self promotion, you should check out my author blog. www.midtown-underground.com.

In case you are curious about what I am writing here is the blurb from the back cover and the front of the book cover.

A year ago, Dillan witnessed Jamie-her fiance, being murdered.
But now, she is about to discover a secret he had been keeping from her.
A twin brother named Trey.
But when his estranged brother knocks on her door one evening she starts to wonder what else was kept from her. Does Trey know more than he is letting on?

Sometimes the truth hurts.

In Dillan's case, it could kill her.

So yep... done self-promoting, but if you all are interested definitely consider following that blog. I also post episodes of another story (based in the same ficitional city of Midtown), I am picking it back up this week.

See? I am a busy bee.

Doing my best not to be grumpy about the "pause" in my weight loss progress though I imagine others feel scared that they woke up and the weight won't resume disappearing. And I have been guilty of NOT getting in physical activity like I should be. I need to create a schedule, post it somewhere and just stick with it. I like working out too. Just have been letting being a grump get the best of me (hence my silence here too). At least yoga is one step in the right direction.

Fitty & Click'n

2011-07-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

First and foremost.....

I hit my first goal! 50 lbs down from my highest weight of 272!

That's right people... FITTY!

Secondly.... I got my first order of CLICK!

Holy crap...I love it.

I used my knock off bullet blender (its called a rocket lol) and made myself a plain mocha frappe. Just ice, water, and two scoops.

SOOOOOO GOOD! Seriously. And no...the all caps is not from me drinking caffeine... I swear lol.

I love that it isn't too sweet, its just enough sweetness mixed with the taste of expresso. I cannot wait to try out some recipes as well as come up with my own .

Being a former Starbucks Frappe addict, this a perfect match for me in the mornings. I have already subscribed so that I get enough to have 1 in the morning all month.

The rest of my protein I have been getting in via actual food, but mornings I prefer protein drinks. Except I couldn't find anything I like.

Problem solved hehehe.

Because I have slacked so hard this week...

2011-07-17T07:10:00.001-07:00

I've updated pics, vlog AND measurements!

Here we go!

And for even more excitment!

And finally....

So there... :P

HAPPY SUNDAY!

2 month Surgiversary!

2011-07-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

So today is my 2 month surgiversary! Time has just flown by and I am amazed.

Today as I sit here I am down to 225.2!!!!

Thats 40lbs down from my weight before i started my pre op diet!

over 46 lbs down from my hightest (so near 50 i can smell it!)

Tonight after grocery shopping is going to be a vlog as well as In progress pics and measuring to mark the occasion!

And then a proper post later in the week to let you all know what else is going on with me...well actually I may just say all that in the next vlog :) Im feeling lazy !

I missed you!

2011-07-01T05:53:00.001-07:00

Hey all!

Well I had thought I uploaded a video last weekend but apparently it never loaded. Oh well. I'll just try and get one in this weekend.

My long month of training at my second job is over! As of last night I took my last test and then celebrated with a few fellow classmates via an xbox live party! I am a nerd and I fully admit to that. In a couple more weeks my schedule will be reduced and I should be better able to set up a regular workout schedule and blogging schedule. I miss posting on here regularly. I also want to catch up with all the blogs I follow.

Speaking of I see a couple new followers... if you want to post you blog in the comments I'd love to check out your blogs!!

So is everyone ready for the long weekend? My nephew is going to be over so I am excited to bond with him this weekend. Other than that I plan to relax a little. Get in some reading, video gaming and relaxing.

Also... I am no officially below 230!

YAY!

Happy 4th indeed!

Busy Bee

2011-06-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry my blog has grown a bit quite as of lately. This past 2 weeks I have been doing both jobs full time as well as studying for my Life Insurance exam. (My day job needed me to have it). Luckily I passed the exam so that is at least one thing I can breathe easier about. Training for the second job has been quite grueling, but still enjoyable. I think it is going to be a good part time job for me. I have this week and next week left of training, then the 2 weeks after that is more on the job training (we take calls, they critique etc). After that I will be able to drop my hours hopefully to about 25 a week (though possibly as much as 35).

My weight loss is going well and I continue to see differences in my body. My boobs have shrunk and I can wear some of my smaller bras :). My clothes are getting baggy but I am still super hesitant to buy anything new. I did find a pair of dark blue pants for work at good will (size 18 and a lil stretchy). So no burning of the pants just yet since I still need smaller black pants.

Dietwise I have mostly been behaving. My nieces bday was yesterday and I will admit I had a little bit of ice cream cake. Mainly just the strawberry ice cream and some frosting...I left the actual cake part. It was yummy, no issue and I didn't want any more. Today is back on the straight and narrow, but I don't feel bad about the cake. The rest of my choices were good at my aunts. And guess what? I am now down to 234!!!!

Two more pounds and I will be 40 down from my highest weight! And now... I feel like I can see onederland on the horizon. I was hoping to be under 200 by my birthday in late November, but now I have a feeling I should aim for even less. Maybe 170? That would be the best birthday every. I am not pinning myself to it, but man if I do it I will have lost over 100 lbs total by my birthday. Either way as long as I keep going in the right direction I will be a happy girl.

Unfortunately I havent been exercising like I've wanted to...but working so many hours all I want to do is relax on the weekend. I think once I hit my schedule for that its supposed to be when I start taking calls, it will be easier. Sure I don't get any days off work (if I dont work one job I am working at the other etc). But at least I only have 3 potential days that are going to be extremely long. Out of the rest I am sure I can find time to workout.

Well that's all for now. Not much else going on in my busy little world but I wanted to check in with everyone!

My 1 month Surgiversary!

2011-06-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! I have been busy all week, but yesterday was my 1 month surgiversary! Check out my vlog!

Pants on fire!

2011-06-03T13:02:00.001-07:00

No... I am not a liar. However as a joke, pre op I did say that I planned for my work pants (the one pair that fit) to die a violent and fiery death in our fire pit as soon as they were too big. Reason was the zipper doesnt work right so if I dont have a safety pin on the top the pants unzip themselves. HOWEVER, it also liked to undo the safety pin because they were snug and it would result in getting lil needle jabs on my tummy and on my fingers when trying to reclasp the safety pin.

Well children....it looks like this pair of pants may face their death shortly. I am still wearing a safety pin on them, but it is more to keep them up because they are big on me now lol.

Ironically as much as I hated these pants I now like them, because they truly show just how far I have already come in one month. Also I am tempted to save them as my BEFORE pants. I do have a pair of jeans that would also make good before pants...

so... thoughts? Fiery pants death or no?

Somewhat of a milestone

2011-06-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

So the scale agreed with me today. It decided I deserved to see a loss this week. I am down 2.4 lbs this week! Since surgery thats 18.4 lbs down (in 3 weeks! woohoo). Adding in pre op diet thats 23.4 which is awesome! That brings me down past 30 lbs from my highest weight of 272!!!!!

I am feeling pretty good and more encouraged as I head toward week 4.

Now I need to create a Weight Loss Bucket List of sorts. I have yet to make a list of rewards for myself and I feel that though money is tight I can afford to a little something when I hit big goals. I have been meaning to make this list but just haven't gotten around to it.

Any ideas?

Evil Scales

2011-05-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

My scale comes out of hiding, tonight while I sleep. Tomorrow morning is the showdown. 3 weeks post op and I have no idea what to expect from that vile creature.

I can tell you I have been following my post op plan! I have determination and I refuse to waiver. Ive started working out. In fact I have been working out everyday for the last week.

Yet still the fear of getting on my scale tomorrow is there. I think we get used to seeing the number go up and up and up and feeling helpless as we watch it do so, that when we do actually start losing weight, we expect at some point the scale to start going back up, even if we are doing everything we are supposed to make it go down.

So I guess we will see what happens tomorrow. All I can do is hope for a little bit of a loss. I'd love to say I am in the 230's tomorrow but I have a feeling that may be wishful thinking. The last few days I have just felt fat. I know I have lost and I know some things are fitting looser but I guess I don't feel smaller.

Impending Doom

2011-05-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like today is an I feel fat day. Not sure why. Heck the nightgown I am wearing is a lot bigger than it used to be on me, yet I feel that way. I guess I am scared as Wednesday approaches. I know the numbers on the scale don't mean everything, but it would be nice if they moved. I am so close to cracking into the 230's that its ridiculous.

This weekend has been going well. Aside from having a bit too many carbs yesterday I have been doing better on soft foods as far as getting in a decent amount of protein. Still needing to work on my water intake but I really am trying my hardest on that.

I worked out both Saturday (EA Active 2.0) and Sunday (swimming with the family, but did a few laps too). I plan on probably swimming today as well. I don't think I am going to push myself though, I just want to chill out today.

I am a bit stressed about this coming week as it is, aside from not seeing the numbers on the scale decrease. I start training from home for my second job on Wednesday night. I soundproofed my office as best I could from my dog's barks, so hopefully she isn't any issue. Training is 4pm- 12 AM.

So basically for the next month, while I am training, my weeks are going to be:

Monday-Friday

1st job

7am-3pm

2nd job

4pm-midnight

Weekends:

Collapse from exhaustion.

Luckily pretty much all my food right now is very easy and quick to make so I guess that's good. Robert and Madi know at least for this month they are going to have to worry about their dinner and help me as much as they can around the house because I will be quite busy.

After training in June, then I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, BUT I will have to work weekend nights most likely. My availability to them is Thursday-Monday and they will schedule me between 20-35 hours (I am hoping only 20, but hey if they make me work more then its that faster that we can pay off things).

Madi is still looking for a job (hopefully she will have an interview this coming week), but once she finds something we will be able to get our AC fixed and then work on paying off stuff.

Aside from my weight loss goals, I want to work over the next year or so at cutting down our financial obligations, so after we fix our AC the plan is:

Pay off surgery
Pay off credit cards (Really don't have much cc debt woohoo)
Pay off car
Work on paying down student loans.
Save Incaseshit money (In case shit happens).

I may be working my ass off this coming year (in more ways than one) but I think long term it will be worth it. Sometimes I do doubt myself. I doubt that I can do this, just like I doubt sometimes that I will reach my goals....but I am just going to push on ahead and hopefully I will get where I want to be and the hard work will pay off.

Also: To my followers on here! I see a couple more on here! Thanks! If I am not following your blog already, comment in the comment section with your blog link so I can follow you :) I love reading fellow wls people's blogs a lot, and many times you guys inspire me.

My First Post-Op Bento

2011-05-27T06:27:00.001-07:00

This bad boy is going to take me all day to eat I think. With the eggs, tuna and mayo added in, there is about 3 servings of tuna salad in there (update...yea no its at least 4 servings lol). and then the 2 babybels are snacks...BUT I will be at work for a good 10 hours today so this should be fine. Honestly it looks like way more because of the container, but I measured it out. I had a little forkful (on my tiny fork) and it seemed to go down and was tolerated very well.

For dinner (if I have room lol) is ricotta with some pizza sauce and a pinch of stredded parmesan.

Moving Moving Moving...

2011-05-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am feeling less blah today than I have in the past few days. I think it helps that I am moving to soft foods as of tomorrow, but whatever, I am not a grumpy B like I have been the past few days.

Today my coworker and I found another route to walk that has a bit more shade and is just more of a scenic walk. This is day 3 now that we have gone for a walk around lunch time.

I have been tracking us with My Tracks on my Android phone since I love being able to see stats.

Here they are for the day.

Total Distance: 1.54 km (1.0 mi)
Total Time: 20:36
Moving Time: 19:38
Average Speed: 4.49 km/h (2.8 mi/h)

Not too bad for a start. Back and forth is 1 complete mile, so maybe soon we can get it to 2 miles during lunch.

Either way, right now I don't feel so bad if I don't get another walk in at home. I think for just over 2 weeks post op I am doing fine. Not pushing myself, but still breaking a bit of a sweat.

I wanted to weigh myself so bad this morning when I woke up... but alas the scale has been hidden at my request, so until next Wednesday. I can, however, measure myself when I get home. I have been meaning to. I think I am just afraid I haven't lost that many inches lol. I also need to do a video update. I just don't know what to say I guess.

That's all for now.

Stalled

2011-05-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

So I think I can call it official. My weight has been stuck at 244-243.8 for the last 5 days. I am not going to bitch and gripe though even if I am a bit grumpy about it. I had Madi hide the scale while I am still at work so I don't obsess over it during the next week. According to the forums it may not even budge for the next week. Today is 2 weeks since surgery and apparently stalling after about 10 days is not uncommon so I guess I will just suck it up.

Here is what my daily intake consists of at the moment:

2 bottles of Isopure @ 1 carb, 170 Calories, 40 grams protein
At least 44 oz but trying to push it to 64 or higher (my goal is 88oz)
1 cup of soup at night (last night was a cup of Chicken, broccoli cheese and potato)
1 SF chocolate pudding.

TOTALS:

590 calories
14 grams of fat
30 grams of carbs
87 grams of protein.

Also taking 1 Centrum Silver chewable multivitamin, 500 mcg b12 sublingual and 20 mg prilosec 2 x a day. I know I need to get in my calcium pill but it isn't chewable and I am afraid to start taking it because even though the container says petites, they look HUGE.

Yesterday I walked about .75 miles.
Today I have already walked 1 mile.

Thats all for now

Nightmares & Cupcakes

2011-05-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't been sleeping well.

I swear since this weekend I have had one strange and unsettling dream after the other. Last night's took the cake...literally.

I had a dream that Robert, Madi and Me were going out to eat and people kept trying to give me cupcakes. A few times I almost gave in and ate one but then Robert would take it away and give it to Madi. I would get upset but then I realized "oh yea, I had surgery! I can't have that!"

LOL

Yes, evil cupcakes. Not much else to report. Doing my best to deal with stress and emotions in more healthy ways. I downloaded an app on my phone (android) called My Tracks. It uses google maps to track my walking, including distance, speed, and elevation. Madi helped me find my workout sneakers, so I am excited to go for a walk today and track my progress. Afterwards I think I will spend some time either working on my first draft of my book I am writing, or work on my drawing. Thinking positive, positive, positive.

Downer Day

2011-05-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Blah.

That's how I feel today. Slightly moody. Maybe like everyone says its just hormones being released from the fat they were previously trapped in. Also I am back in the office today and while I am happy to see most people here I just feel annoyed by others. No negative surgery comments however which is nice.

I wish I could go back home though. I guess since I can't eat away these feelings any longer I am going to try and take a relaxing walk tonight once the sun goes down so it isn't too hot out. The heat really makes my incisions itchy and irritated.

I have other stuff on my mind too, like a horrible stupid dream I had the other night that just kind of messed with me a little too much and hit close to home. Also I didn't mention (because I was in a good mood and didn't want to talk about it) but on saturday I got into a minor car accident. Thank Goodness I didnt get ticketed...the cop must have been in a good mood. And the people are willing to work with me instead of going through insurance (my car got wayyyyy more damage anyways -_- ). But nonetheless still sucks. I guess I am off my island of solitude and the real world is hitting full force and I just don't want to deal with it right now.

Anyways..things will work out...they always do. At the very least I keep telling myself that and things really do seem to have a way of working out if I put in a little effort. I got my credit check back and everything looks good for me to start the second job...so there is that...

but now comes the next hurdle. Getting Robert's car fixed and making sure there is a way for me to keep lainey from barking while I am working. My uncle gave me some ideas to sound proof my home office for less and I will probably invest in a better noise canceling headset. But it all takes money.

That's all for now. Just breathing, making myself drink my protein and water, and reminding myself that what I am going through is probably a normal part of this process. I did my make up today and painted my nails last night, so trying to tell myself today that I look very pretty. People at work have been saying they can already see a big difference. For me looking in the mirror I may as well be in a fun house because some days I see it and some days I really don't.

BIO SHAKER

2011-05-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot to share something super memorable from my trip to Tijuana. This commercial came on a lot in our hotel room and I found it highly amusing... just wait for the smiley push up guy, you will understand.

Rapture Day & Family Time

2011-05-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

So I am still here... I suppose I am a heathen hehe. Sorry I just had to.

I did happen to see a shirt in the parking lot of 7-11 and amused myself with the thought that maybe they were raptured...but then I was confused as to why they weren't apparently wearing pants when they were...

Anyways on to wls-related things. Today was a day surrounded by food I couldn't eat as I went to my aunt's for my nephew's 10th birthday! He was quite excited about hitting double digits. It went better than I thought. I did smell the burgers my uncle cooked out on the grill but wasn't tempted by them. I brought over protein, a cup of soup and a sf chocolate pudding for when everyone had cake. Speaking of my protein, I ended up going to back to GNC and getting more Green Tea Isopure. I tried to do the protein shakes I had gotten from wal-mart pre-op, but wouldn't you know it.... I found them repulsive (I almost puked) as well as I found it hard to keep the carbs at level I wanted.

So right now I am doing 1-2 bottles of Isopure per day, 1 cup of soup, and maybe a sf pudding if I feel like it. That would put me at roughly 37 carbs , and 40-80 grams of protein. Once I hit soft foods next week I plan to incorporate tuna, ricotta and the like and maybe have 1 isopure a day. I got the gold card at GNC so that when I get them it is a little cheaper. For now I really like them and I am a creature of habit. I rather be able to have some soup and some pudding right now without it blowing up the amount of carbs I take in.

Physically I am feeling nearly back to normal except that my larger incision is still kind of achey and red. It doesn't appear to be infected and I have kept it clean. I am a slow healer so this doesn't surprise me. The rest of them are just scabbed now and no pain. I am ready to get more physically active so slightly frustrated I need to wait about 3 more weeks. I suppose though I can just keep increasing walking and maybe try out some exercises on EA Active 2.0 on easy mode. I need to find my workout sneakers though first and foremost.

That's all for now, 1 more day being at home and then I return to the office! Excited to see some of my work buddies. Also I recieved the report back regarding my background and credit check for the other job and it looks like all things should be a go for me to start that on June 1st. I am pretty excited about it, though now we have to get Robert's car fixed because juggling one car is going to be impossible as my hours will completely clash with his. We also now need to figure out a system for when he gets home so that Lainey doesn't bark while I am on a call. (That will get me fired.).

Any good sound-proofing ideas? :)

The Post Op Excitement Continues

2011-05-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

I know, I know! I am in the honeymoon stage with my sleeve. It is fine I am enjoying it and staying compliant. Keeping an eye on my intake and all that jazz. Now that I feel better able to drink stuff I am getting a bit more protein in. About 80 grams a day...and WOW has it made a difference. Or at least I think it has.

Today I am sitting pretty at 246.8lbs! I can see the 230's in the not so far distance! When I was on Medifast, that was actually where I started my Medifast journey...at 230.

So hey, at least I will have gotten rid of the 42 lbs over that I had gained over that number. I added another ticker to my progress page so yo can see my total loss as well as my loss since the surgery.

Today starts my full liquids! YAYYYY! I had a chocolate protein shake this morning, which with nonfat milk puts me at 34 gm of protein already. I plan on having a blended cup of soup (if I can eat the whole cup, if not I will save some for later) for lunch and another shake tonight. I should be close to if not at 80 grams of protein for the day. My carbs will be around 52 for the day, which is pretty much like my pre op diet I suppose and a lil higher than I'd like, but it's only for this week. That should be fine, right? Once I move to soft foods I think it will be a bit easier to cut out carbs and keep them around 30 a day.

I got a blender at wal-mart last night... a knock off magic bullet called the rocket blender. So far so good and it has multiple cups etc. My only complaint is that the storage lids are not water tight :( It would have been nice to be able to make a shake in the morning and one for lunch since I return to work Monday. Alas maybe I will just bring in soup for lunch. and do the shake at night.

Also I have a new addition to our household. I had been planning on getting a pet snake for a while now but Robert didn't want me getting it til after surgery because if something happened, he was freaked out at the thought of having to take care of it. So I got her this week.
Meet Harley Quinn (named after the villainess on Batman!) She is a hatchling hypomelanistic corn snake and is about 17 inches long! Sorry if you don't like reptiles or snakes...but she is actually pretty sweet and great being handled. I fell in love with her colors at first site. She is my "I got through the surgery like a big girl" reward I suppose.

Also another exciting revelation happened this week. I got a phone call from another work at home call center type job that they wanted to interview me. The interview went great and pending my credit check meeting their requirements (since I will be handling credit cards and payments etc) I am going to be employed by them part time. They pay hourly and there isn't any selling involved so this is a much better opportunity than the other work from home job I have been doing. I get paid regardless of if I get a call and they even offer benefits. If they are better than my current job I may have to switch over. I already know they have a matching 401k where my full time job doesn't. (lame I know...)

So...wish me luck...send me some good vibes and hope that I am able to meet their credit requirements!I am pretty excited about it but trying not to get my hopes up. I am pretty sure I should be fine but...not positive lol.

What A Week!

2011-05-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am already one week post-op! I can't believe it. And what's the grand total for the week?

8.4 lbs Down!

Not too shabby at all! Add in that I have in fact lost inches and feel just less fluffy in general and its been a good week. I am going to try and up my protein to see if I can't do a little bit more this week! Almost out of my clear liquids...YAY!!!!!! I am so ready for some cream of chicken soup or even just a protein shake. I will probably go get a single serve blender from wal-mart tomorrow.

So this past week I have been drinking liquid Isopure. Some people love it, some people hate it, and some just tolerate it. I personally found a flavor I love! GREEN TEA! It is so yum! To me, anyways, it reminds me a little of Arizona Green Tea. The other flavors I got, it was a chore trying to drink the whole bottle. Having the green tea flavor yesterday I had gotten in 40 grams before noon!

I am returning the last 2 of the other flavor for green tea either today or tomorrow. I can see even down the line ordering a case of the green tea and having them here and there when I am on the go. Zero carb and a yummy way to get in your protein. I have some other stuff to share but I will save that for another post so this one doesn't get too long. See you all tomorrow!

Drop Dead Diva

2011-05-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

At first this show slightly annoyed me. Some of the usual "fat girl habits" that the main character has in the show to me at least seemed a bit over-dramatic and really pushed the whole stereotypical view of obese people. However I like the actress that plays the main character so I have still been watching the first season on Netflix here and there.

Finally this show gave me something aside from the awesome actress that plays Jane Bingum. I was watching Episode 9: The Dress. In this episode Jane finds a gorgeous dress in a magazine like Vogue and decides since she is a lawyer and makes enough she wants to buy it. When she goes into the clothing store they only carry up to size 10...Jane is a size 16. Have we not all been there?? You see something gorgeous on the rack and search with hope that your size is somewhere in that rack--only to be sorely dissappointed. That is sucky enough!

But what happens to Jane after that really hits home. They ask a store clerk if there is any larger sizes of the dress elsewhere in the store and the clerk rather rudely says "the dress isnt meant for her silhouette" another clerk also suggests she go to one of the bargain outlet type places to find something with an empire waist. When Jane asks "Are you asking me to leave?" the women smirks and says "also have a good day."

OMG I wanted to slap the bitch! Being treated like that is something I think a lot of us could relate to. Maybe I wasn't kicked out of a clothing store before, but I was certainly treated like I was less important than someone else of a smaller size than me. Of course because its a show, ultimately Jane gets the store to realize they are discriminating AND cutting off a big portion of women as most are not size 10 and under. Unfortunately that does not usually happen in real life, does it?

I am so glad I had this surgery but I have realized that I never should have been ashamed of myself regardless of my size. I never should have let anyone else make me feel ashamed of myself. I am making a pact to myself, and to other obese individuals like myself that I will never be ashamed of, or forget the woman I am right now, even when my size is under a 10.

In fact here are some reasons why I am so awesome the way I am right now!

1- I have pretty brown eyes! They look especially sexy with blue and purple eye make up!

2- I am a pretty darn good writer! One day I will have a book published...

3- I am artistic and creative.

4- I can be very comedic and do pretty good impressions of others.

5- I can dance...big or small I can shake my ass!

6- I look awesome with short hair--not everyone can pull that off!

7- Even at a heavier weight I have nice leg muscles

8- I have sexy full lips

9- I am well-known for my big boobs

10- I am caring, loving, and loyal. I am always willing to give people a chance.

So yeah... I am loving me today. Tell me what you love about you! I wanna know!

My Surgery Trip Montage!

2011-05-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Finally got a chance to put together a video of the pics and vids from our trip. Thought it would give some of you a good idea of what to expect etc and how everything looks!

My leak check

2011-05-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

I thought you all would want to check out my leak check since I got a dvd copy of it. Short vid but you can see the sleeve and no leaks! I am back home now, so now the real recovery starts. So happy to be home with my animals and the hubby. So glad Madi came with me as I don't think I would have gone through with it by myself. She helped me a lot the whole trip.

Omeprazole and Me

2011-05-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

So I noticed after a bit my new sleevie likes to act up. I would be doing my thing, sipping slowly, and taking breaks when I need to. But then BOOM chest feels like there is pressure. No matter what it won't go away. Finally I decided to take some of my acid reducer my dr gave me. Sure enough almost instant relief.

I havent been able to sleep and I felt hungry so I had half a syntrax nectar (leaving the rest for breakfast). Sure enough its been a good 12 hours since I last had my omeprazole and there is that same tightness. Again its gone nearly instantly after taking it.

This sleeve thing... definitely is a learning in progress type deal. You really can't explain things until you are on that side and then its like OHHHH thats how that feels etc.

I still can't sleep and the people in the room next to us are strumming a guitar and singing. I don't mind it at all, its actually pretty and soothing. Might just lull me back to bed. I suppose its a fitting end to my trip to Tijuana Mexico hehe. (reminded me of something el mariachi plays in desperado).

Loving The Sleeved Life...

2011-05-13T13:43:00.001-07:00

So now that we are out of the hospital I figured it would be a good time to write a bit more about the last few days. So after quite a bit of traveling, from Orlando to LAX then to San Diego, we were picked up by Alberto the driver and taken into Tijuana. They were running behind so I didn't go straight to the hospital. Instead my coordinator took me to her hotel room , so I got to see the hotel I would be at today.

The hotel is very nice and comfortable, though admittedly I am having trouble getting comfy to take a nap.

Anyways, So finally they were ready for me. I get taken to the INT Hospital, am prepped for surgery and get all my pre-op testing done. After they finish testing, I was left in my room with Madi to wait while they got results back and prepped everything else. I broke down and cried, feeling bad that I have gotten to this point of needing the surgery to begin with. (This is normal I think though). Dr. Rodriguez came in and was so nice and kind and put my at ease.

Shortly after, the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, then it was off to surgery. Surgery went well according to the Dr and was very text book procedure. When I came to though I was nauseated and in pain and quite fussy with everyone, though honestly I don't remember most of this. The next day however was much better. I still needed pain and nausea meds but I could walk around just fine and felt much better. I have since been tolerating first ice chips then fluids quite well. Later that day they did my barium swallow and it came out successful , no leaks!

Last night I had some trouble sleeping but overall any pain or discomfort was handled quickly by the staff. Today they released me and I am now at the hotel relaxing. Madi is finally getting sleep on a decent bed instead of the little bench they have in your room. I am feeling very upbeat and happy I did this today. I feel like I did the right thing for myself and have no gained some power back over my life. It won't always feel easy I am sure, but I think that this was the best decision I made for my life right now.

I have uploaded pics from both the hospital and the drive into TJ on flickr, so you can check them out here.

Reporting from the Other Side

2011-05-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well I got sleeved yesterday, later in the afternoon. Last night was pretty rough for me. Didn't throw up, but felt like I would. Today has been better. I still have some gas pain but am getting there... walking lots, doing my breathing exercise, taking my gas-x strips annnd I got my cup of ice chips. Though honestly I am not feeling hungry at all.

Will give a bigger update probably from the hotel tomorrow. So far so good.

Heading to the Airport!

2011-05-11T01:52:00.000-07:00

About to leave for the airport now! See you all on the sleeved side!

As one of my OH buddies posted for me :

Going to Mexico

And I’m gonna get sleeved

Going to Mexico
And I’m gonna get sleeved

Gee I really love life
And I’m gonna get sleeved
Going to Mexico with love

Spring is here (ooo-ooo-ooo)
The sky is blue (sky is blue)
Birds all sing (oh the birds all sing)
Like they do (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Today's the day (wah-hooo-oooo)
I'll say "I do" (ooo-oooo)
And I'll never be obese anymore

Because I’m
Going to Mexico
And I’m gonna get sleeved
Going to Mexico
And I’m gonna get sleeved

Gee I really love life
And I’m gonna get sleeved
Going to Mexico with love

Bells will ring (ri-ii-iing) (bells will ring)
The sun will shine (hey hey hey yeah) (the sun will shine)
I'll be hers (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) (I'll be hers)
And she'll be mine (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh) (and she'll be mine)
We'll love until (we'll love until) (hey hey hey) (we'll love until)
The end of time (ooo hooo) (the end of time)
And I'll never be obese anymore

Because I’m
Going to Mexico
And I’m gonna get sleeved
Going to Mexico
And I’m gonna get sleeved

My Support System

2011-05-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Me, Robert, and Madi in Seattle

As my final pre-op days are dwindling down, I find myself thinking about the awesome people that have been there for me pre op and are going to be there post-op and I feel pretty blessed.

There is Robert, my husband, whom has always wanted for me to feel good about myself, and to be healthy. He has been and always was a big supporter of me in everything that I do. I know he wants me to succeed at whatever I try and is one of my biggest cheerleaders. Plenty times he has let his wants take a backseat over things I want or need. I am going to find a way to make this up to him. He is amazing.

Then Madi, she is the bestest friend I could ask for, she not once has been judgemental of me and is always supportive. We have fun and laugh together and when I'm upset she is there to listen to me. She puts everyone else first, including me (which sometimes drives me nuts lol). I couldn't be more happy to have her be able to come with me to Mexico. I know If I am feeling like shit, she will be sure to help me out or at least hold my hand. I know I could get through surgery on my own, but I am glad I don't have to. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

Michele, another amazing friend of mine that can knit up anything and everything and has always been supportive of me regardless of what I was doing. She is very happy for me getting the surgery, she even helped us out when money was tight and we had to expedite and upgrade Madi's passport, just so I didn't have to go alone. I wish she didn't live so far away, but that doesn't stop us from being such great friends. I plan to visit her when she moves even FURTHER away, from South Dakota to Oregon and get my knit on with her.

Dana and Chris, They are sitting at my house right now with Madi, waiting for me to get off work so they can visit with me one last time before the big surgery. I have known dana for sooo many years now, as well as her boyfriend, and they are family to me. I love them and they are awesome. Of my local friends, they live the furthest away, yet they seem to be the ones that visit us the most. That speaks volumes, especially with how much gas is. Dana is already excited about the thought of buying clothes in similar sizes :).

My MOMMY! Although she is worried, she is very happy for me and can't wait to see me lose. I am hoping in a couple years once she gets on Medicare, maybe she can get the surgery too. I love my mom, and despite our differences we have at times, that's never changed.

I have several co-workers that know about my surgery. I am not embarrassed by the fact I am having surgery. Nor should I be. Not one of them has been negative about it. As I get ready to leave them for a week and a half they all excited to see me when I get back and watch me shrink as the months go by lol. One of them today told me her and I need to have our last pow wow (chatting about the surgery) before I leave tomorrow.

And finally but not least by any means are my followers, on here and on youtube. I know some of you are a few steps ahead of me, others are a few steps behind...and some are right where I am. Either way I love reading your posts, I love reading your comments and I love the fact that we are able to find people we can relate to thanks to places like obesity help and blogspot and youtube.

Despite some family being very worried and against me going, even they are supportive in some way. But even so , reading back through what I just wrote I have a really awesome support system already. To everyone, thanks!

Om nom nom

2011-05-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

So Mother's day went well. Saw my mother and my one aunt (that hasn't really been on me about this surgery), as well as my brother, uncle, niece and my 2 nephews. Nobody talked about my surgery aside from asking when I left and my brother saying he would worry about me until I was home. It was a nice and laid back day with the family, then an equally relaxing evening at home with Robert and Madi.

I got the last bit of stuff I would need for my liquid diet. Makes me giggle that our whole grocery bill for the week (including a big bag of rachel ray dog food for Lainey Dog and a bag of Iams for the kitties) came to less than 50 bucks! I am doing mainly shakes these last 2 days just due to being busy. I might have chicken tomorrow night but meh. I am kind of sick of chicken. At least I had steak at my aunt's yesterday. THAT was yummy and instead of ketchup or BBQ sauce I put a bit of salsa on it! So good and way less carbs.

Now to get through the next 28 work hours without going nuts.

Big Changes

2011-05-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

What do you think of the new look of the blog? I need to take out that flower petal bit in the banner but otherwise I am pretty happy with how it came out. I thought as I am getting ready to go into surgery--- a big change in my life-- why not change things up on the blog as well? l am decent when it comes to photoshop skills.

I am currently at work. It is quiet and there are not many people here. I was hoping the laptop they are lending me for the week after surgery would be done already so I could just do this from home today. Oh well. Going to see the family after work one last time before Mexico. I know they are still very much freaked out, but not sure if I will deal with any more drama from them today. I am hoping not.

I have been pretty good about water the past few days, and in preparation for surgery I have been upping it further. Yep! I went and got a new Hangover Part 2 Super big gulp cup lol. My brother actually looks and acts a lot like Zach Galifinakis' character so... I HAD to get the cup. Not to mention one of those cups is roughtly half a day's water. My goal right now is 3 of these (roughly 132 oz of water and half my weight in oz). Also doing my best to avoid soda. It's time for me to say goodbye. I have been avoiding it.

Nearly everything I need to pack is packed. I am ready to go for the most part. I am hesitant to leave my husband for 4 days, as that's the longest we will have ever been apart. (I know I am a baby...sue me!). He can be hard to read sometimes so I am not sure how he is feeling during all of this but amidst all the excitement I don't want to push side any of his thoughts and worries.

The other night he said something that came off mean. He and I both had a rough day and I just wanted to be able to cuddle up to him. I said "we only have a few more days til I am leaving and having major surgery that does have some risks involved." He told me "But its still an elective procedure", which yes is definitely true...but in some ways I feel like no...actually it isn't because each day I stay the same...or worse GET BIGGER, my health only worsens. He has seen me on some of my worst days. He knows how horrible I can feel sometimes. So when he said that and it came off very non-chalant, it hurt my feelings.

As I always do, I closed up and went and laid down on the couch and just got very quiet. We talked about it later and he explained he meant that "he knows I'll do fine and he isn't worried". Okay...thats more acceptable. I am glad if he has faith that things will be alright and I will come through surgery just fine. I have that belief too, and I feel that if you fill your head with positivity like that, sometimes it can help tremendously.

Still though I am going to be sad when I have to say goodbye at the airport. I love him so much. Through all these changes I may go through over the next year, I am dearly afraid that our relationship may be one of those things. At the very least I hope that whatever changes come to my marriage are good ones. He has been very supportive and very loving... I don't want to lose that in the mist of finding myself.

Magical BBQ

2011-05-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

First off I did not cheat! I counted in the carbs for my dinner last night. I got pulled pork and chicken from Sonny's last night, but instead of getting bread etc, i got broccoli and green beans. My weight hadn't been moving since last Tuesday, and I was a tad bummed because I have really been trying to hit 10 lbs down before surgery. Well I dropped 1 more lb since yesterday hehe..

so...magical bbq

Just kidding...but seriously!

Will be posting my last pre op vlog shortly (it is uploading now). Today was the only free time I had. I also did all my measurements today and need to do pre op pics here shortly. I think I will just do those the day of surgery though.

Ran to the bank and got the money etc out that I will need for Mexico, so I will be packing just about everything today (with the exception of my toothbrush pretty much.) I don't know that this all has truly sunk in yet... it still feels like a dream. I can't even fathom the changes that will take place for me over the next year. It is truly truly exciting and I feel very lucky to have been afforded this chance to turn things around.

I swear to you this is not meant to be melodramatic, but the day I found out my financing was approved for surgery, was a day I realized I had hope again. Maria off of OH (her blog is Formerly Fluffy) made a great post a few days back asking :

"Did obesity cause you to give up on dreams?"

Simply put yes.

I gave up on dance classes that I loved

I gave up on going horseback riding again

I gave up on ever looking good in clothes.

I gave up on enjoying the beaches anymore

I gave up on feeling truly beautiful

I gave up on myself.

Although none of this feels real right now I feel like I have gained some hope back and some of my old dreams may ressurrect themselves. I feel like this year is finally the year I truly become me and spread my wings.

I will take back my health

I will let myself feel beautiful.

I will enjoy trying on clothes again

I will go to the beach

I will let my creativity overflow

I will create something beautiful.

I will fall in love with myself after 26 long years.

What about you? What will you do after surgery? If post-op, what good things have you done for yourself? What dreams will you rekindle?

Crunch Time

2011-05-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

It is getting so close! I am getting excited...but at the same time I don't think it has fully registered that this is really happening. I don't know that it will until we board our plane either lol. I am beyond relieved that Madi received her passport yesterday! Granted it still sucks we had to shell out extra money when after we had done everything needed to get it before now...but shit happens.

The scale isn't budging.... in fact it went up a pound. I am not sweating it at this point. I did cheat once and had Taco bell (the day all hell broke loose regarding the passport, Monday or Tuesday I believe). I have been back on track since, and felt terrible about doing it...but that day was just horrible. I spent most of it crying.

Not too many days to go now. Sadly I don't get much of a break until then. I work tomorrow from home for 3 hours, sunday at work for 12, then Monday and Tuesday I am working 14 hours at work. That way I get in all my hours for the week. I am not looking forward to those days. Tomorrow after I work I am heading to the bank to get the cashier's check (my bank does them for free, YAY!) and money for tipping the driver, incidentals, food for Madi etc), then washing the stuff I am packing, and getting my bag nearly packed so I don't need to think too much about it when I get home exhausted on Tuesday night.

Not too much else going on in my neck of the woods right now. After surgery I may post a quick update just to say everything went well and possibly a youtube vid. Depends on the wifi at the hospital in all. I am probably doing one more pre-op vid as well tomorrow.

That's all

This needs to be said....

2011-05-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

More passport drama has risen it's ugly head on the horizon. Hopefully we have avoided me going alone, but yesterday this was a real possibility. About 182 dollars later, Madi's passport SHOULD get here before we leave. Sadly I still can't say that it will be here for sure... what can I say? Sometimes you luck out and get your passport without issue, within 1 month. Other times you are just not so lucky.

So I am writing this post for the latter group. If you are having surgery in another country, this post is for you. I am even sticking this in the resources tab as I feel this is so important.

So first and foremost, IF you are seriously thinking of surgery in Mexico (or any other country for that matter) but have not made any plans, I would suggest you get your passports NOW. Don't wait. If you are researching doctors and looking at financing etc, get your passport NOW and whoever is coming with you's passport...NOW.

Just so we are clear... GET YOUR PASSPORT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!
DO NOT go by the "average processing times" listed online. If something comes up, and they feel that you need to be singled out and provide further info, this resets that processing time. This makes 4-6 weeks turn into 12 weeks.

GET THE BOOK & EXPEDITE! I thought that getting the passport cards would be the easiest thing. They were perfect as we are being driven into Mexico. Well mine came, no sweat, right in mid-March. Even after submitting her app within the proper amount of time, AND THEN submitting the additional documentation with OVERNIGHT shipping...Madi has no passport card still and has been told that the passport card WILL NOT get here before we leave. FYI too, they cannot expedite those. Get the book, expedite (they give those priority...because its all about the $$$ unfortunately). It may cost more but hopefully you will have less headaches.

If you are like us, and didn't order the passport book, and did not expedite, but are dealing with the strong possibility of NO passport... within 14 days of your travel date CALL the National Passport Information Center. You can upgrade to a passport book and expedite after the fact. Just be prepared to pay for it. We had to pay approximately $182...as soon as it is processed (within 5 business days..but often i hear they can be a little bit quicker), it will be overnighted.

If you are having fears that it will not get here in time, or if you have received communications stating they need further information, I would NOT HESITATE to contact your local congressman or state rep. They many times can at the very least get more people looking into where your passport is and have staff members that handle this type of thing daily.

You can look up your local officials by zip code, here.

When writing your letter, be polite, be professional. Here is a guide to writing them.

Finally, DO NOT GIVE UP! Keep calling the National Passport Information Center.

Keep checking your status here.

TO CALL:

From the United States: 1-877-487-2778 TDD/TTY: 1-888-874-7793

Automated Passport Information is available 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Speak with a representative Monday-Friday, 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., EST, excluding federal holidays.

EMAIL THEM HERE!

If you are facing any issues with getting a passport for either you or your companion I sincerely hope this helps you! If anyone else has more tips PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE THEM IN THE COMMENTS!

Jenn

***************UPDATE!!!!***************

We recieved Madi's passport this morning! 24 hours after upgrading to expedited passport book! SUCCESS...well minus having to spend a crapload more :(

I'm Jenneye the Sailor Girl!

2011-05-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

First and foremost I was going to wait to say this til tomorrow since tomorrow will be 1 week since I started the pre-op diet, but
I'm down below 260!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 259.6 lbs to be exact....but nonetheless still awesome!

That is a total loss of 6 lbs since I started my pre-op diet (I was 265.6 lbs last Tuesday). Let's see if we can't add a little more, hehehe. The only downer is that my engagement ring STILL won't come off my finger. I'd hate to get it cut off....but its looking that way. At least my wedding band seems like it has a fighting chance of coming off. Will probably head to a jeweler's on Friday. *sigh* I had my uncle try and take it off...he is a strong guy. He made me hold my finger in ice cold water til it felt like it was going to fall off, then sudsed it up with dish soap...and nothing...

This weekend was pretty nice and relaxing. I didn't do my work at home job this weekend because next weekend is going to be hell...right up until the day I leave . ( 12 + hours shifts for 3 days). Sunday afternoon I went to my aunt's house and hung out with my mom, nephews, aunt, uncle, and my big brother. My aunt had a little outburst when I was talking to my mom about following the pre-op diet, (the usual "why dont you just eat like that and NOT have surgery!?" reaction A LOT of people get), but other than that things were fine.

I think most my family has moved from being completely against it to just being concerned about the surgery itself and curious about what it all entails. My aunt and I were actually talking about how they cut the part of the stomach off and I explained to her about the staple gun and how it shoots off 3 rows of staples on either side as it simultaneously cuts. Like me, the technicalities of how surgeries are actually done is intriguing to her. I think she also liked the fact that I could tell her approximately how many Sleeve surgeries my surgeon has done and the fact that at least some of his training was in the US. (YEAHHHH... DROPPIN THE KNOWLEDGE BOMB!)

Finally I have to say that I LOVE the Myfitnesspal app on my android phone. I have been keeping track religiously of my food and been very compliant. I had been feeling great (after the first couple days) but then this morning i felt just horrible (weak, shaky, nauseated). I thought to look at my last few days of food logs and noticed one big difference. I barely got any iron in over the weekend. The days I had spinach the night before with dinner I had felt awesome. I also got in about 70% of the RDI (recommended daily intake of iron). Coincidence? I think not! Whenever I used to get my period (pre- Mirena days) I would get to feeling the same way and my flow was very heavy. I think at least until I get to eating food again I am going to look into taking iron supplements.

Apparently I am like Popeye, since eating spinach made me feel better and more energetic.

This also makes me wonder if Popeye had an iron-deficiency....hmmm

I am probably going to get full labs done 3 months post-op and then keep going from there regarding supplementation. I just thought it pretty cool that since I'd been using that app I could actually visualize what is actually in my diet and why it may be effecting my body the way it is.

Also I can't wait to get home and eats me spinach! (I promise I won't try and squeeze the can and catch it mid-air in true popeye style though...that would just make a mess)

Post Op Supplies

2011-04-28T22:18:00.001-07:00

Post Op Supplies, a photo by NoEscape21 on Flickr. (IF YOU CLICK ON THE PHOTO YOU CAN SEE MY NOTES :P )

Went shopping tonight and got most of my post-op supplies at wal-mart. I ordered a cute turquoise jersey fabric robe online (12 bucks and only a couple bucks shipping).

I also contacted Syntrax and am getting 13 sample packets of Nectar protein for 13 bucks. Everything from Walmart came to a lil under 100 and aside from getting chicken broth cubes, jello and crystal light I will be ready to go and have most of what I need when I get home. YAY!

Still no Passport for Madi, but if it doesn't get here by Saturday the representative's office said to call them again to let them know. So far still doing pretty good with my pre-op diet. accidentally when slightly over my carb limit (by a few grams) but overall I am going strong.

Pre Op Diets, Dealing with family, and other fun updates

2011-04-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

Here we go..

2011-04-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

So Even though my surgery is 2 weeks from TOMORROW, I decided to start on my pre-op diet today. I just felt like it was time to truly buckle down. So far so good. Here is what is going on today.

Breakfast:
1 scoop of Body Fortress Chocolate Whey protein
1 cup 1% Milk
Total Carbs: 16
Total protien: 34

Lunch:
Atkin's Advantage Milk Chocolate Delight Shake
Total Carbs: 5
Total protien: 15

Dinner Plans:
8 oz Chicken breast (boneless skinless)
Can of spinach
Total Carbs: 8 (approx...gotta check when i get home)
Total protien: 46

Puts me well within my Carb limit of 40-50 Max (im at approx 29gms)
Protien total is 95gms
Calories are approx 862

Hoping to see a decent loss in the next 2 weeks as most my days will look just like this (maybe an egg added in here or there I think).

Not much else to report really, I'm boring right now :P

Sound the alarms

2011-04-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

So one of my fears pre-op has happened. Most of my side of the family found out and are freaking out that I am going to Mexico for my surgery. They also keep confusing my surgery with both the lap band AND gastric bypass. (people do that ALLLL the time, just assume I am getting RNY... most of them don't even know what a gastric sleeve IS... including one of my aunts who is a nurse).

Then there was also lots of guilt trips. Like, that I didn't care enough about them to tell them I was going. One aunt keeps leaving voicemails asking if I thought it over, and why dont I just "eat apples instead of going for surgery"....yep. (she is not completely all there up top. but still always finds ways to offend me).

So I am doing my best to just grin and bear it and not really talk about the surgery at all around them because I don't want to keep hearing how stupid I am being.

One aunt tried to "sympathize" with me by telling me how much she wants a face lift and could get one cheaper in another country, but she doesn't feel the risk is a good idea.

Okay... not getting a facelift will not adversely effect your health. I had to stay home Friday because I had a really bad reaction to sushi rice that made me feel horrible all day (I even checked my blood sugar and it was FINE...so yeah idk). Maybe my diabetes might not go away from getting surgery but a lot of my other health risks will. I have other health issues that are all but cleared up with weight loss. To me... going to Mexico for this is worth the risk because I may end up in an early grave otherwise. So please, do not try and tell me that these wants are one in the same.

I spent nearly 45 minutes on the phone with this aunt, who while she said she wasn't trying to lecture me it was more or less that. She didn't think I was getting enough pre-op testing because in the USA you have to go see so many doctors before having the surgery (yes...because that gives insurance a better chance to deny you over something trivial). I explained to her the entire process and that I get down there and get pre-op testing, which includes, a physical, ekg, lots of bloodwork, etc. I also explained the surgery itself to her and how they test multiple times for a leak in my sleeve. She didn't really seem to listen and just said "well your mind is already made up, but I just hope you don't regret this or that something bad happens".

There is always the chance of something wrong possibly happening. Heck I know a girl that nearly died during the surgery for lapband (in the USA might I add) and SHE is even supportive of me.

Easter sunday was suprisingly uneventful with my family (the aunt from NY wasn't there and neither was the crazy one). My other aunt wasn't feeling too well (she is a poster child for just how horrible diabetes and obesity can make your life ...) . My brother did however ask a bit more about the surgery. I think he has gone from completely unsupportive to, interested but still worried about his little sister. I explained the surgery to him. The whole staples on my stomach thing scares him. But I think he is picturing like office staples because he asked what if they fall out? I explained how there are 3 rows of them as well as they sew over the staple line too.

Dinner was good, as I realized that was the last piece of my aunts' lasagna I would have in a long time, I totally savored it, and had some honey baked ham, and one red velvet cupcake. Most of the day over there I spent outside in the pool with my niece and nephews. We brought my dog over too but she just ran around the yard and steered clear of us while we were in the pool since she is scared of it.

I am ready to get these next two weeks over with. Maybe everyone will feel better once I am back in one piece.

Hurr and Bento

2011-04-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

So I had decided to cut my hair. short. I have always wanted it really short, in a pixie style. Because of my weight I have just been letting it grow. But I figured that with the surgery and my commitment to this change why not go for it now? Besides it will be less to deal with post-op while I'm in the hospital etc. Madi decided she was going to cut off her hair with me (though not as short) so I booked us appointments at one of the best salons in Orlando. They are well-known for funky fun cuts. Exactly what I was looking for. My hair inspiration was none other than P!nk! Fitting I think as lately her songs have seemed to be my own personal anthems. Madi also had a P!nk style in mind too lol. What can I say, great minds think alike!

Madi's hair inspiration

Her results:

My hair inspiration:

My results!

Finally... my next bento meal for Tuesday!

Hard-boiled eggs with cheese stars and turkey cheese rolls
Chunk white tuna with cheese stars
Iceberg lettuce with cherry tomatoes and Raspberry Vinaigrette

(I plan to put the tuna in with the salad)

I started utilizing Myfitnesspal.com to track my daily food. My pre-op diet's main restriction is on carbs. No more than 40-50 grams of carbs per day. Right now I am over that but still within healthy ranges according to myfitnesspal. I am gradually working this week to get my diet within the pre-op standards (with meals like above). Hoping to see at least a little loss this week, but am still not doing great on water intake.

That's all for now.

Culinary Adventures with Jenn

2011-04-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite the shopping and cooking success! I not only packed a beautifully delicious and healthy lunch to combat it being the start of the work week, but I also made a dinner that was a hit! Warning...food porn ahead :)

How can anybody be grumpy about it being Monday when they have an adorably packed lunch with a strawberry Ramune waiting for them come lunch time?

Below is all three bento compartments, the bigger one has 2 hard boiled eggs, cut in half with sliced turkey and kraft cheese star cut outs and spirals. There were originally more spirals but Ms. Lainey Dog stole 4 while my back was turned...bad doggy. The square container is holding a salad with cherry tomatoes and small apple chunks, and lite raspberry vinaigrette

A close up of my delicious protein.. OM NOM NOM NOM!

A close up of the squar container...because its adorable :)

Finally, a picture of dinner. Black bean burgers that I baked, added cheese and put on whole grain bread. Baked sweet potato fries made with olive oil, sea salt, and dried rosemary.

I also made iced ginger peach tea, but it is not done just yet... fending off the soda pop :) It feels somewhat relaxing to have healthy food planned out for the week and to know that I am also contributing to others eating yummy but healthier food than we have been eating lately. I also want my hubby and my bestie to be healthy as I become healthy.

Shopping and Lunch!

2011-04-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to start cooking again! Yep...hold the phone...Jenn is using her kitchen again!
So today Madi and I headed to the farmer's market and loaded up on veggies (mainly) and fruit. Got a HUGE amount for 30 bucks.

Next was the Asian Market where I got some random stuff I needed for the week. I bought a couple more Japanese Soda's for Madi, Robert, and me, since lets face it I won't be touching it til at least maintenance...though 70 calories for those is WAY better than reg soda :)...so those can be a treat every now and then.

Then I finally ventured to Aldi....my friend Andrea had been bugging me telling me to go shop there so I finally did. Got quite a bit for 50 bucks and only needed a couple other things which we got at WalMart.

Behold our spoils of the day!

This week I am planning to do dinner for all of us, including

Stuffed bell peppers
Tomato, Mozzerella & Avocado Salad
Tomato, Artichoke, & bean salad
Vegetarian sushi
Black bean Burgers with Sweet Potato Fries (baked with olive oil , sea salt, and Rosemary)

My lunches are going to be packed in my bento and mainly will probably have eggs and cheese with maybe an apple and one of the tomato salads from the above list.

Breakfast is just going to be a protien shake for now.

And since I realized I hadn't eaten all day when we got home, I decided to try out making a bento!

I bought some pre made tofu and sliced it up and made shiritaki noodles with some soy sauce and seasoning that I tried out. in the bottom part of the bento I sliced up strawberries and put black seedless grapes in there.

This made me happy, tasted good and was quite a healthy lil meal :)

WLS VLOG PreOp # 4

2011-04-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

So yeah... I am going to be working on making bariatric friendly bento meals :) I think I will eventually put them all on one page on my blog here !

Time's a Tickin

2011-04-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

About 3 and a half weeks to go! The Seattle trip made time fly by. Heck I even found myself not thinking about surgery at least a handful of times on vacation.

Now I am back though and with less than a month to go I am getting back down to business.
I am going to be doing a vlog probably tonight because I have something I would like to share with my fellow WLS peeps :)

In other news... still no passport for Madi just yet...and no news to report from the passport agency either. Once we hit 14 days away we can start making more noise but I am hoping it comes before then. If not though... plan B is still in effect and I will be going solo.

Now that surgery is inching closer and closer I find myself getting even more nervous...

The other night I found myself thinking...isn't this a little insane? Going out of the country and having surgery? I suppose it is... I have multiple times wondered (as many others do) will I really be able to see how it feels to have a size on that isn't double digits? Will I reach my goals? Or am I being stupid. I want this...I know I do, but I am still a bit afraid of the unknown. Reading other's experiences on the Loser's bench does help....maybe I should go blog and vlog hopping again :) You guys always seem to help!

In Seattle

2011-04-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Just popping on to say Hi real quick! I am up in Seattle right now, until this Wednesday, then it is back to the rat race for one more month...then AHHHHH surgery! It's really coming up.

I am having a great time out here visiting with my brother-in-law and his boyfriend. They are absolutely amazing. I have been trying foods I have never tried before, and doing lots of walking around the city. So far I haven't lost weight, but I also haven't gained anything either, hehe.

I feel like this really is my tummy's last hurrah, with all the cool stuff and all the delicious Seattle coffee that I have been trying. Despite the fact that I wished I was tinier before we came here I am still going to cherish all the memories, pics and vids we've taken here.

I told Robert that they will also make great before pics too hehe. Maybe after goal we can come back here to visit again. Despite all the damn hills and inclines (they really give your calves a workout!) I would totally love to move out here one day. Definitely wouldn't happen any time soon...but maybe one day. It's a beautiful city. I included a pic in front of Pike's Market. I had some amazing clam chowder from there! Can you believe I have never had clam chowder before? hehe. By the way, that is my hubby in the grey hoodie.

Identify Yourself!!!!!!!

2011-04-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

This week has been long and crazy. I suppose anytime you have any stretch of vacation coming up it feels that way...but seriously.

So last Friday, things were looking peachy keen. That is until I got home from work and we received a packet addressed to Madi from the passport agency. One would have been excited except for the fact that the envelope I had received my new pass card in DID NOT look like that envelope. Oh no! It was not her pass card at all. She had recieved a letter from them with an enclosed packet.

"Unfortunately the information you have provided is not sufficient for passport purposes."

The packet was an information packet she would now have to fill out and send into them along with at least 5 documents from a period of time to prove her identity. I'll be honest I cried for a good thirty minutes after the first time we called the passport agency to figure out exactly what had triggered this as she HAD sent the necessary info to recieve her passport in time. The first guy we talked to was completely apathetic to our plight. We had sent her stuff in early enough to allow for processing etc but now a month and a half before we leave this happens?!

I am guessing Madi's lack of a past was what may have helped trigger things. She has not really worked before, but honestly that isn't completely weird for an 18 year old to not have held a job and paid employment taxes before. *shrugs* We called back to find out if worst case scenario we need to drive to Miami to deal with this as one of the passport processing facilities is down there. This woman was much more helpful and also gave us a list of other secondary documentation that we can use to prove Madi's identity.

So after taking Saturday and Sunday to chill out and not really stress about it, we tackled the packet and scrounged together anything and everything we could to prove her identity (I think we sent nearly 10 things lol). I also emailed our local state representative for assistance too (after this was suggested on OH). The next day we got a call from the Representative's office and sure enough the are willing to try and help us get her passport in time! We sent the packet 2 day Fedex Express so they should have all of it tomorrow morning. So while it is looking good that she will still be able to go with, keep us in your thoughts that everything that needs to happen does and she is able to come with me. I did call Beliteweight to ask them about traveling alone as I know others have. And how about my coordinator (Joanne) called me back on Saturday NIGHT! I found that just awesome how they will respond to you even late on the weekend. She put my mind at ease regardless of what the outcome is...so either way I am going.

Uninvited Advice

2011-03-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

It truly amazes me how some people think that it's completely okay to put down fat people or offer their "advice". If you call that advice well then let's call my middle finger a straw because you can SUCK IT! (okay...no not really...that's gross lol)

Since I started on this journey I will sometimes talk about it on my other private journal but do tend to keep that at a minimum over there. Especially after one asshole in particular said something horribly rude. He more or less made the assumption as many never-had-to-worry-about-weight people do and commented on an entry that "that's the most fattest way you could deal with being fat". I did not hesitate to tear him a new asshole by way of education...that's right I didn't resort to name calling.

In fact...this is some of what I wrote...

"its not that he even "hurt my feelings". It's how ignorant his statement is. If he had even stopped and looked up the surgery I am getting he would know that aside from causing me more restriction from overeating I still have to make "healthy" choices to what I put in my mouth. My ass still has to move and workout to shrink down. All this surgery does for me is gives me a better stopping point.

He assumes all fat people got that way from being fat and lazy and eating whatever. He doesn't stop and think that other health issues may be to blame, or that many of us workout a lot...and nothing happens with the scale due to health issues or what have you. He doesn't stop and think that maybe you had a hard fucking few years that pushed your weight over the edge because of a big fucking loss. (Yeah dealing with my father getting hit and killed by an SUV, (closed casket and cremation thanks to that) and subsequently having to handle his cremation and a lawsuit at 18 years of age...and failing out of college because of it tends to fuck with peoples heads)

He assumes that it never occurred to me to diet and exercise... or that about less than 10% (could be even less i forget the stats) of obese individuals ever successfully sustain weight loss through "traditional" weight loss methods.

He assumes it should be easy for me to exercise and get off my fat ass but doesnt put into account that at 26 I get horrible knee and back pain whenever I do... I actually miss being able to workout without injuring myself.

He doesn't know that I get to watch my aunt slowly and painfully die because of horrible issues related to her weight...she CANT do anything about her weight now that she has a serious heart problem and is near kidney failure and can barely walk. He doesn't know that I have had to endure taking care of her at times when she couldn't even feed herself or bath herself and had to watch her cry from embarrassment.

If he knew all that he would know that this isnt the lazy...easy...or "fat" way to deal with this. Simply put, the gastric sleeve HAS a proven track record and gives people a a fighting chance at overcoming obesity. If I had cancer and getting a tumor cut out or radiation was the only answer nobody would think bad of me for getting that treatment to get rid of cancer.

so why do they look at getting help with obesity (because lets face it kids, a lot of horrible things can happen to your body as a result...just ask my aunt) as the easy way out/as cheating.

considering a woman with a bmi of over 40 has the same chance of dying before 50 as a woman with breast cancer I would say that to me this isn't the easy way out...its the best way out.

There is a lot of things he assumes and seems ignorant to. Assuming that was what he meant...I feel sorry for him."

Anyways I waited for a response from him but after not getting one all day I put him on block. This was 2 weeks ago...TWO WEEKS! Yesterday he realizes I had blocked him and writes an entire post about me, resorting to calling me out because I had

"wrote an
increasingly tedious response to my my valid criticisms of her terrible liestyle decisions, and then prevented me from defending myself"

and then he stated

"In any worthwhile democracy you have the right to legally bar anyone who means you harm from coming within a certain distance of you. Unfortunately for our resident kodiak bear, I don't believe in democracy. I believe in kicking arse. As such, I am offering an open invitation for this ghastly beast of a woman to defend everything she stands for, or else be humiliated in front of the very community she once called home.You can't simply turn a blind eye to all constructive criticism in the hope that it will somehow become less helpful. The truth isn't always a pleasant place, take it from one who's lived there his entire life. Nevertheless, I will not stand for this sort of non-spoken slander and the very notion that I would be too cowardly or overwhelmed to respond to such nonsense is basically libel. Act wisely. I shan't give you another chance."

I chose NOT to respond to him however I suppose over the years I had been on that site I gained at least some internet friends or at the very least several people on there seriously dislike that type of trolling and abuse in the community (seeing as it was completely unprovoked to begin with). They more or less trolled him back and made comments on that entry making fun of him (to the point of changing his background to an actual troll). Suddenly Mr. Big Balls' post "calling me out" on talking smack about him dissappeared.

fatty -1
skinny asshole-0

Despite being aggravated by the unwarranted attack... I feel that thanks to the response of that community and his subsequent retreat...this was a win! His words just came off as ignorant and stupid. I know going down the path of wls I will deal with assholes like that here and there, so whatever, it is what it is! I didn't decide to get this surgery to become a nice person.

The Obesity Stigma

2011-03-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

I am not saying that all people that have a naturally faster metabolism, or just no issues with food/never get fat think this way, but a lot of them like to assume things about those of us on the other side of the spectrum. Some of them like to believe that they are somehow superior to their fatter counterparts. And thanks to society pushing this general state of thinking it has become WIDESPREAD!

I can't keep count of how often I see forum members post about nasty comments people made in regards with them getting surgery. I myself have even received horrible comments regarding my decision to get surgery. WLS patients now have a LOT of respect from me. They have to grow thick skin. After WLS it seems a lot of people not only STILL run into rudeness from those that are smaller naturally, but from other obese individuals too. What the heck?! Those obese individuals may be operating under jealousy, or maybe they are happy the way they are and are mad we chose not to be.

But to me it seems, because we were obese at some point and then dared to get wls the "always been skinny" folks think we are not good enough for their "club".

Well I have three words for them: "Fuck your club."

Seriously if anyone wants to tell me their opinion on MY decision to get this surgery I am not going to mince words. Afterall, in the long run I am probably going to be healthier than them. I still have to watch what I eat, probably still even more so than them, I have to exercise, and I have to keep track of my lab results in order to stay healthy.

I can't place the blame for this stupid state of mind all on the "skinnies" either. It is everywhere. As I have hunted for a second job I have seen it. I see it in people's faces everytime I go to a restaurant and dare to eat anything (How dare I?!) How long have we been bitching that the barbie dolls (and now the BRATZ dolls) are too unrealistically skinny and sending the wrong message to little girls? I don't even really read magazines anymore either. Besides, how many of those models are photoshopped to perfection? That isn't really how they all look.

With regards to tv shows, I don't have cable but thanks to Netflix I get to see a lot of stuff (albeit not the current seasons, but still). In Ugly Betty there was an episode where they accidentally published the unphotoshopped pictures of an actress that had gained a few pounds and the whole office was FREAKING OUT! I like the fact that the actress came out with saying she was happy they published those in the end of the episode...but really people?

The show Drop Dead Diva's whole premise is a skinny, blonde, and pretty aspiring actress dies, manages to come back to life only to be put into an overweight brunette lawyers body (which by the way I think that actress is gorgeous...I wanted to shoot myself hearing all the freaking out about having to wear Lane Bryant suits). Part of me wants to like the show but it annoys me how they make her this stereotypical "fat girl" that loves donuts and uses cheese whiz to calm herself down (seriously). She is suddenly smarter because she retained the girl's knowledge when she took over her body, and she does become a less shallow person but why does that have to be because she is now a "fatty"?

Unsurprisingly Nip/Tuck also jumped on the fat bashing bandwagon too. In one of the earlier seasons (maybe season 3) Liz makes a comment about how if the patient had put down the chips and worked out they wouldn't need the plastic surgery they were getting. I didn't feel bad when a couple episodes later Liz's kidney was stolen by beautiful woman that seduced and then drugged her. Karma? Maybe. Liz herself is not a skinny character. Then she herself gets work done and her girlfriend (played by Alanis Morrisette) at the time tells them they need to be more aggressive as she has a lot of work she needs done. Personally I laughed as Liz's character had totally been judging others for the work they chose to get done, then she herself did exactly what they did.

In the first season in LA Sean hooks up with an actress only to find out she is a post-op bypass patient and has lots of skin left over. He offers to do work on her to get rid of it but then looses interest in her after having to remove her extra skin. Add in some jokes from Christian and I could barely make it through the episode without turning it off in disgust. The next episode the poor girl (in desperation to stay thin as she deals with emotional eating issues and self esteem issues) had taken laxatives and subsequently accidentally shits in her hot tub while Sean is in there with her.

Really, guys? Glad it was humorous for you but there are real people that deal with the issues and pressures that society and media places on them. Real people that abuse laxatives to loose weight or trade weight loss for extra skin so that they can be healthy.

So I know this turned into a bit of rant. But seriously I am tired of being the likable fat girl that just ignores stupidity like this. If there is one thing I want to get out of this journey it is the strength and the ability to change the mainstream view of obesity because it is bullshit. WLS obviously has benefited a LOT of people and helped them overcome obesity and get healthy. Why should they be hated on because of their choice to do something? Why should people be looked at like they are stupid and lazy because they are obese? Do you know what they go through in their life? NO!

While you are pondering all this here are some great links that you should check out.

The Obesity Action Coalition The OAC was formed to bring together individuals who are facing the often life-long struggle with obesity. Whether you are beginning to address your weight issues, you have been fighting the battle for a long-time, or you have 30 pounds or 300 pounds to lose, you are not alone in this journey.

Also this movie FatHead.

About the Film

Have you seen the news stories about the obesity epidemic? Did you see Super Size Me? Then guess what? … You’ve been fed a load of bologna.

Comedian (and former health writer) Tom Naughton replies to the blame-McDonald’s crowd by losing weight on a fat-laden fast-food diet while demonstrating that nearly everything we’ve been told about obesity and healthy eating is wrong. Along with some delicious parody of Super Size Me, Naughton serves up plenty of no-bologna facts that will stun most viewers, such as: The obesity “epidemic” has been wildly exaggerated by the CDC. People the government classifies as “overweight” have longer lifespans than people classified as “normal weight.” Having low cholesterol is unhealthy. Lowfat diets can lead to depression and type II diabetes. Saturated fat doesn’t cause heart disease — but sugars, starches and processed vegetable oils do.

EDIT------

This article has also come to my attention....

Is America’s Anti-Obesity Message Now Affecting Other Cultures?

AwesomeSauce!

2011-03-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Nope this isn't a product review... I just like saying "awesomesauce"sometimes. Compared to the last entry I am feeling much better. Despite some things that are still irritating me I am suffering from a sunny disposition at the moment so I will just go with it!

It is looking like the amount of hours I will get in before this pay-period ends for my work at home job should get me to the amount I need for Mexico. So whatever we save these next two weeks can be money for our Seattle trip (I am estimating at least 500 between the three of us...not too bad) ! YAY! I feel less stressed knowing we can go on vacation and not have to freak about money. I feel less stressed period when I feel like money issues are in order. (yay for finally learning to keep track of my spending!) We could probably afford to even do some fun touristy things!

I am looking forward to Seattle and despite wishing I could have been smaller than I am now before going, I am going to enjoy this trip! I have always wanted to go and I am finally going. I said one day I would make it to the west coast of the USA and by golly I am! Last year was such a rough year...a really rough year. I refuse to let this year be follow suit, so I have grabbed 2011 by the balls and told it that it will be mine! 2010 had its way with me but I'll be damned if 2011 does the same!

In January I said I wanted to finally go for weight loss surgery to get this weight off once and for all and in approximately 47 days I will. I wanted to get a second job working from home and I did. I'm freaking pumped, I feel like this year I am coming into the true me, once and for all. I am finally learning to love me for who I am, and realizing I don't need to be what everyone else wants me to be.

I know things won't always go this great but while they are I will learn to enjoy them rather than worrying about everything that could go wrong. I have always been a worrier and it has never got me anywhere good. Things always happen for a reason and while one thing may not be good, eventually some good will come out of it. I have experienced this many times to feel justified in saying so. Most recently I had been complaining about the account I got put on at my day job and how I wish I would have just been allowed to go to this other account I had really liked. That account found out yesterday they have until May, as that client is going offshore for customer service. About 100 people from that account will not have a job. I now feel lucky that I didn't get put on there. Maybe it was luck, but regardless I still have my job and I am thankful for it now... no more complaining lol.

One of the biggest things that made me feel this way was my father's death. Losing my dad in my first semester of college sucked. I had thought I had everything planned out. I was 18 and an adult afterall! I had been accepted into a private nursing school and was supposed to start the RN program the following semester. I just had to pass my prerequisites (A&P I and Chemistry).
My father died in a car accident right in the middle of the semester. I failed both classes and lost my place in the RN program. I was told I wouldnt be able to get back in for at least another year even though I only needed to pass 2 classes to meet their requirements for the program. They didn't care what had happened.

I left that school, started community college, dropped out for a bit and just started working full time. Met a girl, became really good friends (though now we definitely are not) and she got me a job at the place I currently work. 6 months later I meet Robert. approximately 2 years later we get married. I love my husband so much and as we are about to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary (and 5 years together!) I can't help but look back and think, despite the pain I went through and how much I miss my father, if I hadn't gone through what I did, I would never have detoured from my intended path and probably never met Robert.

This is one of my favorite quotes... I need to remember it when I start to stress again:

Remember,
Whoever comes are the right people.
Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
Whenever it starts is the right time.
Whenever it's over, it's over.

Emotions and Relationships

2011-03-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

All this waiting is making me crazy. At the very least I wish the next two weeks would zoom by so I can be in Seattle and have some sort of a break from the norm.

I will be honest, lately I have felt somewhat down. Starting my work-from-home part-time job has cheered me up a little, as I am enjoying the work (and the money I have earned thus far). But overall I feel a bit down. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing that because I feel like it's a mixture of many small things, most of which I have no control of or no way of knowing how things will play out.

Will surgery go okay?
Will I reach my goals?
How will all this effect my relationships with my husband and all my loved ones?
Am I selfish for spending all this money on surgery for me? There is other things that we need to have money for, like that new AC unit so we don't melt away this summer...

Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Given my surgeon's track record I think I can realistically say that I have a good feeling my surgery will be fine...it is just anxiety driving me nuts as usual.

Will I reach my goals? Not sure, but man do I hope so. Maybe I will look too small at 120, maybe I will look good slightly heavier...at the very least I want to get to the point where I feel like my body is in much healthier condition that it is now.

Relationships? That can be a tricky one. My husband and I have a good relationship...except for the fact that I feel completely unattractive. I get scared I am becoming this wife that will just keep growing and letting herself grow until she is bed-ridden and the only thing that fits her is large moo moo's. I get scared that maybe he sees that in his future when he looks at me. He tells me he still thinks I am very attractive and that I am beautiful but I still just have way too much difficulty believing him. When I look in the mirror, I honestly just feel disgusted.

As a result of how I have felt about myself I think too that I lost a lot of my old personality. I feel like I am grumpier, bitchier, and just way less fun than I used to be. I miss being fun. Admittedly I feel this change in me has hurt our relationship. I think after surgery things will get better between us because of mood changes. As I feel and look better I know my mood will improve. It has before when I lost and it has worsened as I have grown. I know it's a factor.

As far as relationships with others, I am not sure how they will go. Friends can be funny sometimes and while they tell you they are happy that you are getting healthier sometimes they act on the contrary. I suppose we will see.

Regarding spending money on the surgery and feeling guilty about it? I still dont know how to deal with it. I really do feel selfish even if my husband tells me he wants me to get this because he wants me to be able to lose weight so that I will feel better about myself. But still... part of me just really wishes I could have been one of those lucky few that got it off and kept it off without surgery. I suppose most of us WLS people tend to have those feelings of regret at times.

2nd Job Update

2011-03-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

My last entry was brief, but yes I found a second job. It is somewhat unconventional but better than selling Mary Kay (not that I have anything against that, just don't have the start up money or the time for it with my surgery nearing).

I did have to pay a little out of pocket, but through research I ensured that the company was legit before spending. Initially I only paid for the background and credit check, then once approved I paid for the rest of it. Also thanks to a free Amazon Prime free trial I got free 2 day shipping on my equipment I needed. Still need to purchase printer ink (only buying black!), but that can wait til payday.

So aside from time spent training, my overall investment was

50-background & Credit check
39-phone jack install (Not due til next month!)
10- 50' Cat6 Ethernet cord
63- Plantronics corded phone & headset
$162- Grand total (plus the added monthly 27 for phone service)

Not to shabby... Once I get my phone service hooked up on Saturday (hopefully the guy comes early) I should be able to start taking calls a few hours later. I will keep you all posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!

I have to say I have fantasized about being able to work from home for a long time. Maybe eventually this could become a full time gig. At the very least it will be nice to be able to bring extra income into the house.

She works hard for the money!

2011-03-14T20:02:00.001-07:00

Short post since I am blogging from my phone, but I have been offered a virtual call center position! If things work out how I think they will with this company, it will be a great second job for my situation! I am very excited. Been working on their certification process all night!

A Couple More Vlogs

2011-03-13T10:09:00.001-07:00

For your viewing pleasure here is a couple vlogs I made. The first I talked about how I became obese, the second I talk about the emotional issues Ive dealt with and way I have been treated due to being obese.

Food Funerals and Job Update

2011-03-12T22:06:00.000-08:00

I got an awesome response from people on ObesityHelp regarding my first vlog! I think I shall definitely have to keep that up. I have a good idea for one that I may possibly do tomorrow.

In other news, cross your fingers for me... I may be starting soon as a work at home phone agent with LiveOps. I have heard both good and bad about them and don't expect to be making tons and tons overnight, but if things work out with them this may be the best 2nd job for my situation (going out of town in in April and then May again...recovery time etc). The pay by the minute so I only get paid when I am actually on the phone. Still no news back from the other places I interviewed at... damn you economy....straighten yourself up!

Seeing as I am having to cut out lots more than soda and cigarettes, Madi and I decided I should have propering mourning of my favorites. I know...I KNOW...not exactly healthy. Well just so you know I am not going on a week long food bender... about once a week we have indulged in one of the favorites that I will have to say good bye to...at least for now. Maybe one day I can enjoy them again...but in much better moderation. We have dubbed these occasions Food Funerals.... The rest of the week I have been mostly behaving, doing my best. In fact I started supplementing breakfast and lunch with protein shakes (also a way to test some out etc before surgery).

Right now we are having a beer funeral... DOS EQUIS! Yep.....buh-bye alcohol. I had some leftover in the fridge so we are getting rid of it and not getting anymore.

Tomorrow is Moe's food funeral.... goodbye home-wrecker burrito!

Yesterday we took my niece to go pick strawberries and it totally killed my back to bend over and pick them (she is only three so... I did most the work for her lol). I kept thinking about surgery. Maybe next year this won't be such a taxing task to perform. I'm going to go...finish off this beer with Madi (don't worry I am not getting trashed...in fact I don't even feel tipsy... I think we may just have to throw out the rest of these lol).

See ya'll later!

2 Months to Go and My first Vlog!

2011-03-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

Today marks 60 to go... 2 more months to the day!
To commemorate this occasion I started doing vlogs. I had been debating doing them... putting myself out there for all to view. Anyways, without further ado...here is my first.

WLS Poetry & Journaling

2011-03-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

So I am an avid journal keeper. I don't always update them regularly but its nice to be able to look back at old feelings and old thoughts and compare them to your current place. More often then not I am pleased that I have progressed in some way. My journal from 17 certainly was more angsty than my journal entries now. My journal entries prior to my wedding were full of dreams and rainbows and all that beautiful shit! Are they still now? Not really...they are a balance of real down to earth stuff going on and lofty goals and dreams.

I have had several online blogs, livejournals, etc you name it. I have since only continued on certain ones. One I have had on a private network that is not very well known for over 6 years now and that one is my catch all personal one. I write about whatever the heck I want. Another is geared towards my novel-writing endeavors. Will I be published one day? Maybe...
Then there is this one... about my journey into weight loss surgery and everything related to it.

I also started keeping an actual notebook. I got two on clearance at Borders (I love their selection of journals and am sad they are going out of business!). One I am going to use to track measurements and weight and other random record type stuff...as well as my general experience in Mexico. I decided to use the other one to write poems related to my weight loss journey and all the other crap that comes along with it (mental, social, emotional issues etc).

I love writing poems as well... and now and then seem to find some really deep albiet usually dark words. I shared this one on the OH forum and it got a really awesome response from some people so I thought I would go ahead and share it here. I wrote it when I was thinking about how important it is to learn to truly love yourself...regardless of where you are on the journey to weight loss. If you don't you may always be unhappy with yourself, even when you reach goal. Or whats worse you think getting to goal is going to fix everything, but then you reach goal...and you have extra skin... you are in no shape to slap on a bikini or pose for playboy. Are you any happier then? You might have been if you chose to start loving yourself. I think I have come to peace with the reality that I will have some bit of loose skin. It scares me a little but I will be smaller and healthier and able to move around more without hurting or being out of breath. I know I am a beautiful girl...I just don't always feel it and I find it hard to believe at times. So I wrote about those feelings.

Dysmorphia

I look in the mirror, what do I see?
That bloated sack of skin cannot be me!
Her curves are all wrong, her flab is grotesque.
She's disgusting, a pig, doomed to be an outcast.

I'm over, I'm done, I'll be rid of her soon.
They'll cut and staple me, and then I'll be sewn.
In a year's time, as she melts away
I'll be free, I'll be happy, no more disarray.
Sexy and fit, and admired by all,
That fat chick will be gone, nobobdy will recall.

It's been a couple years now, so imagine my surprise,
when I look in the mirror and see those familiar eyes.
So full of hatred for the girl that she sees,
That fat chick in the mirror, she couldn't be me?!
Though I'd lost lots of weight, and shrunk myself in half,
that fat girl stared back with a smirk and a laugh.

As my ribs jut out and my spine pokes through,
there she still stands, obscuring my view.
She points and she laughs at my every imperfection.
She scolds me for not loving my original reflection.
Her grin only grows as I cry and I plead,
You should have loved me, now you'll never be freed,
when you look in the mirror, I'm all that you'll see!

My Coke Addiction

2011-03-05T15:38:00.000-08:00

Ha! Before you think I mean something else I am talking about Coca-Cola...specifically Coca-Cola Cherry Zero. I absolutely love this soda. I was so happy when this flavor came out and it has been a staple in the house. I still drink lots of water during the day, however I usually would have 1-2 cans of this stuff each day.

As much as I love it, I am slowly saying goodbye. I can't just rip it off like a band-aid, though strangely that worked for smoking. (I wasn't nearly as addicted to smoking ). It kind of scares me that I didn't realized I was addicted to soda until I have tried cutting it out.

But alas, I am not just changing the shape of my stomach with this surgery, I am making a huge lifestyle change and soda does not belong in this new world. And unlike cigarettes it is much harder t avoid soda. It's everywhere. At every restaurant, at the gas station, at work in the vending machines, at every party. People as a whole are addicted to sodas if you really think about it. I don't care what you say either, this stuff IS addicting!

Now there is more and more stuff being brought to light regarding soda being addicting...as well as bad for your health. Increased risk of stroke and/or heart attack? Leaching Calcium from you? Regardless of if these are definite risks of drinking any soda It is just another reason to give it up.

Now as much as I love drinking water a lot of the time...I cannot do it all the time. Things get too bland. When I feel like I need some cleansing I drink water. It has amazing benefits to so much of your body...it helps the kidneys to work, helps your skin, helps everything. But it gets boring. So I have armed myself for those times when I feel bored. In addition to the Crystal light single packets I keep in my purse and in my cabinet I have loaded up on tea!

Madi and I went out this weekend and bought a ton of tea at The Spice and Tea Exchange. Both of us are huge tea lovers, and I previously only had a few flavors of tea. I love to shop at The Spice and Tea Exchange because the tea is loose (unbagged) and you use a diffuser...it just makes me feel like a fancy bitch basically! :) Here is our loot (along with my other teas ).

Madi Loves black tea, and I am more into green & herbal teas (but I make exceptions for sweeter black teas) . Here is what we bought.

Bombay Chai (Madi's pick)

Incredibly aromatic blend reminiscent of an Indian street market. Black tea leaves blended w/cinnamon, cardamom, orange, pepper, and cloves. Steep with water & milk for a unique flavor. Higher caffeine content.

Earl Gray (Madi's pick)

Classic English Tea. Gold tips of organic Black Tea leaves are blended with the citrus nuance of Bergamot, for a smooth and rich cup. Higher caffeine...

Orange Dulce (Madi's pick)

Ceylon and China Black teas are blended with orange slices, jasmine blossoms, and other fruits to make this rich and refreshing tea. Higher caffeine..

Coconut Oolong (my pick)

This special grade of green tea is produced in the high-elevation tea gardens of Hubei, China. A smooth & mellow cup, with a sweet aroma and the slight flavor of toasted chestnuts. Moderate Caffeine.
Almond Cookie (my pick)

Warm & toasty cinnamon and almond mixed with fine black tea make for an incredible dessert tea. Perfect to curl up with on those chilly evenings.

Marrakesh Mint (my pick)

*this one I went with because of lots of people suggesting minty teas after surgery to help with nausea*

Very refreshing tea made of China green & gunpowder tea leaves mixed with mountain peppermint. Also great as an iced tea. Moderate Caffeine.

I have gotten to try all the ones I bought and like them a lot! My favorite being the Marrakesh and the Almond Cookie tea (I had previously bought the latter though so I knew I loved that one!) Others that I have from them and still love:

Mango Green

Flavorful green tea leaves mixed with Calendula flowers & natural Mango make for a nice fruity blend. This is a naturally decaffeinated green tea. No caffeine.

Mystic Dragon

A blend of fine Japanese Sencha and Chinese Dragonwell tea is combined with wild strawberry and rhubarb, to create a very fragrant and luxurious tea. This refreshing combination is also great as an iced tea. Try using this tea in the fruit infuser teapot with oranges----beautiful and refreshing! Moderate Caffeine.

Since the diffusers I bought don't have any sort of wait to keep them from falling in, I made some lil charms to weigh them down while you steep the tea. By the way I am pretty sure I can't do the honey after surgery but damn is it good right now with tea... nonetheless I have a ton of Splenda on hand for when the time comes.

It is adding small things like the little charms that will not only help me with steeping my tea but make those cups of tea I drink a bit more special.... and more luxurious than popping open a can of soda!

My Reasons

2011-03-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

To me it seems like there isn't just one thing that drives someone to take such a drastic step toward weight loss surgery....for most people it is something that built up slowly over time until that last thing finally made them snap...made them say I cannot keep going this way. Like other people I always thought that weight loss surgery was "the easy way out"... when I was on Medifast I thought I had finally figured it all out, afterall I lost over 60 lbs! I had been on cloud 9!

But then the weight came creeping back, and then more issues came with it...and I finally snapped. But this has been a long time coming...so I thought I would share all those fun little memories of why I finally made this decision, starting from the oldest, to the more recent.

-No longer fitting into size 10s (probably was about 16 then)
-No longer fitting into size 12's (still 16)
-no longer fitting into size 14's (17)
-No longer fitting into size 16's (18...after my dad died)
-those keep going....
-Seeing 200+ on the scale
-Seeing it again after getting nearly 40 below it
-Being asked when my baby was due
-Not being asked but able to tell that an old friend was wondering if I was pregnant after they ran into me a target
-Avoiding the beach like the plague...even though I love the beach :(
-Hearing my mother and aunt fight about the fact that I'd gained 20 lbs since buying my wedding dress and whether or not it would fit me... (it did btw seeing as it was corset back...they really could have kept their mouths shut)
-Realizing I dont really have a neck again...
-Always feeling short of breath lately...just after walking a short distance
-Having someone ask me about my younger sister when they see pics of me after I had lost weight on Medifast (and subsequently NOT believing those are actually pics of me)
-A coworker asking why I let myself go so far...
-Seeing old pics of me when I thought I was "Huge" and realizing I wasn't and didn't appreciate myself then...and now I am actually as big as I felt when I was those sizes.
-Running into people I havent seen in a while and them seeing how big I have gotten...
-My in laws seeing me getting bigger and bigger with each visit yet still ALWAYS on a diet.
-realizing that I look much older at a heavier weight...
-Getting knee, leg, back pain...etc
-getting rashes under my boobs, tummy, and around my upper thighs...(yeah gross...but we know this happens) :(
-Not fitting into any nice clothes anymore...owning 2 closets worth of clothing that I cannot wear.
-Seeing the scale finally tip past 250 and realizing I am closer to hitting 300 than I am at going back to 200.
-Being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.
-Hearing my husband tell me he is scared I won't be around because I will get sick and die young...

So on days when I second guess my decision...I think about all this...and you know what? I KNOW I am making the right choice...because I don't want to have to add another reason any more.

F*ckin Perfect

2011-02-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

I am not usually one to hop on any bandwagons and actually hated the other Pink song I have heard recently, but I finally heard this song today on the way to work and it totally hit me. Then I watched the vid and totally got misty-eyed. I think it's a great fucking song and reminds me why I used to like Pink's songs so much.

As I am heading towards this surgery in about 2 months it makes me think about how much self-loathing I have for myself and how it has only gotten worse over the years. I found a therapist that is right near my house that I want to start seeing as I make this drastic change in my life. As I continue to cope with the changes I have already made. She deals with body image disorders as well as eating disorders and sexuality issues too (believe it or not even after really realizing I am truly bisexual...I have had to fight the guilt and denial I have been feeling from my years of growing up and being told that behavior is not right).

I have tried to kill myself more than once...though only 1 time I landed my ass in the hospital...the others were definitely more screams for help than actual attempts that might have worked. I joke that I am too chicken to do it..but it isn't a joke...not at all and I don't want to feel the way I did when I tried again.

I still cut myself when I get really upset, frustrated or stressed, but I have gotten better at fighting that urge and attempting to talk about how I am feeling instead.Though sometimes instead of cutting I just binge eat instead..which is equally unhealthy. I've had 2 friends that had serious problems with anorexia...I used to envy them and wish I had that problem..not binging...

Obviously this surgery will help me by NOT allowing me to be able to eat nearly as much as I can now if I go into binge mode, but I want to get help because if I try...I can make myself ill..or worse, injure my new smaller stomach...and I don't want that.

This is going to be a daily fight...but I gotta remind myself that no matter what... I am fuckin perfect.

I like this particular part...when I heard it it was like...jesus..that is me...

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

Pre-Op and Post-Op Lists

2011-02-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

I started creating two lists for surgery:
Pre-Op (stuff to pack for Mexico) and Post-Op (stuff to have waiting for me when I get home).

From surfing the ObesityHelp.com and VerticalSleeveTalk.com forums, as well as referencing what beliteweight sent me, here is the lists I have made so far. I am sure I will come back and revise this if I add to it. Also...I will make a list of posts like this for others to reference!

Pre-Op List for Mexico

Using rolling luggage carry-on, on the way home Madi will probably be carrying my laptop bag for me.

workout/yoga pants (more than likely only bringing a couple pairs since I wont even be in them for part of the time in the hospital)
Wireless Bra (saw these at Kohl's...will probably just buy one)
Sports bra and/or a couple tanks with built in bra area (what can I say I like things secure, especially if I can't wear underwire)
Clean underoos (of course lol)
Travel size toiletries
Laptop and laptop bag
travel case of my fave DVD's
small firm pillow (for holding against my tummy when standing etc)
heating pad
mixing drink bottle
Gas-x strips
Girly pads (not even trying tampons after surgery...no bending!)
flip flops and/or slip on sneaks
chapstick
Video Camera (plan to document my experience, It also can take pics)
zip up hoodie (yes I know May in Mexico and I am bringing a hoodie... )
My Kindle
My Nintendo DSi :)
Mp3 Player
Syntrex Nectar to-go packets to mix with my water.
Surgery Socks that I knitted! (To wear to keep my toes from getting cold and to walk around the hospital)

Post-Op stuff for when I get home

Vitamin Pack (getting 90 day supply from BRC
Isopure drink and/or Syntrex Nectar (Leaning towards Unjury for protein drinks after first week of clear liquids, may get the chicken broth protien for first week though)
instant broth cubes
SF Jello cups
Prilosec
Liquid Tylenol
measuring cups/spoons
food scale (won't really need til I get to food again)
baby dishes, forks, and spoons

Added to this I am planning on cleaning the house top to bottom before I go so it is nice and clean when I return (hopefully lol). I will get back Saturday evening on May 14th and have a whole full week from then to recover at home!

Nightmares and Nerves

2011-02-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

I seem to go through phases of not nervous and rearing to go, to other phases of scared shitless and not sure I can do this. Still no luck finding a second job, though I have been applying at a lot of places and checking back with them as well. Madi has also had no luck (though I made her a resume so maybe that will help her a little bit). Its stressful because I am worried about having enough money for...well everything. Im pretty sure we will be okay to getting back up to 3K in savings before May, but worried about having money to get things I will need before I get back from surgery, as well as paying back the financed portion of my surgery.

I am sure we will find a way to manage though and am going to try to keep a positive attitude about it. I have applied at so many places and tried my best to follow up with them...though some don't let you get in contact with them so I just have to hope to hear something. I am also a worried about our trip to Seattle as I am hoping we have some spending money (or at least food money) when we go there. Thinking about packing protein packets when I go so that can cover my breakfast (maybe lunch) and I only need to worry about paying for dinner. We'll see I guess. Hopefully something happens soon on the job front. Other things are progressing.

Possibly ordering some sample packs from Unjury and Syntrax soon.

Stress---my mortal enemy

2011-02-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

I know this economy is tough right now, but I would think I could find SOMETHING part time. Petco didn't pan out...oh well. I think I am going to apply at a few other places near me. I feel like it is starting to get closer and closer though and with vacation in april I am not going to have much time to work a second job. It is kind of stressful.

Madi hasn't even been able to land an interview with anyone but I am going to help her build a resume so that just maybe we can find her something. She moves in in a couple weeks regardless and I am not too worried about that. Hopefully she at least can find a job before then since she already said she is going to be helping us however possible (Yeah she is awesome and I love her lol).

Considering... I am doing good about not eating everything in sight lol, something normally would do when stressed. I feel like regardless of it all I am in a good mindset right now...hope it lasts.

I am hoping to toss some money into savings from our paychecks this week. Hopefully we can because that will make me feel a little better.

Okay, I am done rambling for the day.

Imperfect...

2011-02-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

So yesterday didn't go completely as planned meal wise. When I got home a bathtub was filled with a trail of rose petals leading to it and a bottle of wine was set out. Completely sweet and romantic and needless to say the bottle of wine is now empty lol.

Not to mention we ate at denny's last night. However, I chose a meal that wasn't completely horrible. Rather than getting pancakes etc I got their chipotle bacon chicken skilled with a side salad and fries (luckily they didn't give me that much fries). It filled me up and was pretty good.

I am bad and of course hopped onto the scale this morning. Down a couple pounds but I am not officially reporting anything til Sunday. But regardless, I am off to a good start and that makes me happy :) Might try to get back into working out tonight as well.

Seattle, SlimFast, and Other Random Ramblings

2011-02-14T09:05:00.001-08:00

Soo... I go to Seattle on vacay in less than 2 months now! Weee! Super excited! My best friend, and my husband are going with, and we are visiting my brother-in-law and his boyfriend!

While part of me feels like the days are crawling by til surgery, I realized last week that while yes it is a good time to research, save up money, figuring out my post-op food and supplements etc, it is also a great time to start losing on my own.

Money is kind of tight right now, so while it isn't the BEST option, I am doing 2 slimfasts, with small snacks (string cheese or sugar free pudding) and a sensible portion for dinner of what the hubs is making. Also, going to get back to using my EA Active 2 again. It really is a great way to exercise! I am fond of doing step aerobics with hand weights. I mute the tv, wear a pair of knee high socks (or my leg warmers lol) then put on my workout sneakers and rock off 300 calories or so. It keeps track of heart rate so gives me a good estimate on the calories burned.

If i can get off 10 or even 20 (I'm optimistic hehe) before seattle and before my surgery that would be awesome.
While we are in Seattle I plan on enjoying myself...but not going crazy. I know there are restuarants that my brother n law wants to take me to and foods I have never tried, so I am going to try them. Once I am home I have roughly one more month til my surgery (2 of those weeks will be my pre op diet anyways).

I think that If I could manage to lose 20-30 lbs before surgery on my own that would put me at a great starting point for surgery. Short term I can deal with fighting hunger when I know I don't need to eat but my body is acting like I do. (My body is talented in that if I tell myself I might be hungry, a few minutes later my stomach is growling...seriously...)

Hopefully surgery DOES help with that as it has helped others with the lil stomach gremlin (ghrelin hehe). At the very least the restriction certainly will.

Thats all for today! Happy V day!

This is a jetsetter music letter....

2011-02-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Booked the flights this morning... each step further makes this surgery even more real. We leave around 7 am, get into San Diego around 1pm, then head down into Mexico. Cost for 2 roundtrip tickets came to about 581. Not horrible anyways...

Definitely not looking forward to the long flight back to Florida. I did pick a flight with a little longer of a layover just so I don't have to try and run across the airport to get to it.

I think the prior worries earlier in the week have dissipated somewhat. I know that the skin thing isn't worth worrying over because if I follow what I need to do and work on toning and working out there is still a chance it will be there...worrying won't make that any more less likely to happen. I will hope for the best. Thanks to other peeps on the forum I read about investing in good shapewear and the like to help with it and have found peace with accepting whatever transformation my body makes.

Weight Loss Surgery Woes

2011-02-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if its the whole PMS thing rearing its ugly head once again but I feel scared about surgery the past few days. I think positive and tell myself that the surgery itself will go fine but I still get scared about complications...

When someone posts on the forum about a complication they had it terrifies me though...because it can happen. But I am going to be brave, use positive imagery, whatever have to. I have done my research...my doctor can do this and if I do have a complication he is capable of fixing it.

My other big fear is the after effects of surgery, aside from the positive one of being able to get down to my goal weight. Extra skin... loss of elasticity. What if I get down to goal only to have a bunch of extra skin hanging off of me? Sure I will be healthier but...I want to look nice.

I know that the main area of concern is my tummy and boobs... I am not too worried about my arms, and legs or even my butt. Maybe I have youth on my side. I am just turned 26 in November... I dont know. :(

I need to accept that this could be an issue, because I do not want to back down from my decision to have weight loss surgery. I have been doing some research, some reading and while it may suck when I see myself naked, at the very least I can work my ass off to build up muscle and tone up whatever I can for 2 years after reaching goal... and then if it IS bad... I will save up and I will have plastic surgery. I am only allowing myself that for my boobs and tummy if it really is an issue... If I still have a small pooch I think I can live with that though. In fact, regardless I need to accept and love myself... with or without imperfections or ones that could occur.

Maybe that is even more scary than what could happen after surgery. Truly accepting yourself and loving yourself is to me, probably an even harder task than choosing to do this surgery.

Jenn

Head Hunger Victory

2011-02-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

Most of us women can tell when "that time" is coming. For me its glaringly obvious...and usually not only to myself but my husband...and probably everyone else. When PMS hits, it takes no prisoners. Sometimes I am just extra irritable, other times I am a sob factory.

Yesterday I was the latter. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, and sad. Granted it may be completely valid to feel those feelings now, but they came out in a bucket of tears yesterday. I am still hunting for a second job and a bit frustrated by that fact, and crossing my fingers that something happens soon, Part of me feels a little overwhelmed with working 2 jobs. I know plenty of people do that, but considering I am not in the best of shape, a very physical second job is going to suck. I am still hoping to hear back from one work at home job anyways.

I am scared that I am not going to be able to do this...to get the weight off...or that I am going to cause such a financial strain by having the surgery in the first place. My husband has told me otherwise and has been nothing but supportive with me getting surgery. But all the worries that sit in the back of my head came through the flood gate yesterday along with other things that had been weighing on my mind.

However one good thing came out of all of this yesterday. I didn't reach for food to comfort me. Sure I had food, but not when I was crying...not because I was upset. For me this felt like an awesome victory! I suppose it helps that the whole weekend I have had supportive people that I love surrounding me, people that want nothing but for me to succeed. But this victory was ALL ME!

I found a great vlog on youtube from a girl that had previously gotten surgery in Tijuana (different doctor) and she said something that totally clicked and MADE sense to me.

Eating is your security blanket when you are a binge eater...when you get this surgery you are taking away your security blanket.

She was talking about how people pick up crossover addictions when they don't deal with their emotional binge eating issues, and also about how you can gain the weight back after surgery if you DON'T make permanent changes to your relationship with food.

So even before I step foot on my flight to San Diego, or before I cross the border into Mexico... the brain surgery is starting now! I'm going to continue to change my relationship with food for the better and celebrate each and every victory over my addiction to it. It will no longer be my crutch!

That's all for now. FYI the WLS support group meet up is tonight. I am still going to try and make it... I will report back tomorrow on how it went!

Jenn

The Waiting Game

2011-02-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

Sent in my Passport stuff today... so now to wait a good month for the passport card to come in the mail. We still need to get Madi's stuff for hers which we will do this week when we can order a copy of her birth certificate.

It's been about 1 week now since I have had a cigarette...for the most part I am good. Only had to fight the urge a couple times. I have started cutting down on my soda intake but am still a little freaked about not being able to drink carbonated beverages for a long time after surgery. I am sure I will be fine with it though.

Nearly down to the 90 day point. Excited, nervous, scared...

There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis about this surgery... for example the whole extra skin issue. I pray that my skin "bounces" back and the fact that I am still in my 20's, albiet my late 20's, will play in my favor. I saw some scary pictures...though I am sure they were MUCH older. It scared me so bad I thought for a second about NOT doing the surgery...but I am going to think positive.

That's all for now.

Jenn

Misinformed

2011-02-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

It may not seem that I am a private person as I am broadcasting the fact that I am getting weight loss surgery on a blog for all to see, but when it comes to family and friends I have been more quiet about the surgery.

Aside from the judgement I get from some of them, (which I can care less about, I just rather not hear it!), the fact that many of them do not understand the procedure I am undergoing only adds to this frustration.

For example, I had told my aunt that I was going for the Gastric Sleeve and she starts rambling off about malabsorption. Yes, some issues with nutrition could arise after surgery but the gastric sleeve is a restrictive weight loss surgery, NOT a malabsorptive one like the RNY Bypass.

One of my best friends (Who is actually supportive) told me that her step dad had weight loss surgery and he is having all kinds of complications, so she hopes I don't get them. Guess what surgery he got? A lap band... While some people find success with the lapband, unfortunately much more have complications and end up having to get them removed. Some of the complications caused by a lapband that I have read about are actually quite horrible, and they were coming from people that ACTUALLY went through those horrible ordeals.

Not to knock either of those 2 procedures, but there is a reason I chose not to go with them. I don't like the long term issues with malabsorption with the bypass and I don't want something foreign in my body like a lapband. I want something permanent and proven. And thus far the sleeve procedure really seems to stand its ground in the weight loss surgery arena.

It would be nice if rather than judging and being negative about the outcome of the surgery, that people would ask what exactly my procedure will entail.

That's my rant for the day. Hanging around the forums got me to thinking about this as misinformation seems to come up quite a bit.

So for now I will settle with some of my friends and family just thinking I finally got the whole diet and exercise thing down...not that my stomach has been reduced to a fraction of it's former self.

Food Stuffs

2011-02-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

Like the new background and header?

Anways I think I am set on my pre and post-op proteins. Based on feedback from others as well as my own research regarding costs, nutrition, etc etc... here is my plans.

My goal pre-op is to keep myself in ketosis and follow the "liver shrinking" diet to ensure I give myself the best possible chance at a quick and safe surgery and recovery. Post op my goal is proteins, hydration and getting in supplements. My protein goal is 60 grams per day. Water goal 64 oz a day.

Pre-op diet, I am strictly doing Medifast and watching my carb intake (keeping it under 50 grams per day). I have done medifast before, have plenty left over so will be doing at least 10 days if not 14. I will be having my medifast shakes, grilled chicken breasts, and brocoli.

For clear liquids I think I have decided on Nature's Best Zero Carb liquid Isopure protein drinks. there is 40 gm of protien per bottle so I would be drinking 1.5 bottles a day (or at least just one since 40 grams would be okay too).

I will also be doing broth, sugar-free jello, and sugar free popsicles for the clear liquid stage as well.

For when I can do full liquids I think I am going to do skim milk and Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60 from GNC

(60 gm protien for 3 scoops, 17 servings of 3 scoops)

I have heard good things about the chocolate flavor and the cookies and cream flavor.

Right now they have buy one, get one 50% off, I am debating getting them this week and testing them out, then saving the rest for after surgery .

For my supplements I am going to probably get the Gastric Sleeve Supplement kit-90 days supply

Gastric Sleeve patient startup kit was created based on the suggestions for Gastric Sleeve Patients and contains the following products:

1 - Bariatric Advantage Calcium Citrate Lozenges (400mg) - (270ct)
1 - Bariatric Advantage Chewable Iron (29mg) - Passion Fruit (90 Count)
1 - Bariatric Advantage Multi-Formula Chewable (w/ B-Complex) - (180 Count)
1 - Bariatric Advantage Sublingual B-12 (90 Count)

I think that for about $ 118 that is not really bad at all for 3 months worth and is pretty well rounded to keep me in good health. I plan on getting more labs around the 3-6 month mark after surgery to ensure that my levels are all where they need to be.

Not much else going on... I feel like the days are crawling by... at least it is February now.

We are at approximately 3 months and 1 week away from surgery.

Waiting on the tax refund to show in the bank account then booking our flights.

Madi tried to go for her passport but now she needs to order a new copy of her birth certificate so I will be helping her with that this week. I should be good to send in my application for a new one with my married name on it.

See ya later!

Jenn

Post-It's

2011-02-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that if there is one thing I love to splurge on it is office supplies. Specifically I enjoy me som bright colored Post-Its! I have been doing what I said and tracking down both work and personal stuff in my new handy dandy day planner. Though since it is not a page a day version I don't have that much room to write out my feelings etc. I had tried just putting smileys but that doesn't give me a clear picture of what was going on with me that day.

So seeing as I have an over abundance of Post-It's at my desk anyways, I grabbed some from there and stuck it in the pocket of my planner. Yesterday I was upset. Someone I thought of as a friend sort of seemed to show herself as not much of a friend. I told her about a situation in confidence and she got upset about it. Really that is the most I can say about it and I don't feel that it needs any more thought and energy. So while I was still fuming, I grabbed a post it and scribbled out my feelings about the situation, stuck it to yesterday's date in my planner and drew a little sad/angry smiley. Amazingly, my anger seemed to dissipate and I was able to move on with the rest of my day and leave that crap on the post it.

I wrote out a post it today, that basically said, still a little upset about how things turned out but not dealing with it right now. Feeling a little nauseated and sick and probably going home early, but over all I am pretty happy and excited about my job interview Friday, as well as having a supportive husband and best friend. Then I drew a nice big smiley. Because it is important to acknowledge what makes you feel better, what makes you truly happy. I am going to continue to do this Post-It system for the rest of the week and see if it really does help keep my emotions (and therefore binging) in check. So far I am liking it.

Plus it makes my planner even more colorful..don't you think? :D

Binge eating and emotional hunger probably won't go away after surgery...but if I can find something that works for me and helps keep those urges in check then I am already off to a good start.

Money Money Moneeeyyy

2011-02-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

I got a hold of one of the hiring managers at one of the several places I applied at and scored an interview for Friday! It may not pay a lot BUT it still will be extra money in :)

I am happy!

Mean People Suck

2011-01-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

I used to have a shirt that said that...and even though that was at least a good 12 years ago that I had that shirt, I still think the sentiment rings true. Now I suppose that the people I am talking about in this particular instance aren't exactly "mean" in the true sense of the word, but at the very least they are guilty of being rude and untactful...which to me is usually just as bad as mean.

I haven't told a huge amount of people at work, just a few that I have known a while. You get such mixed responses but in particular I knew this one lady would be open minded and not judgemental, and she wasn't. However one girl a few cubicles over heard us discussing me and weight loss etc. She didn't hear about the surgery, but anyways I was talking about how I feel like I look a lot older when I am heavier. She decides to pipe in and say "that's bull... weight has nothing to do with how old you look!" and I say let me show you what I mean. I pull out a pic of me approximately 3 years old. She says I look sixteen in the pic.... I WAS 23!!!! I tell her that and she is like, " well thats like 6 years old, that's not really a good comparison" I tell her that no it was only 3 years ago and she goes, then tells me she thought I was AT LEAST 30...

so... there went my self esteem for the day. Not that I think that 30 is a bad age, in fact I look forward to 30, but to be told you look an age you aren't yet sucks balls. And for her to say that weight doesn't effect how old you look is total bull. Just looking through the message board I frequent you can see how much younger people look in their after pics and how much happier they look.

I feel frumpy enough most days as it is, and really wish that she would have kept her mouth shut and not hopped into the conversation like she did.

On a happier note... I finished my new scarf... and thought you would like to put a face to a name...so here is me and my new scarf :) Don't mind me... i look a bit rough...been sick all weekend

Jumping Through Hoops

2011-01-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

Something that should have been simple turned into quite the adventure. I had all the money I needed for my deposit... well sorta.

HR at my job messed up my direct deposit, so come payday I didn't get my paycheck. They gave me a paycard, but i couldn't pay the deposit via credit. The paycard also came with a way to write a check to yourself. So I did that and figured Friday when I get off work early I could just run to the bank, deposit it and get my money order to send off. Easy enough right?

Actually no. My old bank that I have been with for 10 years WOULD NOT cash it because I didn't have matching funds in the account. They informed me there would be a 3 day hold on it and the bitch at the counter was giving me a look like she didn't believe it was a real check...despite the instructions on the front of it to CALL ADP and verify it.

So then... I drive over to the new bank we had switched to (the reason I put in new direct deposit info to work). Since I haven't even had the account for 30 days there would be a 7 day hold...but at least they were more polite to me at that bank. A lady behind me in line suggested I run to Amscot across the street. Finally I get someone to cash the damn check...it winds up costing me 18 dollars mind you... but at that point I had no choice. I needed to get everything into them by 2/4.

So Saturday morning we got the paperwork notarized at the bank then sent everything off at the post office via priority. I was relieved, excited, and over all still in shock that this all is actually going to happen in May.

This week Madi and I are going to put in for our passports... good news and FYI if you need to travel to Mexico for your surgery... you can get a passport card instead of the book for wayyyy cheaper. Since I don't plan on traveling to Europe anytime soon this is a good option for now since I need to pinch pennies. 30 bucks for me (since I am doing a name change it costs the same as for a renewal), and 55 for Madi's since she has never had a passport.

Once the tax return is in my account I am getting our flights booked.

Still left to do:

-Find second job to build savings back up
Been applying like crazy, calling the local places I put in apps to tomorrow.
-Purchase post-op supplies
looking into either Isopure, or Profect from Bariatric Advantage for the first week post op,
still haven't figured out what to do for protien shakes but im leaning toward soy since I
have lactose intolerance which equals lots of gas, and I imagine, lots of discomfort.

That's all for now

Jenn

Financial Fun With Jenn!

2011-01-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

So my $500 deposit gets sent off tomorrow to beliteweight. I already had this amount from part of my last 2 paychecks. I was a tiny bit nervous that I would not get enough back on our income tax return to cover the down payment. Of course as it always seems to happen I received the last form I needed to file my taxes in the mail today.

$3007

Just enough to cover it :)

I am having it direct deposited into savings so it can stay there safely. I feel relieved, and still in shock that things are working out for this to happen.

Tomorrow I am going to work for 4 hours, then it's off to the bank to take care of getting the forms notarized and getting a money order, from there that reserves my date and my medical loan.

Next stop--passports and plane tickets!

Tomorrow evening I am having a Pure Romance Party. Will be fun to have a night with the girls and I am more than ready for it with this off my mind!

Because I'm a type A personality.

2011-01-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I got a target gift card from my bank (part of their rewards program), so I headed there last nigth and got myself a new planner for 2011. I enjoy having a planner and tend to use it to right down both work related and personal stuff. I already know I am going to need to keep track of my eating and meal times post surgery, but I also want to track my emotions so I become more aware of my eating habits in relation to them. Maybe just the simple act of tracking them will help trigger me to question why I think I am hungry.
I found a cute little leatherette type one with stylish little ruffles on the strap closure and thought it suited me. It is a weekly one and I think it has sufficient space to track in it.

Last night was mostly good except I got a notice for jury duty in February. :( I am pretty sure my work does not compensate me if I have to serve so I am going to attempt to at least postpone having to do it. I honestly would like to go if I wouldn't take a huge hit in the wallet.

Come next month I need to be working at two jobs, not making 15 bucks a day at jury duty. Yep, it may only last a day, but I rather not have to take the chance. I looked at my little tracker... 3 months 2 weeks and a day til surgery. I know this time will "fly" by but it totally feels like it is dragging. I just want to be on the other side, so I can believe this is actually happening.

Confirmation

2011-01-25T07:34:00.001-08:00

I found this image on Transitional Invariance, a fellow sleever's blog. It shows some of the issues that are resolved many times after bariatric surgery. This made me smile. I really do feel that this will improve my quality of life.

I was talking to my mom about the surgery yesterday and she is slowly becoming more and more supportive of me. She even agreed to keep it a secret from my aunts and I know not gossiping is hard for her lol. I really appreciate that she is respecting my decision to do this and respecting my privacy as well. Heck, she said she even is thinking about going for the surgery. I just worry about her going though. She is going to be 63 this year. I am very protective of my mom especially after my dad died back when I was 18. I rather I go for the surgery first and then later she goes after a thorough checking out. If she waits a couple more years maybe medicare might even pay for some of the costs. I should check into that for her.

I am getting antsy about doing our tax return. I am still waiting on the form from my school and am slightly scared that the amount we get back won't cover the down payment for the surgery like we planned. I love to worry so I am trying not to. I am thinking positive. Everything else is falling into place to make this happen...and so will the money as well as finding a second job.

I am probably booking the flights and taking care of mine and madi's passports whenever we do get the taxes back (she will pay me as soon as she gets a job and I honestly do trust her word and that she will be able to find something soon).

Last night at the store I saw some hello kitty toddler plate sets... freaking adorable. I am going to look around before buying my stuff for after surgery.

That's all for now. I will keep you posted :)

Over the weekend...

2011-01-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend was pretty uneventful, but great. One of my friends has been down from South Dakota so I had a 3 day weekend and spent time with her. We went and indulged in yarn on Thursday afternoon and have been knitting the whole weekend! Okay, yes we are nerds, but that is how we get down! :P

I finished on and a half socks and 1/8 of a scarf. She finished a full pair and a hat.

Friday we picked up my other friend and had a girls' day. Ate at this little German cafe that I love (delicious but light meals that fill you up) then walked up the main street to the used bookstore next door as well as the art gallery and a couple shops.

It was really nice spending time with two of my best friends.

Some other things I did were look into supplements etc and my pre-op diet. From what the guide says for it, I am pretty sure I can use what I have left from Medifast for my pre-op diet. So my pre-op plan to start May 1 ( i was told I only need to do 1 week, but am going to do 10 days)

approx 4-5 medifast meals a day and 1-2 meals of chicken and broccoli. I can totally do that for 10 days and want to ensure I prep myself for surgery the best I can.

Since other changes need to be made before then as well, I am going to ween myself off soda starting in April. I am a pretty casual cigarette smoker, but that too is going to be going away. Honestly I never had a huge problem with not smoking before and cigarette packs are getting expensive so I am not stressing about this one as much as I am soda lol.

Also doing some digging around for stuff about emotional eating and binge eating disorder to better arm myself and start trying to change my habits and coping mechanisms.

Well, back to work tomorrow. Fun Fun Fun.

Setting Up Reinforcements

2011-01-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

Setting the date and preparing to pay my deposit is making all this very real. In a way its awesome! But it is also scary as hell!

I don't like to ever feel unprepared so the prep work is starting now. 3 months and 3 weeks out.

I found a WLS meetup group off of meetup.com and although I have not yet had the surgery I signed up and registered for their next support night. I have to say I am slightly nervous about meeting them. I am not sure if any of them did surgery out of country, but I am a little nervous of being judged about doing my surgery in Mexico. It's not that I care what they might think, but it will suck if the group feels unsupportive based on that. I will most certainly update after I go (feb 7).

I am also trying to research vitamins and supplements I will need post- surgery as well as planning out the pre-op diet I need to be on. Fail to plan and you plan to fail!

Other things that still need to be done are:

Update passport with married name (get a certified copy of my marriage license)
Help my bestie get her passport
book flights
Do taxes (this is hopefully covering the bulk of the down payment)
Call back the places I applied for a second job at.
At some point I need to do pre-op pics :P

Set in stone... kind of

2011-01-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

So the medical questionnaire was approved and my date is set. So I will have my Gastric Sleeve done on...

*drumroll*

May 11th
(3 months, 3 weeks, and a day away)

So many emotions are running through me right now from excited and anxious to nervous and slightly scared of the unknowns, but I know I set out on this journey for a reason. Most my friends and relatives think I am stupid for doing this but I have faith that it will all work out. I feel that if things weren't meant to happen and I wasn't MEANT to have the surgery, then stuff would not be lining up and working out as it is right now.

Overall I am very excited and for the first time in a long time I feel hope about becoming healthier and no longer being a fat girl.

That's all for now!

Jenn

The status Quo...

2011-01-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

Paperwork has been submitted to financing. I am working with Beliteweight with coordinating surgery and using their in house financing. They gave me the thumbs up and said everything is looking good with it.

Completed medical questionnaire and it is waiting approval from the doctor.

Tentatively it appears surgery will be on May 11th, barring any issues popping up. (I am knocking on wood). Excited to get info regarding the pre-op diet etc.

My husband, while supportive is still a bit nervous because I suppose he didn't expect that we would be able to get this process moving as fast as it is moving. He asked me to check in with my primary care doctor and to make him feel better I will. I am hesitant about getting "their opinion" as I am worried that as soon as I say my surgeon is out of the country it will turn completely negative. I might try discussing the surgery and trying to get their "opinion" before saying...oh by the way my surgeon is in Mexico. But it is important to set up some post op follow up with my own doctor I think. As long as she is on board.

My doctors office is heavily trying to push the HCG diet on patients and I am sorry but injecting or taking extra hormones isn't necessarily any better than removing part of my stomach, so I do not want to hear their pitch on it again as a alternative to surgery. My mind is made up, and while I have done tons of research I continue to do more, and it only further convinces me that this is the right decision for myself.

That's all for now

The dreaded intro...

2011-01-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

Ah the dreaded intro where you awkwardly introduce yourself to the world wide web. My name is Jenn and I am currently fat. I know some people cringe at such a "cruel" word, but lets face it... that is something that I have in surplus right now. I won't waste a bunch of time saying how I was raised to clean your plate off, could eat whatever until I hit puberty, and am in a very Italian family which just brewed a recipe for disaster. Shit happens, people lose control and fuck up. What matters is that you refuse to quit until you get it right.

Which brings me to why I am here. My most recent journey has led me to seek out weight loss surgery. I know many people still very much consider it "the easy way out" and even more will expect me to gain everything back that I do happen to lose. I won't sit here and make a promise that it will never happen...that I won't at some point have to re-lose pounds that I lost before. But I am going to fucking try. I certainly won't be giving up easily.

I am 26 years old, 5'0 and 265.8 lbs. I was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and I get knee and back pain a LOT. Is this the easy way out? No...I really don't think so. But right now I feel that after lots of research and even more research and thought that right now this is what I need to do to shove me back in the right direction.

I am going to be going for a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Another factor of huge concern for those that care about me is the fact that I am having it done in Mexico. Tijuana to be exact. I know many mean well, but please if you are concerned for me, or thing I am not thinking this through, please just keep it to yourself and hope that everything goes okay with the surgery. Please trust that I am not an idiot and make sure to thoroughly check out anything and everything that I can before diving into something.

As far as my surgery date, this hasn't been set yet. however I will be sure to update you when it is. Tentatively I am looking at late April/early May for the surgery so that I can get what I need to in order before I go. Since a large part of this journey will probably be dealing with my mind and not just my stomach, I wanted to start this blog. Not only to document my progress but to be as candid as I can about my journey, my struggles, and my successes.

My name is Jenn and this is my journey to becoming a former fat girl.

-Jenn