Busy Bee

Sorry my blog has grown a bit quite as of lately. This past 2 weeks I have been doing both jobs full time as well as studying for my Life Insurance exam. (My day job needed me to have it). Luckily I passed the exam so that is at least one thing I can breathe easier about. Training for the second job has been quite grueling, but still enjoyable. I think it is going to be a good part time job for me. I have this week and next week left of training, then the 2 weeks after that is more on the job training (we take calls, they critique etc). After that I will be able to drop my hours hopefully to about 25 a week (though possibly as much as 35).

My weight loss is going well and I continue to see differences in my body. My boobs have shrunk and I can wear some of my smaller bras :). My clothes are getting baggy but I am still super hesitant to buy anything new. I did find a pair of dark blue pants for work at good will (size 18 and a lil stretchy). So no burning of the pants just yet since I still need smaller black pants.

Dietwise I have mostly been behaving. My nieces bday was yesterday and I will admit I had a little bit of ice cream cake. Mainly just the strawberry ice cream and some frosting...I left the actual cake part. It was yummy, no issue and I didn't want any more. Today is back on the straight and narrow, but I don't feel bad about the cake. The rest of my choices were good at my aunts. And guess what? I am now down to 234!!!!

Two more pounds and I will be 40 down from my highest weight! And now... I feel like I can see onederland on the horizon. I was hoping to be under 200 by my birthday in late November, but now I have a feeling I should aim for even less. Maybe 170? That would be the best birthday every. I am not pinning myself to it, but man if I do it I will have lost over 100 lbs total by my birthday. Either way as long as I keep going in the right direction I will be a happy girl.

Unfortunately I havent been exercising like I've wanted to...but working so many hours all I want to do is relax on the weekend. I think once I hit my schedule for that its supposed to be when I start taking calls, it will be easier. Sure I don't get any days off work (if I dont work one job I am working at the other etc). But at least I only have 3 potential days that are going to be extremely long. Out of the rest I am sure I can find time to workout.

Well that's all for now. Not much else going on in my busy little world but I wanted to check in with everyone!

Impending Doom

I feel like today is an I feel fat day. Not sure why. Heck the nightgown I am wearing is a lot bigger than it used to be on me, yet I feel that way. I guess I am scared as Wednesday approaches. I know the numbers on the scale don't mean everything, but it would be nice if they moved. I am so close to cracking into the 230's that its ridiculous.

This weekend has been going well. Aside from having a bit too many carbs yesterday I have been doing better on soft foods as far as getting in a decent amount of protein. Still needing to work on my water intake but I really am trying my hardest on that.

I worked out both Saturday (EA Active 2.0) and Sunday (swimming with the family, but did a few laps too). I plan on probably swimming today as well. I don't think I am going to push myself though, I just want to chill out today.

I am a bit stressed about this coming week as it is, aside from not seeing the numbers on the scale decrease. I start training from home for my second job on Wednesday night. I soundproofed my office as best I could from my dog's barks, so hopefully she isn't any issue. Training is 4pm- 12 AM.

So basically for the next month, while I am training, my weeks are going to be:

Monday-Friday

1st job

7am-3pm

2nd job

4pm-midnight

Weekends:

Collapse from exhaustion.

Luckily pretty much all my food right now is very easy and quick to make so I guess that's good. Robert and Madi know at least for this month they are going to have to worry about their dinner and help me as much as they can around the house because I will be quite busy.

After training in June, then I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, BUT I will have to work weekend nights most likely. My availability to them is Thursday-Monday and they will schedule me between 20-35 hours (I am hoping only 20, but hey if they make me work more then its that faster that we can pay off things).

Madi is still looking for a job (hopefully she will have an interview this coming week), but once she finds something we will be able to get our AC fixed and then work on paying off stuff.

Aside from my weight loss goals, I want to work over the next year or so at cutting down our financial obligations, so after we fix our AC the plan is:

• Pay off surgery
• Pay off credit cards (Really don't have much cc debt woohoo)
• Pay off car
• Work on paying down student loans.
• Save Incaseshit money (In case shit happens).

I may be working my ass off this coming year (in more ways than one) but I think long term it will be worth it. Sometimes I do doubt myself. I doubt that I can do this, just like I doubt sometimes that I will reach my goals....but I am just going to push on ahead and hopefully I will get where I want to be and the hard work will pay off.

Also: To my followers on here! I see a couple more on here! Thanks! If I am not following your blog already, comment in the comment section with your blog link so I can follow you :) I love reading fellow wls people's blogs a lot, and many times you guys inspire me.

Rapture Day & Family Time

So I am still here... I suppose I am a heathen hehe. Sorry I just had to.

I did happen to see a shirt in the parking lot of 7-11 and amused myself with the thought that maybe they were raptured...but then I was confused as to why they weren't apparently wearing pants when they were...

Anyways on to wls-related things. Today was a day surrounded by food I couldn't eat as I went to my aunt's for my nephew's 10th birthday! He was quite excited about hitting double digits. It went better than I thought. I did smell the burgers my uncle cooked out on the grill but wasn't tempted by them. I brought over protein, a cup of soup and a sf chocolate pudding for when everyone had cake. Speaking of my protein, I ended up going to back to GNC and getting more Green Tea Isopure. I tried to do the protein shakes I had gotten from wal-mart pre-op, but wouldn't you know it.... I found them repulsive (I almost puked) as well as I found it hard to keep the carbs at level I wanted.

So right now I am doing 1-2 bottles of Isopure per day, 1 cup of soup, and maybe a sf pudding if I feel like it. That would put me at roughly 37 carbs , and 40-80 grams of protein. Once I hit soft foods next week I plan to incorporate tuna, ricotta and the like and maybe have 1 isopure a day. I got the gold card at GNC so that when I get them it is a little cheaper. For now I really like them and I am a creature of habit. I rather be able to have some soup and some pudding right now without it blowing up the amount of carbs I take in.

Physically I am feeling nearly back to normal except that my larger incision is still kind of achey and red. It doesn't appear to be infected and I have kept it clean. I am a slow healer so this doesn't surprise me. The rest of them are just scabbed now and no pain. I am ready to get more physically active so slightly frustrated I need to wait about 3 more weeks. I suppose though I can just keep increasing walking and maybe try out some exercises on EA Active 2.0 on easy mode. I need to find my workout sneakers though first and foremost.

That's all for now, 1 more day being at home and then I return to the office! Excited to see some of my work buddies. Also I recieved the report back regarding my background and credit check for the other job and it looks like all things should be a go for me to start that on June 1st. I am pretty excited about it, though now we have to get Robert's car fixed because juggling one car is going to be impossible as my hours will completely clash with his. We also now need to figure out a system for when he gets home so that Lainey doesn't bark while I am on a call. (That will get me fired.).

Any good sound-proofing ideas? :)

Big Changes

What do you think of the new look of the blog? I need to take out that flower petal bit in the banner but otherwise I am pretty happy with how it came out. I thought as I am getting ready to go into surgery--- a big change in my life-- why not change things up on the blog as well? l am decent when it comes to photoshop skills.

I am currently at work. It is quiet and there are not many people here. I was hoping the laptop they are lending me for the week after surgery would be done already so I could just do this from home today. Oh well. Going to see the family after work one last time before Mexico. I know they are still very much freaked out, but not sure if I will deal with any more drama from them today. I am hoping not.

I have been pretty good about water the past few days, and in preparation for surgery I have been upping it further. Yep! I went and got a new Hangover Part 2 Super big gulp cup lol. My brother actually looks and acts a lot like Zach Galifinakis' character so... I HAD to get the cup. Not to mention one of those cups is roughtly half a day's water. My goal right now is 3 of these (roughly 132 oz of water and half my weight in oz). Also doing my best to avoid soda. It's time for me to say goodbye. I have been avoiding it.

Nearly everything I need to pack is packed. I am ready to go for the most part. I am hesitant to leave my husband for 4 days, as that's the longest we will have ever been apart. (I know I am a baby...sue me!). He can be hard to read sometimes so I am not sure how he is feeling during all of this but amidst all the excitement I don't want to push side any of his thoughts and worries.

The other night he said something that came off mean. He and I both had a rough day and I just wanted to be able to cuddle up to him. I said "we only have a few more days til I am leaving and having major surgery that does have some risks involved." He told me "But its still an elective procedure", which yes is definitely true...but in some ways I feel like no...actually it isn't because each day I stay the same...or worse GET BIGGER, my health only worsens. He has seen me on some of my worst days. He knows how horrible I can feel sometimes. So when he said that and it came off very non-chalant, it hurt my feelings.

As I always do, I closed up and went and laid down on the couch and just got very quiet. We talked about it later and he explained he meant that "he knows I'll do fine and he isn't worried". Okay...thats more acceptable. I am glad if he has faith that things will be alright and I will come through surgery just fine. I have that belief too, and I feel that if you fill your head with positivity like that, sometimes it can help tremendously.

Still though I am going to be sad when I have to say goodbye at the airport. I love him so much. Through all these changes I may go through over the next year, I am dearly afraid that our relationship may be one of those things. At the very least I hope that whatever changes come to my marriage are good ones. He has been very supportive and very loving... I don't want to lose that in the mist of finding myself.

Emotions and Relationships

All this waiting is making me crazy. At the very least I wish the next two weeks would zoom by so I can be in Seattle and have some sort of a break from the norm.

I will be honest, lately I have felt somewhat down. Starting my work-from-home part-time job has cheered me up a little, as I am enjoying the work (and the money I have earned thus far). But overall I feel a bit down. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing that because I feel like it's a mixture of many small things, most of which I have no control of or no way of knowing how things will play out.

Will surgery go okay?
Will I reach my goals?
How will all this effect my relationships with my husband and all my loved ones?
Am I selfish for spending all this money on surgery for me? There is other things that we need to have money for, like that new AC unit so we don't melt away this summer...

Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Given my surgeon's track record I think I can realistically say that I have a good feeling my surgery will be fine...it is just anxiety driving me nuts as usual.

Will I reach my goals? Not sure, but man do I hope so. Maybe I will look too small at 120, maybe I will look good slightly heavier...at the very least I want to get to the point where I feel like my body is in much healthier condition that it is now.

Relationships? That can be a tricky one. My husband and I have a good relationship...except for the fact that I feel completely unattractive. I get scared I am becoming this wife that will just keep growing and letting herself grow until she is bed-ridden and the only thing that fits her is large moo moo's. I get scared that maybe he sees that in his future when he looks at me. He tells me he still thinks I am very attractive and that I am beautiful but I still just have way too much difficulty believing him. When I look in the mirror, I honestly just feel disgusted.

As a result of how I have felt about myself I think too that I lost a lot of my old personality. I feel like I am grumpier, bitchier, and just way less fun than I used to be. I miss being fun. Admittedly I feel this change in me has hurt our relationship. I think after surgery things will get better between us because of mood changes. As I feel and look better I know my mood will improve. It has before when I lost and it has worsened as I have grown. I know it's a factor.

As far as relationships with others, I am not sure how they will go. Friends can be funny sometimes and while they tell you they are happy that you are getting healthier sometimes they act on the contrary. I suppose we will see.

Regarding spending money on the surgery and feeling guilty about it? I still dont know how to deal with it. I really do feel selfish even if my husband tells me he wants me to get this because he wants me to be able to lose weight so that I will feel better about myself. But still... part of me just really wishes I could have been one of those lucky few that got it off and kept it off without surgery. I suppose most of us WLS people tend to have those feelings of regret at times.