Drop Dead Diva

At first this show slightly annoyed me. Some of the usual "fat girl habits" that the main character has in the show to me at least seemed a bit over-dramatic and really pushed the whole stereotypical view of obese people. However I like the actress that plays the main character so I have still been watching the first season on Netflix here and there.

Finally this show gave me something aside from the awesome actress that plays Jane Bingum. I was watching Episode 9: The Dress. In this episode Jane finds a gorgeous dress in a magazine like Vogue and decides since she is a lawyer and makes enough she wants to buy it. When she goes into the clothing store they only carry up to size 10...Jane is a size 16. Have we not all been there?? You see something gorgeous on the rack and search with hope that your size is somewhere in that rack--only to be sorely dissappointed. That is sucky enough!

But what happens to Jane after that really hits home. They ask a store clerk if there is any larger sizes of the dress elsewhere in the store and the clerk rather rudely says "the dress isnt meant for her silhouette" another clerk also suggests she go to one of the bargain outlet type places to find something with an empire waist. When Jane asks "Are you asking me to leave?" the women smirks and says "also have a good day."

OMG I wanted to slap the bitch! Being treated like that is something I think a lot of us could relate to. Maybe I wasn't kicked out of a clothing store before, but I was certainly treated like I was less important than someone else of a smaller size than me. Of course because its a show, ultimately Jane gets the store to realize they are discriminating AND cutting off a big portion of women as most are not size 10 and under. Unfortunately that does not usually happen in real life, does it?

I am so glad I had this surgery but I have realized that I never should have been ashamed of myself regardless of my size. I never should have let anyone else make me feel ashamed of myself. I am making a pact to myself, and to other obese individuals like myself that I will never be ashamed of, or forget the woman I am right now, even when my size is under a 10.

In fact here are some reasons why I am so awesome the way I am right now!

1- I have pretty brown eyes! They look especially sexy with blue and purple eye make up!

2- I am a pretty darn good writer! One day I will have a book published...

3- I am artistic and creative.

4- I can be very comedic and do pretty good impressions of others.

5- I can dance...big or small I can shake my ass!

6- I look awesome with short hair--not everyone can pull that off!

7- Even at a heavier weight I have nice leg muscles

8- I have sexy full lips

9- I am well-known for my big boobs

10- I am caring, loving, and loyal. I am always willing to give people a chance.

So yeah... I am loving me today. Tell me what you love about you! I wanna know!

Omeprazole and Me

So I noticed after a bit my new sleevie likes to act up. I would be doing my thing, sipping slowly, and taking breaks when I need to. But then BOOM chest feels like there is pressure. No matter what it won't go away. Finally I decided to take some of my acid reducer my dr gave me. Sure enough almost instant relief.

I havent been able to sleep and I felt hungry so I had half a syntrax nectar (leaving the rest for breakfast). Sure enough its been a good 12 hours since I last had my omeprazole and there is that same tightness. Again its gone nearly instantly after taking it.

This sleeve thing... definitely is a learning in progress type deal. You really can't explain things until you are on that side and then its like OHHHH thats how that feels etc.

I still can't sleep and the people in the room next to us are strumming a guitar and singing. I don't mind it at all, its actually pretty and soothing. Might just lull me back to bed. I suppose its a fitting end to my trip to Tijuana Mexico hehe. (reminded me of something el mariachi plays in desperado).

My Support System

Me, Robert, and Madi in Seattle

As my final pre-op days are dwindling down, I find myself thinking about the awesome people that have been there for me pre op and are going to be there post-op and I feel pretty blessed.

There is Robert, my husband, whom has always wanted for me to feel good about myself, and to be healthy. He has been and always was a big supporter of me in everything that I do. I know he wants me to succeed at whatever I try and is one of my biggest cheerleaders. Plenty times he has let his wants take a backseat over things I want or need. I am going to find a way to make this up to him. He is amazing.

Then Madi, she is the bestest friend I could ask for, she not once has been judgemental of me and is always supportive. We have fun and laugh together and when I'm upset she is there to listen to me. She puts everyone else first, including me (which sometimes drives me nuts lol). I couldn't be more happy to have her be able to come with me to Mexico. I know If I am feeling like shit, she will be sure to help me out or at least hold my hand. I know I could get through surgery on my own, but I am glad I don't have to. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

Michele, another amazing friend of mine that can knit up anything and everything and has always been supportive of me regardless of what I was doing. She is very happy for me getting the surgery, she even helped us out when money was tight and we had to expedite and upgrade Madi's passport, just so I didn't have to go alone. I wish she didn't live so far away, but that doesn't stop us from being such great friends. I plan to visit her when she moves even FURTHER away, from South Dakota to Oregon and get my knit on with her.

Dana and Chris, They are sitting at my house right now with Madi, waiting for me to get off work so they can visit with me one last time before the big surgery. I have known dana for sooo many years now, as well as her boyfriend, and they are family to me. I love them and they are awesome. Of my local friends, they live the furthest away, yet they seem to be the ones that visit us the most. That speaks volumes, especially with how much gas is. Dana is already excited about the thought of buying clothes in similar sizes :).

My MOMMY! Although she is worried, she is very happy for me and can't wait to see me lose. I am hoping in a couple years once she gets on Medicare, maybe she can get the surgery too. I love my mom, and despite our differences we have at times, that's never changed.

I have several co-workers that know about my surgery. I am not embarrassed by the fact I am having surgery. Nor should I be. Not one of them has been negative about it. As I get ready to leave them for a week and a half they all excited to see me when I get back and watch me shrink as the months go by lol. One of them today told me her and I need to have our last pow wow (chatting about the surgery) before I leave tomorrow.

And finally but not least by any means are my followers, on here and on youtube. I know some of you are a few steps ahead of me, others are a few steps behind...and some are right where I am. Either way I love reading your posts, I love reading your comments and I love the fact that we are able to find people we can relate to thanks to places like obesity help and blogspot and youtube.

Despite some family being very worried and against me going, even they are supportive in some way. But even so , reading back through what I just wrote I have a really awesome support system already. To everyone, thanks!

Big Changes

What do you think of the new look of the blog? I need to take out that flower petal bit in the banner but otherwise I am pretty happy with how it came out. I thought as I am getting ready to go into surgery--- a big change in my life-- why not change things up on the blog as well? l am decent when it comes to photoshop skills.

I am currently at work. It is quiet and there are not many people here. I was hoping the laptop they are lending me for the week after surgery would be done already so I could just do this from home today. Oh well. Going to see the family after work one last time before Mexico. I know they are still very much freaked out, but not sure if I will deal with any more drama from them today. I am hoping not.

I have been pretty good about water the past few days, and in preparation for surgery I have been upping it further. Yep! I went and got a new Hangover Part 2 Super big gulp cup lol. My brother actually looks and acts a lot like Zach Galifinakis' character so... I HAD to get the cup. Not to mention one of those cups is roughtly half a day's water. My goal right now is 3 of these (roughly 132 oz of water and half my weight in oz). Also doing my best to avoid soda. It's time for me to say goodbye. I have been avoiding it.

Nearly everything I need to pack is packed. I am ready to go for the most part. I am hesitant to leave my husband for 4 days, as that's the longest we will have ever been apart. (I know I am a baby...sue me!). He can be hard to read sometimes so I am not sure how he is feeling during all of this but amidst all the excitement I don't want to push side any of his thoughts and worries.

The other night he said something that came off mean. He and I both had a rough day and I just wanted to be able to cuddle up to him. I said "we only have a few more days til I am leaving and having major surgery that does have some risks involved." He told me "But its still an elective procedure", which yes is definitely true...but in some ways I feel like no...actually it isn't because each day I stay the same...or worse GET BIGGER, my health only worsens. He has seen me on some of my worst days. He knows how horrible I can feel sometimes. So when he said that and it came off very non-chalant, it hurt my feelings.

As I always do, I closed up and went and laid down on the couch and just got very quiet. We talked about it later and he explained he meant that "he knows I'll do fine and he isn't worried". Okay...thats more acceptable. I am glad if he has faith that things will be alright and I will come through surgery just fine. I have that belief too, and I feel that if you fill your head with positivity like that, sometimes it can help tremendously.

Still though I am going to be sad when I have to say goodbye at the airport. I love him so much. Through all these changes I may go through over the next year, I am dearly afraid that our relationship may be one of those things. At the very least I hope that whatever changes come to my marriage are good ones. He has been very supportive and very loving... I don't want to lose that in the mist of finding myself.

Magical BBQ

First off I did not cheat! I counted in the carbs for my dinner last night. I got pulled pork and chicken from Sonny's last night, but instead of getting bread etc, i got broccoli and green beans. My weight hadn't been moving since last Tuesday, and I was a tad bummed because I have really been trying to hit 10 lbs down before surgery. Well I dropped 1 more lb since yesterday hehe..

so...magical bbq

Just kidding...but seriously!

Will be posting my last pre op vlog shortly (it is uploading now). Today was the only free time I had. I also did all my measurements today and need to do pre op pics here shortly. I think I will just do those the day of surgery though.

Ran to the bank and got the money etc out that I will need for Mexico, so I will be packing just about everything today (with the exception of my toothbrush pretty much.) I don't know that this all has truly sunk in yet... it still feels like a dream. I can't even fathom the changes that will take place for me over the next year. It is truly truly exciting and I feel very lucky to have been afforded this chance to turn things around.

I swear to you this is not meant to be melodramatic, but the day I found out my financing was approved for surgery, was a day I realized I had hope again. Maria off of OH (her blog is Formerly Fluffy) made a great post a few days back asking :

"Did obesity cause you to give up on dreams?"

Simply put yes.

I gave up on dance classes that I loved

I gave up on going horseback riding again

I gave up on ever looking good in clothes.

I gave up on enjoying the beaches anymore

I gave up on feeling truly beautiful

I gave up on myself.

Although none of this feels real right now I feel like I have gained some hope back and some of my old dreams may ressurrect themselves. I feel like this year is finally the year I truly become me and spread my wings.

I will take back my health

I will let myself feel beautiful.

I will enjoy trying on clothes again

I will go to the beach

I will let my creativity overflow

I will create something beautiful.

I will fall in love with myself after 26 long years.

What about you? What will you do after surgery? If post-op, what good things have you done for yourself? What dreams will you rekindle?

AwesomeSauce!

Nope this isn't a product review... I just like saying "awesomesauce"sometimes. Compared to the last entry I am feeling much better. Despite some things that are still irritating me I am suffering from a sunny disposition at the moment so I will just go with it!

It is looking like the amount of hours I will get in before this pay-period ends for my work at home job should get me to the amount I need for Mexico. So whatever we save these next two weeks can be money for our Seattle trip (I am estimating at least 500 between the three of us...not too bad) ! YAY! I feel less stressed knowing we can go on vacation and not have to freak about money. I feel less stressed period when I feel like money issues are in order. (yay for finally learning to keep track of my spending!) We could probably afford to even do some fun touristy things!

I am looking forward to Seattle and despite wishing I could have been smaller than I am now before going, I am going to enjoy this trip! I have always wanted to go and I am finally going. I said one day I would make it to the west coast of the USA and by golly I am! Last year was such a rough year...a really rough year. I refuse to let this year be follow suit, so I have grabbed 2011 by the balls and told it that it will be mine! 2010 had its way with me but I'll be damned if 2011 does the same!

In January I said I wanted to finally go for weight loss surgery to get this weight off once and for all and in approximately 47 days I will. I wanted to get a second job working from home and I did. I'm freaking pumped, I feel like this year I am coming into the true me, once and for all. I am finally learning to love me for who I am, and realizing I don't need to be what everyone else wants me to be.

I know things won't always go this great but while they are I will learn to enjoy them rather than worrying about everything that could go wrong. I have always been a worrier and it has never got me anywhere good. Things always happen for a reason and while one thing may not be good, eventually some good will come out of it. I have experienced this many times to feel justified in saying so. Most recently I had been complaining about the account I got put on at my day job and how I wish I would have just been allowed to go to this other account I had really liked. That account found out yesterday they have until May, as that client is going offshore for customer service. About 100 people from that account will not have a job. I now feel lucky that I didn't get put on there. Maybe it was luck, but regardless I still have my job and I am thankful for it now... no more complaining lol.

One of the biggest things that made me feel this way was my father's death. Losing my dad in my first semester of college sucked. I had thought I had everything planned out. I was 18 and an adult afterall! I had been accepted into a private nursing school and was supposed to start the RN program the following semester. I just had to pass my prerequisites (A&P I and Chemistry).
My father died in a car accident right in the middle of the semester. I failed both classes and lost my place in the RN program. I was told I wouldnt be able to get back in for at least another year even though I only needed to pass 2 classes to meet their requirements for the program. They didn't care what had happened.

I left that school, started community college, dropped out for a bit and just started working full time. Met a girl, became really good friends (though now we definitely are not) and she got me a job at the place I currently work. 6 months later I meet Robert. approximately 2 years later we get married. I love my husband so much and as we are about to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary (and 5 years together!) I can't help but look back and think, despite the pain I went through and how much I miss my father, if I hadn't gone through what I did, I would never have detoured from my intended path and probably never met Robert.


This is one of my favorite quotes... I need to remember it when I start to stress again:

Remember,

• Whoever comes are the right people.
• Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
• Whenever it starts is the right time.
• Whenever it's over, it's over.
  

Emotions and Relationships

All this waiting is making me crazy. At the very least I wish the next two weeks would zoom by so I can be in Seattle and have some sort of a break from the norm.

I will be honest, lately I have felt somewhat down. Starting my work-from-home part-time job has cheered me up a little, as I am enjoying the work (and the money I have earned thus far). But overall I feel a bit down. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing that because I feel like it's a mixture of many small things, most of which I have no control of or no way of knowing how things will play out.

Will surgery go okay?
Will I reach my goals?
How will all this effect my relationships with my husband and all my loved ones?
Am I selfish for spending all this money on surgery for me? There is other things that we need to have money for, like that new AC unit so we don't melt away this summer...

Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Given my surgeon's track record I think I can realistically say that I have a good feeling my surgery will be fine...it is just anxiety driving me nuts as usual.

Will I reach my goals? Not sure, but man do I hope so. Maybe I will look too small at 120, maybe I will look good slightly heavier...at the very least I want to get to the point where I feel like my body is in much healthier condition that it is now.

Relationships? That can be a tricky one. My husband and I have a good relationship...except for the fact that I feel completely unattractive. I get scared I am becoming this wife that will just keep growing and letting herself grow until she is bed-ridden and the only thing that fits her is large moo moo's. I get scared that maybe he sees that in his future when he looks at me. He tells me he still thinks I am very attractive and that I am beautiful but I still just have way too much difficulty believing him. When I look in the mirror, I honestly just feel disgusted.

As a result of how I have felt about myself I think too that I lost a lot of my old personality. I feel like I am grumpier, bitchier, and just way less fun than I used to be. I miss being fun. Admittedly I feel this change in me has hurt our relationship. I think after surgery things will get better between us because of mood changes. As I feel and look better I know my mood will improve. It has before when I lost and it has worsened as I have grown. I know it's a factor.

As far as relationships with others, I am not sure how they will go. Friends can be funny sometimes and while they tell you they are happy that you are getting healthier sometimes they act on the contrary. I suppose we will see.

Regarding spending money on the surgery and feeling guilty about it? I still dont know how to deal with it. I really do feel selfish even if my husband tells me he wants me to get this because he wants me to be able to lose weight so that I will feel better about myself. But still... part of me just really wishes I could have been one of those lucky few that got it off and kept it off without surgery. I suppose most of us WLS people tend to have those feelings of regret at times.