Thursday, March 10, 2011

WLS Poetry & Journaling

So I am an avid journal keeper. I don't always update them regularly but its nice to be able to look back at old feelings and old thoughts and compare them to your current place. More often then not I am pleased that I have progressed in some way. My journal from 17 certainly was more angsty than my journal entries now. My journal entries prior to my wedding were full of dreams and rainbows and all that beautiful shit! Are they still now? Not really...they are a balance of real down to earth stuff going on and lofty goals and dreams.

I have had several online blogs, livejournals, etc you name it. I have since only continued on certain ones. One I have had on a private network that is not very well known for over 6 years now and that one is my catch all personal one. I write about whatever the heck I want. Another is geared towards my novel-writing endeavors. Will I be published one day? Maybe...
Then there is this one... about my journey into weight loss surgery and everything related to it.

I also started keeping an actual notebook. I got two on clearance at Borders (I love their selection of journals and am sad they are going out of business!). One I am going to use to track measurements and weight and other random record type well as my general experience in Mexico. I decided to use the other one to write poems related to my weight loss journey and all the other crap that comes along with it (mental, social, emotional issues etc).

I love writing poems as well... and now and then seem to find some really deep albiet usually dark words. I shared this one on the OH forum and it got a really awesome response from some people so I thought I would go ahead and share it here. I wrote it when I was thinking about how important it is to learn to truly love yourself...regardless of where you are on the journey to weight loss. If you don't you may always be unhappy with yourself, even when you reach goal. Or whats worse you think getting to goal is going to fix everything, but then you reach goal...and you have extra skin... you are in no shape to slap on a bikini or pose for playboy. Are you any happier then? You might have been if you chose to start loving yourself. I think I have come to peace with the reality that I will have some bit of loose skin. It scares me a little but I will be smaller and healthier and able to move around more without hurting or being out of breath. I know I am a beautiful girl...I just don't always feel it and I find it hard to believe at times. So I wrote about those feelings.


I look in the mirror, what do I see?
That bloated sack of skin cannot be me!
Her curves are all wrong, her flab is grotesque.
She's disgusting, a pig, doomed to be an outcast.

I'm over, I'm done, I'll be rid of her soon.
They'll cut and staple me, and then I'll be sewn.
In a year's time, as she melts away
I'll be free, I'll be happy, no more disarray.
Sexy and fit, and admired by all,
That fat chick will be gone, nobobdy will recall.

It's been a couple years now, so imagine my surprise,
when I look in the mirror and see those familiar eyes.
So full of hatred for the girl that she sees,
That fat chick in the mirror, she couldn't be me?!
Though I'd lost lots of weight, and shrunk myself in half,
that fat girl stared back with a smirk and a laugh.

As my ribs jut out and my spine pokes through,
there she still stands, obscuring my view.
She points and she laughs at my every imperfection.
She scolds me for not loving my original reflection.
Her grin only grows as I cry and I plead,
You should have loved me, now you'll never be freed,
when you look in the mirror, I'm all that you'll see!

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