Soooooo Close..

So I sorta broke my stall...sorta. Now instead of bouncing back and forth between 183-180 I am bouncing between 179-180. I'll take it. I am now 7 lbs away from being 100 lbs down!

Craziness.....and I am not mad that I haven't hit 172 yet.... because here is the comparison.

Long before surgery and probably close to my biggest of 272...very unhappy.

Me last weekend at 179 lbs!

By the way I went out in public INCLUDING a restaurant and pumping gas like this and didn't even care! hehe

Also, I have some good news. The stressful work situation is now resolved. I moved to a different department at work so the great source of recent stress in my life is more or less gone. I feel even more energetic and like I can concentrate on more important things. Granted...I took a pay cut. But sometimes your sanity is much more important than money. It's fucking priceless thank you.

So if you can't tell roller derby is more or less an obsession of mine. I just love it. It has been helping keep me sane as things had escalated at work. Never underestimate how much better hitting someone can make you feel after a horrible day :) 

Now that I have a bit more focus since my mind isn't preoccupied with work crap, I am starting a workout challenge. You can find it on FB and its the Roller Derby Workout Challenge 2012  . I started late but am doing the workouts and going more with the nutrition guidelines closer to when I was first pre op, except a bit more calories obviously.  

I just finished day 1, and since my practice days are on different days (tomorrow and thu) I swapped the workout days. So today I did the Roller Derby Workout DVD. Ladies, I reccomend this. even if you don't skate or even own a pair, it is an awesome workout. I am feeling the burn. 50 minute workout and it kicked my ass :)  

I am going to be sure to update on my progress through this challenge as I am very excited to see what sort of results I can get out of this, both healthwise as well as what I can bring to my game. This is going to be my first season and I want to be the best I can :)

See ya soon!

Jenn

Emotions and Relationships

All this waiting is making me crazy. At the very least I wish the next two weeks would zoom by so I can be in Seattle and have some sort of a break from the norm.

I will be honest, lately I have felt somewhat down. Starting my work-from-home part-time job has cheered me up a little, as I am enjoying the work (and the money I have earned thus far). But overall I feel a bit down. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing that because I feel like it's a mixture of many small things, most of which I have no control of or no way of knowing how things will play out.

Will surgery go okay?
Will I reach my goals?
How will all this effect my relationships with my husband and all my loved ones?
Am I selfish for spending all this money on surgery for me? There is other things that we need to have money for, like that new AC unit so we don't melt away this summer...

Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Given my surgeon's track record I think I can realistically say that I have a good feeling my surgery will be fine...it is just anxiety driving me nuts as usual.

Will I reach my goals? Not sure, but man do I hope so. Maybe I will look too small at 120, maybe I will look good slightly heavier...at the very least I want to get to the point where I feel like my body is in much healthier condition that it is now.

Relationships? That can be a tricky one. My husband and I have a good relationship...except for the fact that I feel completely unattractive. I get scared I am becoming this wife that will just keep growing and letting herself grow until she is bed-ridden and the only thing that fits her is large moo moo's. I get scared that maybe he sees that in his future when he looks at me. He tells me he still thinks I am very attractive and that I am beautiful but I still just have way too much difficulty believing him. When I look in the mirror, I honestly just feel disgusted.

As a result of how I have felt about myself I think too that I lost a lot of my old personality. I feel like I am grumpier, bitchier, and just way less fun than I used to be. I miss being fun. Admittedly I feel this change in me has hurt our relationship. I think after surgery things will get better between us because of mood changes. As I feel and look better I know my mood will improve. It has before when I lost and it has worsened as I have grown. I know it's a factor.

As far as relationships with others, I am not sure how they will go. Friends can be funny sometimes and while they tell you they are happy that you are getting healthier sometimes they act on the contrary. I suppose we will see.

Regarding spending money on the surgery and feeling guilty about it? I still dont know how to deal with it. I really do feel selfish even if my husband tells me he wants me to get this because he wants me to be able to lose weight so that I will feel better about myself. But still... part of me just really wishes I could have been one of those lucky few that got it off and kept it off without surgery. I suppose most of us WLS people tend to have those feelings of regret at times.