Yesterday I was the latter. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, and sad. Granted it may be completely valid to feel those feelings now, but they came out in a bucket of tears yesterday. I am still hunting for a second job and a bit frustrated by that fact, and crossing my fingers that something happens soon, Part of me feels a little overwhelmed with working 2 jobs. I know plenty of people do that, but considering I am not in the best of shape, a very physical second job is going to suck. I am still hoping to hear back from one work at home job anyways.
I am scared that I am not going to be able to do this...to get the weight off...or that I am going to cause such a financial strain by having the surgery in the first place. My husband has told me otherwise and has been nothing but supportive with me getting surgery. But all the worries that sit in the back of my head came through the flood gate yesterday along with other things that had been weighing on my mind.
However one good thing came out of all of this yesterday. I didn't reach for food to comfort me. Sure I had food, but not when I was crying...not because I was upset. For me this felt like an awesome victory! I suppose it helps that the whole weekend I have had supportive people that I love surrounding me, people that want nothing but for me to succeed. But this victory was ALL ME!
I found a great vlog on youtube from a girl that had previously gotten surgery in Tijuana (different doctor) and she said something that totally clicked and MADE sense to me.
Eating is your security blanket when you are a binge eater...when you get this surgery you are taking away your security blanket.She was talking about how people pick up crossover addictions when they don't deal with their emotional binge eating issues, and also about how you can gain the weight back after surgery if you DON'T make permanent changes to your relationship with food.
So even before I step foot on my flight to San Diego, or before I cross the border into Mexico... the brain surgery is starting now! I'm going to continue to change my relationship with food for the better and celebrate each and every victory over my addiction to it. It will no longer be my crutch!
That's all for now. FYI the WLS support group meet up is tonight. I am still going to try and make it... I will report back tomorrow on how it went!