Monday, February 28, 2011

F*ckin Perfect

I am not usually one to hop on any bandwagons and actually hated the other Pink song I have heard recently, but I finally heard this song today on the way to work and it totally hit me. Then I watched the vid and totally got misty-eyed. I think it's a great fucking song and reminds me why I used to like Pink's songs so much.

As I am heading towards this surgery in about 2 months it makes me think about how much self-loathing I have for myself and how it has only gotten worse over the years. I found a therapist that is right near my house that I want to start seeing as I make this drastic change in my life. As I continue to cope with the changes I have already made. She deals with body image disorders as well as eating disorders and sexuality issues too (believe it or not even after really realizing I am truly bisexual...I have had to fight the guilt and denial I have been feeling from my years of growing up and being told that behavior is not right).

I have tried to kill myself more than once...though only 1 time I landed my ass in the hospital...the others were definitely more screams for help than actual attempts that might have worked. I joke that I am too chicken to do it..but it isn't a joke...not at all and I don't want to feel the way I did when I tried again.

I still cut myself when I get really upset, frustrated or stressed, but I have gotten better at fighting that urge and attempting to talk about how I am feeling instead.Though sometimes instead of cutting I just binge eat instead..which is equally unhealthy. I've had 2 friends that had serious problems with anorexia...I used to envy them and wish I had that problem..not binging...

Obviously this surgery will help me by NOT allowing me to be able to eat nearly as much as I can now if I go into binge mode, but I want to get help because if I try...I can make myself ill..or worse, injure my new smaller stomach...and I don't want that.

This is going to be a daily fight...but I gotta remind myself that no matter what... I am fuckin perfect.

I like this particular part...when I heard it it was like...jesus..that is me...

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

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