Because I have slacked so hard this week...

I've updated pics, vlog AND measurements!

Here we go!

And for even more excitment!

And finally....

So there... :P

HAPPY SUNDAY!

Drop Dead Diva

At first this show slightly annoyed me. Some of the usual "fat girl habits" that the main character has in the show to me at least seemed a bit over-dramatic and really pushed the whole stereotypical view of obese people. However I like the actress that plays the main character so I have still been watching the first season on Netflix here and there.

Finally this show gave me something aside from the awesome actress that plays Jane Bingum. I was watching Episode 9: The Dress. In this episode Jane finds a gorgeous dress in a magazine like Vogue and decides since she is a lawyer and makes enough she wants to buy it. When she goes into the clothing store they only carry up to size 10...Jane is a size 16. Have we not all been there?? You see something gorgeous on the rack and search with hope that your size is somewhere in that rack--only to be sorely dissappointed. That is sucky enough!

But what happens to Jane after that really hits home. They ask a store clerk if there is any larger sizes of the dress elsewhere in the store and the clerk rather rudely says "the dress isnt meant for her silhouette" another clerk also suggests she go to one of the bargain outlet type places to find something with an empire waist. When Jane asks "Are you asking me to leave?" the women smirks and says "also have a good day."

OMG I wanted to slap the bitch! Being treated like that is something I think a lot of us could relate to. Maybe I wasn't kicked out of a clothing store before, but I was certainly treated like I was less important than someone else of a smaller size than me. Of course because its a show, ultimately Jane gets the store to realize they are discriminating AND cutting off a big portion of women as most are not size 10 and under. Unfortunately that does not usually happen in real life, does it?

I am so glad I had this surgery but I have realized that I never should have been ashamed of myself regardless of my size. I never should have let anyone else make me feel ashamed of myself. I am making a pact to myself, and to other obese individuals like myself that I will never be ashamed of, or forget the woman I am right now, even when my size is under a 10.

In fact here are some reasons why I am so awesome the way I am right now!

1- I have pretty brown eyes! They look especially sexy with blue and purple eye make up!

2- I am a pretty darn good writer! One day I will have a book published...

3- I am artistic and creative.

4- I can be very comedic and do pretty good impressions of others.

5- I can dance...big or small I can shake my ass!

6- I look awesome with short hair--not everyone can pull that off!

7- Even at a heavier weight I have nice leg muscles

8- I have sexy full lips

9- I am well-known for my big boobs

10- I am caring, loving, and loyal. I am always willing to give people a chance.

So yeah... I am loving me today. Tell me what you love about you! I wanna know!

Reporting from the Other Side

Well I got sleeved yesterday, later in the afternoon. Last night was pretty rough for me. Didn't throw up, but felt like I would. Today has been better. I still have some gas pain but am getting there... walking lots, doing my breathing exercise, taking my gas-x strips annnd I got my cup of ice chips. Though honestly I am not feeling hungry at all.

Will give a bigger update probably from the hotel tomorrow. So far so good.

Big Changes

What do you think of the new look of the blog? I need to take out that flower petal bit in the banner but otherwise I am pretty happy with how it came out. I thought as I am getting ready to go into surgery--- a big change in my life-- why not change things up on the blog as well? l am decent when it comes to photoshop skills.

I am currently at work. It is quiet and there are not many people here. I was hoping the laptop they are lending me for the week after surgery would be done already so I could just do this from home today. Oh well. Going to see the family after work one last time before Mexico. I know they are still very much freaked out, but not sure if I will deal with any more drama from them today. I am hoping not.

I have been pretty good about water the past few days, and in preparation for surgery I have been upping it further. Yep! I went and got a new Hangover Part 2 Super big gulp cup lol. My brother actually looks and acts a lot like Zach Galifinakis' character so... I HAD to get the cup. Not to mention one of those cups is roughtly half a day's water. My goal right now is 3 of these (roughly 132 oz of water and half my weight in oz). Also doing my best to avoid soda. It's time for me to say goodbye. I have been avoiding it.

Nearly everything I need to pack is packed. I am ready to go for the most part. I am hesitant to leave my husband for 4 days, as that's the longest we will have ever been apart. (I know I am a baby...sue me!). He can be hard to read sometimes so I am not sure how he is feeling during all of this but amidst all the excitement I don't want to push side any of his thoughts and worries.

The other night he said something that came off mean. He and I both had a rough day and I just wanted to be able to cuddle up to him. I said "we only have a few more days til I am leaving and having major surgery that does have some risks involved." He told me "But its still an elective procedure", which yes is definitely true...but in some ways I feel like no...actually it isn't because each day I stay the same...or worse GET BIGGER, my health only worsens. He has seen me on some of my worst days. He knows how horrible I can feel sometimes. So when he said that and it came off very non-chalant, it hurt my feelings.

As I always do, I closed up and went and laid down on the couch and just got very quiet. We talked about it later and he explained he meant that "he knows I'll do fine and he isn't worried". Okay...thats more acceptable. I am glad if he has faith that things will be alright and I will come through surgery just fine. I have that belief too, and I feel that if you fill your head with positivity like that, sometimes it can help tremendously.

Still though I am going to be sad when I have to say goodbye at the airport. I love him so much. Through all these changes I may go through over the next year, I am dearly afraid that our relationship may be one of those things. At the very least I hope that whatever changes come to my marriage are good ones. He has been very supportive and very loving... I don't want to lose that in the mist of finding myself.

Here we go..

So Even though my surgery is 2 weeks from TOMORROW, I decided to start on my pre-op diet today. I just felt like it was time to truly buckle down. So far so good. Here is what is going on today.

Breakfast:
1 scoop of Body Fortress Chocolate Whey protein
1 cup 1% Milk
Total Carbs: 16
Total protien: 34

Lunch:
Atkin's Advantage Milk Chocolate Delight Shake
Total Carbs: 5
Total protien: 15

Dinner Plans:
8 oz Chicken breast (boneless skinless)
Can of spinach
Total Carbs: 8 (approx...gotta check when i get home)
Total protien: 46

Puts me well within my Carb limit of 40-50 Max (im at approx 29gms)
Protien total is 95gms
Calories are approx 862

Hoping to see a decent loss in the next 2 weeks as most my days will look just like this (maybe an egg added in here or there I think).

Not much else to report really, I'm boring right now :P

AwesomeSauce!

Nope this isn't a product review... I just like saying "awesomesauce"sometimes. Compared to the last entry I am feeling much better. Despite some things that are still irritating me I am suffering from a sunny disposition at the moment so I will just go with it!

It is looking like the amount of hours I will get in before this pay-period ends for my work at home job should get me to the amount I need for Mexico. So whatever we save these next two weeks can be money for our Seattle trip (I am estimating at least 500 between the three of us...not too bad) ! YAY! I feel less stressed knowing we can go on vacation and not have to freak about money. I feel less stressed period when I feel like money issues are in order. (yay for finally learning to keep track of my spending!) We could probably afford to even do some fun touristy things!

I am looking forward to Seattle and despite wishing I could have been smaller than I am now before going, I am going to enjoy this trip! I have always wanted to go and I am finally going. I said one day I would make it to the west coast of the USA and by golly I am! Last year was such a rough year...a really rough year. I refuse to let this year be follow suit, so I have grabbed 2011 by the balls and told it that it will be mine! 2010 had its way with me but I'll be damned if 2011 does the same!

In January I said I wanted to finally go for weight loss surgery to get this weight off once and for all and in approximately 47 days I will. I wanted to get a second job working from home and I did. I'm freaking pumped, I feel like this year I am coming into the true me, once and for all. I am finally learning to love me for who I am, and realizing I don't need to be what everyone else wants me to be.

I know things won't always go this great but while they are I will learn to enjoy them rather than worrying about everything that could go wrong. I have always been a worrier and it has never got me anywhere good. Things always happen for a reason and while one thing may not be good, eventually some good will come out of it. I have experienced this many times to feel justified in saying so. Most recently I had been complaining about the account I got put on at my day job and how I wish I would have just been allowed to go to this other account I had really liked. That account found out yesterday they have until May, as that client is going offshore for customer service. About 100 people from that account will not have a job. I now feel lucky that I didn't get put on there. Maybe it was luck, but regardless I still have my job and I am thankful for it now... no more complaining lol.

One of the biggest things that made me feel this way was my father's death. Losing my dad in my first semester of college sucked. I had thought I had everything planned out. I was 18 and an adult afterall! I had been accepted into a private nursing school and was supposed to start the RN program the following semester. I just had to pass my prerequisites (A&P I and Chemistry).
My father died in a car accident right in the middle of the semester. I failed both classes and lost my place in the RN program. I was told I wouldnt be able to get back in for at least another year even though I only needed to pass 2 classes to meet their requirements for the program. They didn't care what had happened.

I left that school, started community college, dropped out for a bit and just started working full time. Met a girl, became really good friends (though now we definitely are not) and she got me a job at the place I currently work. 6 months later I meet Robert. approximately 2 years later we get married. I love my husband so much and as we are about to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary (and 5 years together!) I can't help but look back and think, despite the pain I went through and how much I miss my father, if I hadn't gone through what I did, I would never have detoured from my intended path and probably never met Robert.


This is one of my favorite quotes... I need to remember it when I start to stress again:

Remember,

• Whoever comes are the right people.
• Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
• Whenever it starts is the right time.
• Whenever it's over, it's over.
  

Emotions and Relationships

All this waiting is making me crazy. At the very least I wish the next two weeks would zoom by so I can be in Seattle and have some sort of a break from the norm.

I will be honest, lately I have felt somewhat down. Starting my work-from-home part-time job has cheered me up a little, as I am enjoying the work (and the money I have earned thus far). But overall I feel a bit down. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing that because I feel like it's a mixture of many small things, most of which I have no control of or no way of knowing how things will play out.

Will surgery go okay?
Will I reach my goals?
How will all this effect my relationships with my husband and all my loved ones?
Am I selfish for spending all this money on surgery for me? There is other things that we need to have money for, like that new AC unit so we don't melt away this summer...

Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Given my surgeon's track record I think I can realistically say that I have a good feeling my surgery will be fine...it is just anxiety driving me nuts as usual.

Will I reach my goals? Not sure, but man do I hope so. Maybe I will look too small at 120, maybe I will look good slightly heavier...at the very least I want to get to the point where I feel like my body is in much healthier condition that it is now.

Relationships? That can be a tricky one. My husband and I have a good relationship...except for the fact that I feel completely unattractive. I get scared I am becoming this wife that will just keep growing and letting herself grow until she is bed-ridden and the only thing that fits her is large moo moo's. I get scared that maybe he sees that in his future when he looks at me. He tells me he still thinks I am very attractive and that I am beautiful but I still just have way too much difficulty believing him. When I look in the mirror, I honestly just feel disgusted.

As a result of how I have felt about myself I think too that I lost a lot of my old personality. I feel like I am grumpier, bitchier, and just way less fun than I used to be. I miss being fun. Admittedly I feel this change in me has hurt our relationship. I think after surgery things will get better between us because of mood changes. As I feel and look better I know my mood will improve. It has before when I lost and it has worsened as I have grown. I know it's a factor.

As far as relationships with others, I am not sure how they will go. Friends can be funny sometimes and while they tell you they are happy that you are getting healthier sometimes they act on the contrary. I suppose we will see.

Regarding spending money on the surgery and feeling guilty about it? I still dont know how to deal with it. I really do feel selfish even if my husband tells me he wants me to get this because he wants me to be able to lose weight so that I will feel better about myself. But still... part of me just really wishes I could have been one of those lucky few that got it off and kept it off without surgery. I suppose most of us WLS people tend to have those feelings of regret at times.

The dreaded intro...

Ah the dreaded intro where you awkwardly introduce yourself to the world wide web. My name is Jenn and I am currently fat. I know some people cringe at such a "cruel" word, but lets face it... that is something that I have in surplus right now. I won't waste a bunch of time saying how I was raised to clean your plate off, could eat whatever until I hit puberty, and am in a very Italian family which just brewed a recipe for disaster. Shit happens, people lose control and fuck up. What matters is that you refuse to quit until you get it right.

Which brings me to why I am here. My most recent journey has led me to seek out weight loss surgery. I know many people still very much consider it "the easy way out" and even more will expect me to gain everything back that I do happen to lose. I won't sit here and make a promise that it will never happen...that I won't at some point have to re-lose pounds that I lost before. But I am going to fucking try. I certainly won't be giving up easily.

I am 26 years old, 5'0 and 265.8 lbs. I was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and I get knee and back pain a LOT. Is this the easy way out? No...I really don't think so. But right now I feel that after lots of research and even more research and thought that right now this is what I need to do to shove me back in the right direction.

I am going to be going for a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Another factor of huge concern for those that care about me is the fact that I am having it done in Mexico. Tijuana to be exact. I know many mean well, but please if you are concerned for me, or thing I am not thinking this through, please just keep it to yourself and hope that everything goes okay with the surgery. Please trust that I am not an idiot and make sure to thoroughly check out anything and everything that I can before diving into something.

As far as my surgery date, this hasn't been set yet. however I will be sure to update you when it is. Tentatively I am looking at late April/early May for the surgery so that I can get what I need to in order before I go. Since a large part of this journey will probably be dealing with my mind and not just my stomach, I wanted to start this blog. Not only to document my progress but to be as candid as I can about my journey, my struggles, and my successes.

My name is Jenn and this is my journey to becoming a former fat girl.

-Jenn