Evil Scales

My scale comes out of hiding, tonight while I sleep. Tomorrow morning is the showdown. 3 weeks post op and I have no idea what to expect from that vile creature.

I can tell you I have been following my post op plan! I have determination and I refuse to waiver. Ive started working out. In fact I have been working out everyday for the last week.

Yet still the fear of getting on my scale tomorrow is there. I think we get used to seeing the number go up and up and up and feeling helpless as we watch it do so, that when we do actually start losing weight, we expect at some point the scale to start going back up, even if we are doing everything we are supposed to make it go down.

So I guess we will see what happens tomorrow. All I can do is hope for a little bit of a loss. I'd love to say I am in the 230's tomorrow but I have a feeling that may be wishful thinking. The last few days I have just felt fat. I know I have lost and I know some things are fitting looser but I guess I don't feel smaller.

Impending Doom

I feel like today is an I feel fat day. Not sure why. Heck the nightgown I am wearing is a lot bigger than it used to be on me, yet I feel that way. I guess I am scared as Wednesday approaches. I know the numbers on the scale don't mean everything, but it would be nice if they moved. I am so close to cracking into the 230's that its ridiculous.

This weekend has been going well. Aside from having a bit too many carbs yesterday I have been doing better on soft foods as far as getting in a decent amount of protein. Still needing to work on my water intake but I really am trying my hardest on that.

I worked out both Saturday (EA Active 2.0) and Sunday (swimming with the family, but did a few laps too). I plan on probably swimming today as well. I don't think I am going to push myself though, I just want to chill out today.

I am a bit stressed about this coming week as it is, aside from not seeing the numbers on the scale decrease. I start training from home for my second job on Wednesday night. I soundproofed my office as best I could from my dog's barks, so hopefully she isn't any issue. Training is 4pm- 12 AM.

So basically for the next month, while I am training, my weeks are going to be:

Monday-Friday

1st job

7am-3pm

2nd job

4pm-midnight

Weekends:

Collapse from exhaustion.

Luckily pretty much all my food right now is very easy and quick to make so I guess that's good. Robert and Madi know at least for this month they are going to have to worry about their dinner and help me as much as they can around the house because I will be quite busy.

After training in June, then I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, BUT I will have to work weekend nights most likely. My availability to them is Thursday-Monday and they will schedule me between 20-35 hours (I am hoping only 20, but hey if they make me work more then its that faster that we can pay off things).

Madi is still looking for a job (hopefully she will have an interview this coming week), but once she finds something we will be able to get our AC fixed and then work on paying off stuff.

Aside from my weight loss goals, I want to work over the next year or so at cutting down our financial obligations, so after we fix our AC the plan is:

• Pay off surgery
• Pay off credit cards (Really don't have much cc debt woohoo)
• Pay off car
• Work on paying down student loans.
• Save Incaseshit money (In case shit happens).

I may be working my ass off this coming year (in more ways than one) but I think long term it will be worth it. Sometimes I do doubt myself. I doubt that I can do this, just like I doubt sometimes that I will reach my goals....but I am just going to push on ahead and hopefully I will get where I want to be and the hard work will pay off.

Also: To my followers on here! I see a couple more on here! Thanks! If I am not following your blog already, comment in the comment section with your blog link so I can follow you :) I love reading fellow wls people's blogs a lot, and many times you guys inspire me.

My First Post-Op Bento

This bad boy is going to take me all day to eat I think. With the eggs, tuna and mayo added in, there is about 3 servings of tuna salad in there (update...yea no its at least 4 servings lol). and then the 2 babybels are snacks...BUT I will be at work for a good 10 hours today so this should be fine. Honestly it looks like way more because of the container, but I measured it out. I had a little forkful (on my tiny fork) and it seemed to go down and was tolerated very well.

For dinner (if I have room lol) is ricotta with some pizza sauce and a pinch of stredded parmesan.

Moving Moving Moving...

I am feeling less blah today than I have in the past few days. I think it helps that I am moving to soft foods as of tomorrow, but whatever, I am not a grumpy B like I have been the past few days.

Today my coworker and I found another route to walk that has a bit more shade and is just more of a scenic walk. This is day 3 now that we have gone for a walk around lunch time.

I have been tracking us with My Tracks on my Android phone since I love being able to see stats.

Here they are for the day.

• Total Distance: 1.54 km (1.0 mi)
• Total Time: 20:36
• Moving Time: 19:38
• Average Speed: 4.49 km/h (2.8 mi/h)

Not too bad for a start. Back and forth is 1 complete mile, so maybe soon we can get it to 2 miles during lunch.

Either way, right now I don't feel so bad if I don't get another walk in at home. I think for just over 2 weeks post op I am doing fine. Not pushing myself, but still breaking a bit of a sweat.

I wanted to weigh myself so bad this morning when I woke up... but alas the scale has been hidden at my request, so until next Wednesday. I can, however, measure myself when I get home. I have been meaning to. I think I am just afraid I haven't lost that many inches lol. I also need to do a video update. I just don't know what to say I guess.

That's all for now.

Stalled

So I think I can call it official. My weight has been stuck at 244-243.8 for the last 5 days. I am not going to bitch and gripe though even if I am a bit grumpy about it. I had Madi hide the scale while I am still at work so I don't obsess over it during the next week. According to the forums it may not even budge for the next week. Today is 2 weeks since surgery and apparently stalling after about 10 days is not uncommon so I guess I will just suck it up.

Here is what my daily intake consists of at the moment:

• 2 bottles of Isopure @ 1 carb, 170 Calories, 40 grams protein
• At least 44 oz but trying to push it to 64 or higher (my goal is 88oz)
• 1 cup of soup at night (last night was a cup of Chicken, broccoli cheese and potato)
• 1 SF chocolate pudding.

TOTALS:

• 590 calories
• 14 grams of fat
• 30 grams of carbs
• 87 grams of protein.

Also taking 1 Centrum Silver chewable multivitamin, 500 mcg b12 sublingual and 20 mg prilosec 2 x a day. I know I need to get in my calcium pill but it isn't chewable and I am afraid to start taking it because even though the container says petites, they look HUGE.

Yesterday I walked about .75 miles.
Today I have already walked 1 mile.


Thats all for now

Nightmares & Cupcakes

I haven't been sleeping well.

I swear since this weekend I have had one strange and unsettling dream after the other. Last night's took the cake...literally.

I had a dream that Robert, Madi and Me were going out to eat and people kept trying to give me cupcakes. A few times I almost gave in and ate one but then Robert would take it away and give it to Madi. I would get upset but then I realized "oh yea, I had surgery! I can't have that!"

LOL

Yes, evil cupcakes. Not much else to report. Doing my best to deal with stress and emotions in more healthy ways. I downloaded an app on my phone (android) called My Tracks. It uses google maps to track my walking, including distance, speed, and elevation. Madi helped me find my workout sneakers, so I am excited to go for a walk today and track my progress. Afterwards I think I will spend some time either working on my first draft of my book I am writing, or work on my drawing. Thinking positive, positive, positive.

Downer Day

Blah.


That's how I feel today. Slightly moody. Maybe like everyone says its just hormones being released from the fat they were previously trapped in. Also I am back in the office today and while I am happy to see most people here I just feel annoyed by others. No negative surgery comments however which is nice.

I wish I could go back home though. I guess since I can't eat away these feelings any longer I am going to try and take a relaxing walk tonight once the sun goes down so it isn't too hot out. The heat really makes my incisions itchy and irritated.

I have other stuff on my mind too, like a horrible stupid dream I had the other night that just kind of messed with me a little too much and hit close to home. Also I didn't mention (because I was in a good mood and didn't want to talk about it) but on saturday I got into a minor car accident. Thank Goodness I didnt get ticketed...the cop must have been in a good mood. And the people are willing to work with me instead of going through insurance (my car got wayyyyy more damage anyways -_- ). But nonetheless still sucks. I guess I am off my island of solitude and the real world is hitting full force and I just don't want to deal with it right now.

Anyways..things will work out...they always do. At the very least I keep telling myself that and things really do seem to have a way of working out if I put in a little effort. I got my credit check back and everything looks good for me to start the second job...so there is that...

but now comes the next hurdle. Getting Robert's car fixed and making sure there is a way for me to keep lainey from barking while I am working. My uncle gave me some ideas to sound proof my home office for less and I will probably invest in a better noise canceling headset. But it all takes money.

That's all for now. Just breathing, making myself drink my protein and water, and reminding myself that what I am going through is probably a normal part of this process. I did my make up today and painted my nails last night, so trying to tell myself today that I look very pretty. People at work have been saying they can already see a big difference. For me looking in the mirror I may as well be in a fun house because some days I see it and some days I really don't.