F*ckin Perfect

I am not usually one to hop on any bandwagons and actually hated the other Pink song I have heard recently, but I finally heard this song today on the way to work and it totally hit me. Then I watched the vid and totally got misty-eyed. I think it's a great fucking song and reminds me why I used to like Pink's songs so much.

As I am heading towards this surgery in about 2 months it makes me think about how much self-loathing I have for myself and how it has only gotten worse over the years. I found a therapist that is right near my house that I want to start seeing as I make this drastic change in my life. As I continue to cope with the changes I have already made. She deals with body image disorders as well as eating disorders and sexuality issues too (believe it or not even after really realizing I am truly bisexual...I have had to fight the guilt and denial I have been feeling from my years of growing up and being told that behavior is not right).

I have tried to kill myself more than once...though only 1 time I landed my ass in the hospital...the others were definitely more screams for help than actual attempts that might have worked. I joke that I am too chicken to do it..but it isn't a joke...not at all and I don't want to feel the way I did when I tried again.

I still cut myself when I get really upset, frustrated or stressed, but I have gotten better at fighting that urge and attempting to talk about how I am feeling instead.Though sometimes instead of cutting I just binge eat instead..which is equally unhealthy. I've had 2 friends that had serious problems with anorexia...I used to envy them and wish I had that problem..not binging...

Obviously this surgery will help me by NOT allowing me to be able to eat nearly as much as I can now if I go into binge mode, but I want to get help because if I try...I can make myself ill..or worse, injure my new smaller stomach...and I don't want that.

This is going to be a daily fight...but I gotta remind myself that no matter what... I am fuckin perfect.

I like this particular part...when I heard it it was like...jesus..that is me...

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

Pre-Op and Post-Op Lists

I started creating two lists for surgery:
Pre-Op (stuff to pack for Mexico) and Post-Op (stuff to have waiting for me when I get home).

From surfing the ObesityHelp.com and VerticalSleeveTalk.com forums, as well as referencing what beliteweight sent me, here is the lists I have made so far. I am sure I will come back and revise this if I add to it. Also...I will make a list of posts like this for others to reference!

Pre-Op List for Mexico

• Using rolling luggage carry-on, on the way home Madi will probably be carrying my laptop bag for me.
  

• workout/yoga pants (more than likely only bringing a couple pairs since I wont even be in them for part of the time in the hospital)
• Wireless Bra (saw these at Kohl's...will probably just buy one)
• Sports bra and/or a couple tanks with built in bra area (what can I say I like things secure, especially if I can't wear underwire)
• Clean underoos (of course lol)
• Travel size toiletries
• Laptop and laptop bag
• travel case of my fave DVD's
• small firm pillow (for holding against my tummy when standing etc)
• heating pad
• mixing drink bottle
• Gas-x strips
• Girly pads (not even trying tampons after surgery...no bending!)
• flip flops and/or slip on sneaks
• chapstick
• Video Camera (plan to document my experience, It also can take pics)
• zip up hoodie (yes I know May in Mexico and I am bringing a hoodie... )
• My Kindle
• My Nintendo DSi :)
• Mp3 Player
• Syntrex Nectar to-go packets to mix with my water.
• Surgery Socks that I knitted! (To wear to keep my toes from getting cold and to walk around the hospital)
  

Post-Op stuff for when I get home

• Vitamin Pack (getting 90 day supply from BRC
• Isopure drink and/or Syntrex Nectar (Leaning towards Unjury for protein drinks after first week of clear liquids, may get the chicken broth protien for first week though)
• instant broth cubes
  
• SF Jello cups
• Prilosec
• Liquid Tylenol
• measuring cups/spoons
• food scale (won't really need til I get to food again)
• baby dishes, forks, and spoons

Added to this I am planning on cleaning the house top to bottom before I go so it is nice and clean when I return (hopefully lol). I will get back Saturday evening on May 14th and have a whole full week from then to recover at home!

Nightmares and Nerves

I seem to go through phases of not nervous and rearing to go, to other phases of scared shitless and not sure I can do this. Still no luck finding a second job, though I have been applying at a lot of places and checking back with them as well. Madi has also had no luck (though I made her a resume so maybe that will help her a little bit). Its stressful because I am worried about having enough money for...well everything. Im pretty sure we will be okay to getting back up to 3K in savings before May, but worried about having money to get things I will need before I get back from surgery, as well as paying back the financed portion of my surgery.

I am sure we will find a way to manage though and am going to try to keep a positive attitude about it. I have applied at so many places and tried my best to follow up with them...though some don't let you get in contact with them so I just have to hope to hear something. I am also a worried about our trip to Seattle as I am hoping we have some spending money (or at least food money) when we go there. Thinking about packing protein packets when I go so that can cover my breakfast (maybe lunch) and I only need to worry about paying for dinner. We'll see I guess. Hopefully something happens soon on the job front. Other things are progressing.

Possibly ordering some sample packs from Unjury and Syntrax soon.

Stress---my mortal enemy

I know this economy is tough right now, but I would think I could find SOMETHING part time. Petco didn't pan out...oh well. I think I am going to apply at a few other places near me. I feel like it is starting to get closer and closer though and with vacation in april I am not going to have much time to work a second job. It is kind of stressful.

Madi hasn't even been able to land an interview with anyone but I am going to help her build a resume so that just maybe we can find her something. She moves in in a couple weeks regardless and I am not too worried about that. Hopefully she at least can find a job before then since she already said she is going to be helping us however possible (Yeah she is awesome and I love her lol).

Considering... I am doing good about not eating everything in sight lol, something normally would do when stressed. I feel like regardless of it all I am in a good mindset right now...hope it lasts.

I am hoping to toss some money into savings from our paychecks this week. Hopefully we can because that will make me feel a little better.

Okay, I am done rambling for the day.

Imperfect...

So yesterday didn't go completely as planned meal wise. When I got home a bathtub was filled with a trail of rose petals leading to it and a bottle of wine was set out. Completely sweet and romantic and needless to say the bottle of wine is now empty lol.

Not to mention we ate at denny's last night. However, I chose a meal that wasn't completely horrible. Rather than getting pancakes etc I got their chipotle bacon chicken skilled with a side salad and fries (luckily they didn't give me that much fries). It filled me up and was pretty good.

I am bad and of course hopped onto the scale this morning. Down a couple pounds but I am not officially reporting anything til Sunday. But regardless, I am off to a good start and that makes me happy :) Might try to get back into working out tonight as well.

Seattle, SlimFast, and Other Random Ramblings

Soo... I go to Seattle on vacay in less than 2 months now! Weee! Super excited! My best friend, and my husband are going with, and we are visiting my brother-in-law and his boyfriend!

While part of me feels like the days are crawling by til surgery, I realized last week that while yes it is a good time to research, save up money, figuring out my post-op food and supplements etc, it is also a great time to start losing on my own.

Money is kind of tight right now, so while it isn't the BEST option, I am doing 2 slimfasts, with small snacks (string cheese or sugar free pudding) and a sensible portion for dinner of what the hubs is making. Also, going to get back to using my EA Active 2 again. It really is a great way to exercise! I am fond of doing step aerobics with hand weights. I mute the tv, wear a pair of knee high socks (or my leg warmers lol) then put on my workout sneakers and rock off 300 calories or so. It keeps track of heart rate so gives me a good estimate on the calories burned.

If i can get off 10 or even 20 (I'm optimistic hehe) before seattle and before my surgery that would be awesome.
While we are in Seattle I plan on enjoying myself...but not going crazy. I know there are restuarants that my brother n law wants to take me to and foods I have never tried, so I am going to try them. Once I am home I have roughly one more month til my surgery (2 of those weeks will be my pre op diet anyways).

I think that If I could manage to lose 20-30 lbs before surgery on my own that would put me at a great starting point for surgery. Short term I can deal with fighting hunger when I know I don't need to eat but my body is acting like I do. (My body is talented in that if I tell myself I might be hungry, a few minutes later my stomach is growling...seriously...)

Hopefully surgery DOES help with that as it has helped others with the lil stomach gremlin (ghrelin hehe). At the very least the restriction certainly will.

Thats all for today! Happy V day!

This is a jetsetter music letter....

Booked the flights this morning... each step further makes this surgery even more real. We leave around 7 am, get into San Diego around 1pm, then head down into Mexico. Cost for 2 roundtrip tickets came to about 581. Not horrible anyways...

Definitely not looking forward to the long flight back to Florida. I did pick a flight with a little longer of a layover just so I don't have to try and run across the airport to get to it.

I think the prior worries earlier in the week have dissipated somewhat. I know that the skin thing isn't worth worrying over because if I follow what I need to do and work on toning and working out there is still a chance it will be there...worrying won't make that any more less likely to happen. I will hope for the best. Thanks to other peeps on the forum I read about investing in good shapewear and the like to help with it and have found peace with accepting whatever transformation my body makes.

Weight Loss Surgery Woes

I am not sure if its the whole PMS thing rearing its ugly head once again but I feel scared about surgery the past few days. I think positive and tell myself that the surgery itself will go fine but I still get scared about complications...

When someone posts on the forum about a complication they had it terrifies me though...because it can happen. But I am going to be brave, use positive imagery, whatever have to. I have done my research...my doctor can do this and if I do have a complication he is capable of fixing it.

My other big fear is the after effects of surgery, aside from the positive one of being able to get down to my goal weight. Extra skin... loss of elasticity. What if I get down to goal only to have a bunch of extra skin hanging off of me? Sure I will be healthier but...I want to look nice.

I know that the main area of concern is my tummy and boobs... I am not too worried about my arms, and legs or even my butt. Maybe I have youth on my side. I am just turned 26 in November... I dont know. :(

I need to accept that this could be an issue, because I do not want to back down from my decision to have weight loss surgery. I have been doing some research, some reading and while it may suck when I see myself naked, at the very least I can work my ass off to build up muscle and tone up whatever I can for 2 years after reaching goal... and then if it IS bad... I will save up and I will have plastic surgery. I am only allowing myself that for my boobs and tummy if it really is an issue... If I still have a small pooch I think I can live with that though. In fact, regardless I need to accept and love myself... with or without imperfections or ones that could occur.

Maybe that is even more scary than what could happen after surgery. Truly accepting yourself and loving yourself is to me, probably an even harder task than choosing to do this surgery.

Jenn

Head Hunger Victory

Most of us women can tell when "that time" is coming. For me its glaringly obvious...and usually not only to myself but my husband...and probably everyone else. When PMS hits, it takes no prisoners. Sometimes I am just extra irritable, other times I am a sob factory.

Yesterday I was the latter. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, and sad. Granted it may be completely valid to feel those feelings now, but they came out in a bucket of tears yesterday. I am still hunting for a second job and a bit frustrated by that fact, and crossing my fingers that something happens soon, Part of me feels a little overwhelmed with working 2 jobs. I know plenty of people do that, but considering I am not in the best of shape, a very physical second job is going to suck. I am still hoping to hear back from one work at home job anyways.

I am scared that I am not going to be able to do this...to get the weight off...or that I am going to cause such a financial strain by having the surgery in the first place. My husband has told me otherwise and has been nothing but supportive with me getting surgery. But all the worries that sit in the back of my head came through the flood gate yesterday along with other things that had been weighing on my mind.

However one good thing came out of all of this yesterday. I didn't reach for food to comfort me. Sure I had food, but not when I was crying...not because I was upset. For me this felt like an awesome victory! I suppose it helps that the whole weekend I have had supportive people that I love surrounding me, people that want nothing but for me to succeed. But this victory was ALL ME!

I found a great vlog on youtube from a girl that had previously gotten surgery in Tijuana (different doctor) and she said something that totally clicked and MADE sense to me.

Eating is your security blanket when you are a binge eater...when you get this surgery you are taking away your security blanket.

She was talking about how people pick up crossover addictions when they don't deal with their emotional binge eating issues, and also about how you can gain the weight back after surgery if you DON'T make permanent changes to your relationship with food.

So even before I step foot on my flight to San Diego, or before I cross the border into Mexico... the brain surgery is starting now! I'm going to continue to change my relationship with food for the better and celebrate each and every victory over my addiction to it. It will no longer be my crutch!

That's all for now. FYI the WLS support group meet up is tonight. I am still going to try and make it... I will report back tomorrow on how it went!

Jenn

The Waiting Game

Sent in my Passport stuff today... so now to wait a good month for the passport card to come in the mail. We still need to get Madi's stuff for hers which we will do this week when we can order a copy of her birth certificate.


It's been about 1 week now since I have had a cigarette...for the most part I am good. Only had to fight the urge a couple times. I have started cutting down on my soda intake but am still a little freaked about not being able to drink carbonated beverages for a long time after surgery. I am sure I will be fine with it though.



Nearly down to the 90 day point. Excited, nervous, scared...



There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis about this surgery... for example the whole extra skin issue. I pray that my skin "bounces" back and the fact that I am still in my 20's, albiet my late 20's, will play in my favor. I saw some scary pictures...though I am sure they were MUCH older. It scared me so bad I thought for a second about NOT doing the surgery...but I am going to think positive.



That's all for now.



Jenn

Misinformed

It may not seem that I am a private person as I am broadcasting the fact that I am getting weight loss surgery on a blog for all to see, but when it comes to family and friends I have been more quiet about the surgery.

Aside from the judgement I get from some of them, (which I can care less about, I just rather not hear it!), the fact that many of them do not understand the procedure I am undergoing only adds to this frustration.

For example, I had told my aunt that I was going for the Gastric Sleeve and she starts rambling off about malabsorption. Yes, some issues with nutrition could arise after surgery but the gastric sleeve is a restrictive weight loss surgery, NOT a malabsorptive one like the RNY Bypass.

One of my best friends (Who is actually supportive) told me that her step dad had weight loss surgery and he is having all kinds of complications, so she hopes I don't get them. Guess what surgery he got? A lap band... While some people find success with the lapband, unfortunately much more have complications and end up having to get them removed. Some of the complications caused by a lapband that I have read about are actually quite horrible, and they were coming from people that ACTUALLY went through those horrible ordeals.

Not to knock either of those 2 procedures, but there is a reason I chose not to go with them. I don't like the long term issues with malabsorption with the bypass and I don't want something foreign in my body like a lapband. I want something permanent and proven. And thus far the sleeve procedure really seems to stand its ground in the weight loss surgery arena.

It would be nice if rather than judging and being negative about the outcome of the surgery, that people would ask what exactly my procedure will entail.


That's my rant for the day. Hanging around the forums got me to thinking about this as misinformation seems to come up quite a bit.

So for now I will settle with some of my friends and family just thinking I finally got the whole diet and exercise thing down...not that my stomach has been reduced to a fraction of it's former self.

Food Stuffs

Like the new background and header?

Anways I think I am set on my pre and post-op proteins. Based on feedback from others as well as my own research regarding costs, nutrition, etc etc... here is my plans.

My goal pre-op is to keep myself in ketosis and follow the "liver shrinking" diet to ensure I give myself the best possible chance at a quick and safe surgery and recovery. Post op my goal is proteins, hydration and getting in supplements. My protein goal is 60 grams per day. Water goal 64 oz a day.

Pre-op diet, I am strictly doing Medifast and watching my carb intake (keeping it under 50 grams per day). I have done medifast before, have plenty left over so will be doing at least 10 days if not 14. I will be having my medifast shakes, grilled chicken breasts, and brocoli.



For clear liquids I think I have decided on Nature's Best Zero Carb liquid Isopure protein drinks. there is 40 gm of protien per bottle so I would be drinking 1.5 bottles a day (or at least just one since 40 grams would be okay too).

I will also be doing broth, sugar-free jello, and sugar free popsicles for the clear liquid stage as well.






For when I can do full liquids I think I am going to do skim milk and Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60 from GNC

(60 gm protien for 3 scoops, 17 servings of 3 scoops)

I have heard good things about the chocolate flavor and the cookies and cream flavor.

Right now they have buy one, get one 50% off, I am debating getting them this week and testing them out, then saving the rest for after surgery .


For my supplements I am going to probably get the Gastric Sleeve Supplement kit-90 days supply

Gastric Sleeve patient startup kit was created based on the suggestions for Gastric Sleeve Patients and contains the following products:

• 1 - Bariatric Advantage Calcium Citrate Lozenges (400mg) - (270ct)
• 1 - Bariatric Advantage Chewable Iron (29mg) - Passion Fruit (90 Count)
• 1 - Bariatric Advantage Multi-Formula Chewable (w/ B-Complex) - (180 Count)
• 1 - Bariatric Advantage Sublingual B-12 (90 Count)

I think that for about $ 118 that is not really bad at all for 3 months worth and is pretty well rounded to keep me in good health. I plan on getting more labs around the 3-6 month mark after surgery to ensure that my levels are all where they need to be.

Not much else going on... I feel like the days are crawling by... at least it is February now.

We are at approximately 3 months and 1 week away from surgery.

Waiting on the tax refund to show in the bank account then booking our flights.

Madi tried to go for her passport but now she needs to order a new copy of her birth certificate so I will be helping her with that this week. I should be good to send in my application for a new one with my married name on it.

See ya later!

Jenn

Post-It's

I have to admit that if there is one thing I love to splurge on it is office supplies. Specifically I enjoy me som bright colored Post-Its! I have been doing what I said and tracking down both work and personal stuff in my new handy dandy day planner. Though since it is not a page a day version I don't have that much room to write out my feelings etc. I had tried just putting smileys but that doesn't give me a clear picture of what was going on with me that day.

So seeing as I have an over abundance of Post-It's at my desk anyways, I grabbed some from there and stuck it in the pocket of my planner. Yesterday I was upset. Someone I thought of as a friend sort of seemed to show herself as not much of a friend. I told her about a situation in confidence and she got upset about it. Really that is the most I can say about it and I don't feel that it needs any more thought and energy. So while I was still fuming, I grabbed a post it and scribbled out my feelings about the situation, stuck it to yesterday's date in my planner and drew a little sad/angry smiley. Amazingly, my anger seemed to dissipate and I was able to move on with the rest of my day and leave that crap on the post it.

I wrote out a post it today, that basically said, still a little upset about how things turned out but not dealing with it right now. Feeling a little nauseated and sick and probably going home early, but over all I am pretty happy and excited about my job interview Friday, as well as having a supportive husband and best friend. Then I drew a nice big smiley. Because it is important to acknowledge what makes you feel better, what makes you truly happy. I am going to continue to do this Post-It system for the rest of the week and see if it really does help keep my emotions (and therefore binging) in check. So far I am liking it.

Plus it makes my planner even more colorful..don't you think? :D

Binge eating and emotional hunger probably won't go away after surgery...but if I can find something that works for me and helps keep those urges in check then I am already off to a good start.

Money Money Moneeeyyy

I got a hold of one of the hiring managers at one of the several places I applied at and scored an interview for Friday! It may not pay a lot BUT it still will be extra money in :)

I am happy!